He's on Match.com

[Dom R]

I need not ask this question; especially since I know the answer and do not want to hear it yet.

The important thing, to my mind, is to not just ask the question as is. it is important to first lay out exactly what he is choosing.

hence, the next part:

And what if he says "yeah-that is a big deal to me", then what? Ask him to not go out on dates with anyone else for a few months? Thank him for his honesty and let him know I have a membership somewhere?

Then, I would suggest telling him that you wish he had said something to you directly about it, so all this mess could have been avoided... that you believe that a wife DOES have some amount of responsibility to take care of her looks in a way that makes her husband happy (just as a husband has the same responsability towards his wife), and that you are ready to commit to doing excercise regularly, with that in mind.

You may or may not choose to tie it into him stopping smoking.
However, that's a lot of pressure.
The main thing that I think you would want him to agree to.. in exchange for giving him pretty much exactly what he is looking for... is for him to give you what YOU are looking for:
him, back home, and not dating, or even "looking".

You'll have to deal with his understandable doubts about you sticking to it. You might get him to agree to do it for another 2 months. The thing is, that if you are seriously putting in this effort for HIM, then you would want to feel secure that he has stopped pursuing other women. hence, you want him at home.

My gut is saying that you dont want to make this another limbo-time self-torture fest. seems like the longer things go in limbo, the worse it gets for you.
I think this is probably where you need to say "enough is enough; come home now; if this is what you want, you are going to get it, so lets quit messing around any longer"




I dont see this as "pursuing". I see this as "negotiating reconciliation". Which in your situation, is not off-limits, because you two have explicitly agreed to discuss this, "at the end of 3 months".

yeah, it's going to be a tough, awkward talk. But sounds like it's about time for it, to me.
(AFTER some positive time between you two though, hopefully. not at the beginning of a weekend or something.)

What if he says "no, that's not it"?

Well then.. in that case, you're no worse off than you are now.
(and it will probably be time to go dark on him for a few months, and deal with the fact that if you do, he's going to go off dating women again)
If you do go that route... you might stop with giving him the impression that you will always take him back, though.


disclaimer:I'm a bit grumpy right now. hence the odd timing of this. so my advice may be a bit more hostile than usual, on the "go dark, be pushy" side.