NikkiB #21

[forever21]

Hi Nikki,

Okay. My thoughts. I'm guessing you are starting to lose that detachment you started feeling when you took that retreat. I think you are going to have to spend a lot more time away from the house while you stay there, so that you can gain back what you were feeling and build on it. You really need to build on it. I get the feeling you have a little more fight in you. You might be able to do it, but it will take hard work and extra effort on your part. It's great to see that you managed to stay as strong as you have... but... you can't afford to go backwards again. Two steps forward and one back, that's to be expected. Focus on taking your next two steps forward now.

Have you seen the movie The Breakup? Neither of them will move out of their condo. It's always coming to mind when I think of you and your sitch. Maybe you could take up some of those offers you've had from friends and co-workers to crash a night here and there. If you were to plan it with them, it would be easier on you and them both, and maybe it would be enough to help keep your confidence and PMA up. I bet it would also drive your H crazy in a way that he could use more of... a lot more of. He wouldn't need to know you had plans to do that. You might stop in to your house after work, then go out, and just not happen to make it home that night.

He doesn't need to know what you're doing until he makes a serious commitment to your M again. It sounds like you're doing a much better job at not sharing details of your life with him. Keep that up!!!

I wouldn't ask him to do anything with you. No, no, no. Let him invite you again, and then have your backup plan ready if he screws it up like he did last night.... so you can BACK OUT. Those are the kind of mini reality checks he needs... at least those! IMHO anyway. He was wanting to bring you closer to him. He will do that again. Next time is your opportunity to practice some boundaries if/when needed.

"Not bad so far... then for some dumb reason I said "But at least they're up front about it. The rest of your company seems to be screwing each other too but they're lying, hiding it, and cheating on their spouses.""
I say GOOD FOR YOU, NIKKI!!!! Yay! No need to feel bad for that. It's okay. I get it, it doesn't feel good to say things that aren't nice. But cut yourself some slack. Earlier in the week I don't think you'd have been so hard on yourself about it. Focus on you, Nikki. Love yourself.

"ANOTHER time I should have caught on and made the choice to stay home, but no, I still went. On a positive note he left his cell phone at home. I noticed it and thanked him for it later [sincerely, and he took it well.]"
Hey, good. That is a small positive. Now, I think your first point here.... about choosing to stay home the next time you're in a position like this.... is where I would put my focus. Like I said, you come across as still having some fight left in ya. Are you wanting to be detached and setting healthy boundaries? What does that look like? Maybe.... When you feel icky, or ticked off, disrespected, etc, you gracefully back out and leave the door open by saying "maybe next time"?

"I guess what it comes down to is, can I really "separate" from him and live in the same house and have that work for any length of time?" If you are determined to, yes. If not, no. Either way you go you will have to focus on you. It is hard living under the same roof, but it can be done. If you slide any further then I'd say it is a good idea to move out. I think you can do this though. Easy for me to say, I know. lol. You would need to start living as if you are "separate". What does *that* look like?

Hope you're having a blast at the concert with your Mom! Make it a fantabulous weekend!!

Hugs! Love, f21