our un-relationship

[azhira]

Some people might take a comment like that, as something funny. almost endearing. But apparently, you do not.

I actually used to. sigh It's not like this is a new trait of his. I married him knowing that about him. What's changed is my reaction to it. (Which suggests I need to figure out how to change back.)

Your problem behaviour: you're rejecting communication from him.

I hadn't thought of it that way. Good point.

"You hurt my feelings when you say stuff like that: you make me feel like i'm stupid, for not knowing how to buy adult shoes".

I've tried that. Doesn't work. Usually I just ignore his comment. Been trying to let go of that kind of stuff. As I said before...he's always been like this. My being upset by it is the new piece.

BTW: there is a hidden danger, in the last one, that I betcha most people wont even realize:
If you repeatedly throw "you hurt my feelings when you say that" kind of things at him, and he really is verbally clueless... he is eventually going to feel like everything he says hurts you,and the best thing to do is just never open his mouth!

Wow, light bulb! lol He has said as much before.

It's not that I don't want his opinion. I value it more than anyone's. (Yes, even now. He knows me better than anyone else.) I'm just not sure how to get him to share it in a better way. Of course, I am working on my own end.

but HOW he commented on your clothes.

Yes, exactly.

[quote](kinda like that conditioner incident? )[\quote]

Oh, yeah, no, he really was in jerk/idiot mode at that point. He knew it at the time, too. He had moved ahead of me to AZ, and been by himself for two months when I moved here. He wasn't used to living with me. xh has issues with feeling, um, invaded is the word he uses. When he does, his defense is to turn into a jerk. We had both discussed my moving out to give him some breathing space--not a separation, just separate living arrangements. I didn't, because he was suddenly out of a job. (Long story.) He eventually unwound.

xh has a history of childhood abuse--PTSD and anger issues go along with that. There were times I thought I was doing the misremembering thing about his anger, until I would see a flash of it again. In defense of xh, while he has been distant and grumpy during this last separation and our divorce, he never flipped the @$$hole switch like he did a few years ago. (And believe me, it was vile.) A lot of his anger dissolved last year, after he began actually facing his issues. He even told me he was surprised by how angry he used to be all the time.

Just some more background. He's not a bad guy...just a lot of trauma, and lots of times I have been the unintentional target.