It is beyond frustrating. I think that as the years went on with me at least, I subconciously let her do more and more, because of the constant beatdowns. I admit, that although I was a good provider, and took care of the "outside of the house", I did not originally put as much effort into it as I did after marriage counseling 1n 2003. She DID make most of the family decisios, and I think she got tired of it. Got it.
But when you lead, and are always given a 15 point critique list, you say "UNCLE". You will get the advice: "Ask her if she wants to be in charge or does she want you to be in charge, If you want me to make decisions, let me"
Guess what: IT WILL HAVE NO IMPACT EXCEPT IT WILL MAKE HER MORE ANGRY, right?
Here's a case in point:
Last Christmas Eve, we had the same friends at our home that we've had for the past 20 years. Their kids and ours are great friends. My wife, as usual, put on a great meal. I always have done the cleaning up of the dishes. During meal preparation, I would clean and put away as she cooked.
Halfway through the meal prep, the 4 adults were in the kitchen, along with my D15. W SCREAMS in an angry manner: "Where's the micrograter?". D15 and I look at each other. We've never heard of a micrgrater. She screams it again... "WHERE's THE MICROGRATER!!! THIS IS MY KITCHEN, AND IT'S NOT WHERE I WANT IT" This time the other adults look at me nervously laughing, looking at their feet, avoiding eye contact....they know her. Her friend told me: "She always leads her life at a 12 on a 10 point emotional scale". hER FRIEND TOLD ME i WAS AN ABUSED SPOUSE WHO REFUSED TO LEAVE!
After D15 asks: "What's a micrograter?"
W. finally composes herself enought to explain that it is a small cheese grater. I said: "Here it is...in this side cabinet" where I had washed it and put it away. She was furious. Scowl on her face, angry motions for the next 20 minutes. Never an explanation or an embarrassed moment. D15 looks at me with a WTF? look.
Sound familiar, Dom? I bet you have 20 of these stories yourself. It was MY fault because: 1. I was breathing 2. I had no idea WTF a micrograter was; and of course 3. I had the audacity to wash it and put it in the wrong place.
I can amuse you with more of these, and may in the coming days, but you KNOW of what I speak.
Bottom line: You're never going to make her happy. Period. Until and if she ever figures out her own insecurities about being angry and never saying she's sorry, and what got her here. It most likely will not change. I'm sorry, but I leive it like you do. Never being vulnerable is such a turnoff, as is totally being emotional all the time. It's exhausting!!
