More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Looks like this is going to be one of those all day conversations. She started out this evening's discussion by saying "I'd like to stay here but I don't know if we could do that without anger and recriminations and just move forward."

I said there is no anger and there haven't been any recriminations. I said it sounds like this close (with fingers about 2" apart) to marriage...

She continued with "you are in a different place than I am. I have things that I want to do with my life and can't do them here." Then she admitted that neither the marriage nor I have ever stopped her from doing what she wants.

She said that there are things she can do with or without the marriage (school, get a job, etc.) but that there are things that she can't do while married to me. Surprisingly she could not come up with any examples.

This is where I see proof of the confusion. She feels something is missing, and it very well may be. She stated that she did NOT feel this way before the EA but she feels it now.

Then a change of heart. Maybe because of my responses, which in all honesty were not arguments at all, merely asking for clarification on a few things (such as what exactly is missing). She feels it would be best to move to her mother's afterall, at least for a short while to try to find out what she feels is missing. My take is that before the EA, things were fine. She just lost a new and exciting relationship and that hole she is feeling is being blamed on us! Sure, the honeymoon's over, but it's just not fair comparing a 20 year relationship to something 'fresh'.

She believes that if she stays here, we will just fall back into the same routine. We'll decide that things are better this way and have a fake reconcilation - in other words, continue as husband and wife without addressing any issues and really working on us.

I tried telling her that I wouldn't let that happen. We've both invested too much time and emotion into this and for either of us to allow that to occur seems inconceivable.

She admitted that she is "afraid" of staying married because it would mean she'd be giving up her dreams or giving up her search for fulfillment outside the marriage.

Pretty much speechless at that point. Luckily it got late and we had to start running kids around to various appointments. I have no idea what more to say regarding this. It's her choice in the end but how much assurance should I give her? I can see that my attempts at reassurance are having the reverse effect or that she feels I'm trying to convince or entice her.

Time to back off and just let her speak. I'll support her but I won't try to reason with her any longer.

[LL44]

She believes that if she stays here, we will just fall back into the same routine

My H fears this too.

She is so confused, lost, and trying to figure out what she wants.

Time to back off and just let her speak. I'll support her but I won't try to reason with her any longer.

This is all you can do right now. HUGS

[hopeforfuture]

My take is that before the EA, things were fine. She just lost a new and exciting relationship and that hole she is feeling is being blamed on us! Sure, the honeymoon's over, but it's just not fair comparing a 20 year relationship to something 'fresh'.

She believes that if she stays here, we will just fall back into the same routine. We'll decide that things are better this way and have a fake reconcilation - in other words, continue as husband and wife without addressing any issues and really working on us.

I tried telling her that I wouldn't let that happen. We've both invested too much time and emotion into this and for either of us to allow that to occur seems inconceivable.

She admitted that she is "afraid" of staying married because it would mean she'd be giving up her dreams or giving up her search for fulfillment outside the marriage.

WOW!! Sounds just like my W. Sorry I don't have any recommendations for you. I'm looking for answers myself. A month ago my W seemed eager to reconcile and work on the R. Now she says she was just confused at that point and now has no desire to make things work. It goes from positive to neutral to negative in a span of weeks or days. My advice to you and self is to focus on:

Yourself
Your kids

Let your W make the move to her mother's if she needs to. Don't push for either solution. They need to see how F'd up they are making their lives.

Continue being consistent and stable in your actions. I know my W thanked me for that about four weeks ago.

[Yoyowife]

It's amazing how they all say things will go back to the old ways again. My H told me the same thing at the beginning of our ordeal. Well, if they would think about that makes no sense. Look at it this way apparently at one time they liked something about us or they wouldn't have married us. It must have been after we married that we "changed" so why not got back to the old ways? Does this make any sense?

[hopeforfuture]

It's amazing how they all say things will go back to the old ways again. My H told me the same thing at the beginning of our ordeal. Well, if they would think about that makes no sense. Look at it this way apparently at one time they liked something about us or they wouldn't have married us. It must have been after we married that we "changed" so why not got back to the old ways? Does this make any sense?

Makes perfect sense Yoyo, although I don't think I've changed all that much. Still fun, adventurous and caring. I think the biggest issue with our R is that we lost focus on us. Normal life happens right? Kids, work, chores etc. Now someone else comes into the picture and all of those distractions are outside of the scope of the new R. Everything is idealistic and wonderful. Easy to understand how the WAS can look back and think that they really haven't been happy. I think they all need a dose of reality.

[Michael Mc C]

I think the biggest issue with our R is that we lost focus on us. Normal life happens right? Kids, work, chores etc. Now someone else comes into the picture and all of those distractions are outside of the scope of the new R. Everything is idealistic and wonderful.

I have to agree with this. Suddenly all of life's responsibilities have been cleared up. Funny enough when W and OM were discussing HOW they would manage certain things (kids, work, etc.) they couldn't come up with any clear ideas. That didn't stop them of course - they were living in a dream world anyway. Maybe that's why A's tend to fizzle. They realize that things are no better, and maybe even worse, than they were with the spouse.

[Dr LOve]

YOYO,

In the beginning god created..... No that is not it wait
In the beginning at the one (1) counseling session my W and I attended she said “Husband wants it back the way is used to be, it will never be like it used to be"

Then in the last letter W wrote me she said “I wish it was back to the way it was in the beginning it would be so much easier"

Confusion??

Now in reality "Husband does not want it back the way he has "settled for". I WANT SOMETHING DIFERANT.

Husband

[Michael Mc C]

My thoughts exactly husband! If nothing else, we here at DB.com have been able to find where our responsiblities lie in the meeses we're in. We're addressing these and are making our changes for the betterment of ourselves as well as our families. We've put up a damn good fight to make this thing of ours, something we truly believe in, work.

Why, after all the pain and effort and doubt we have gone through would we EVER want things to go back to the way they were? I have grown (still plenty to do) and I have learned (ditto) - it's time for me to reap the rewards of a mature relationship. Hope she wants to come along for the ride.

[Michael Mc C]

Theo! I found Frank_D's sitch. Holy cow, thank you for pointing me in his direction. His postings should be a book. In fact I have spent all day today reading from the beginning and I am not done yet (could be that I'm a slow reader). The parallels are amazing.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I love this board. It's amazing how low I can feel but once I log in here, the inspiration, the encouragement and the advice just fills me with the will to keep working at it.

Thank you everyone for all your comments and help. Have a great weekend!

[Michael Mc C]

Hasn't been a really good night here. Nothing specific but apparently I'm not as detached as I was hoping. Everything starts off fine, we talk like we did 8 WEEKS AGO but she has to throw in the "I've got plans for me now" at the end.

I think I got caught up in the moment. Felt like we were married. Kids were playing, TV was on, music playing on the laptop and we were just BS'ing. Felt JUST like 8 weeks ago! Of course, 8 weeks ago she had someone I had no clue about but still, sometimes ignorance can be blissful (at least back then things felt right).

Need to get some sleep. I know I'll feel much better in the morning.