Oh I don't know what you should do Ginger, but let me tell you, I am in the next row of the galley ship rowing along right next to you though I think I may be closer to the front of the ship.
I don't want to reconcile with h. I want to start my new life. I don't want him completely out of my life but I do want him out of my head!
WHOA.....unexpected turn of events. Got another call from H a few minutes ago. He brought up R for the first time! Not one word has been uttered about *us* since before he left. And *boom* there he goes with no warning. Asking about the kids and whether they notice him gone. I said D does more than S. More do I miss him? I finally decided to be honest. I allowed enough hesitation to get him to say "you're finding you're better off on your own, huh?". I softened my voice and told him not at all. But that my answer was yes and no. I miss the man I married and felt connected to. But I don't miss the angry, withdrawn man I lived with over the past year. Silence on his end. I continued with "But I'm sure it's true for you as well...there are things you miss about me and things you don't." He agreed. We talked about us and we both agree on what we really like about us when we're *on*. And touched on what we dislike. He didn't like the accusations and me trying to get a confession of an affair out of him. I told him that I gave up that behavior before he left, reminded him that I vowed to not live that way (snooping, questions, etc) and will not. And I also reminded him that since he's been gone I've not called him once (to which he asks "don't you want to talk to me?") or tried to pry in his life. Finally, I said that even though there may not be an A, the behavior is as much as a problem as if there were one. He said "We'll talk on Thursday" - his only day off.
FEAR. I'm scared to death of talking on Thursday. Thursday is just a few days away. Thursday is WAY too soon unless a bolt of lightening strikes his butt before then. But it's just a talk, right? I'm not going to get the ball rolling. Maybe he'll forget? He's the conflict avoider, and look at me.
Am I the WAS or the LBS? Forgetting my role...
Me (36) H (42) M (12) S-8 D-5 SS-18 D Day (PA) 12/02 S 10/03 R 1/03 S again 9/07 I choose Joy.
don't be scared of thursday. try not to build it up in your mind. do the bottled water trick...it really does help (stop, take sips, give yourself a minute to think and such).
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Well, Thursday is done. It went well by most accounts. H came over for dinner. Was all over me wanting to ML. I was very proud of myself and held back and playfully reminded him he promised me dinner. We went to our favorite Mexican place and they gave us complimentary tequila shots for dessert like they always do. Well...there went my resolve. We went home and ML. The kids came back from my moms and had to be put to bed. H wanted to stay the night but couldn't because he worked today and all his stuff (clothes) were at the apartment. He talked about us going to Europe next year together. After ml he said "you know I love you..." I said the same thing back to him. He said "so why do we let it get this bad?". This raised my shackles because I TRIED TO GET HIM TO WORK ON JUNK AND COMMUNICATE FOR A YEAR. I said nothing.
I also had put on one of my little red teddies for him at his request. And he says "why do you wait until now to do this?" WTH??? I was the one initiating sex 90% of the time. I am a size 4 and take great care of myself. He was an angry, despondent man who was rarely home for me to even attempt such a thing. I know I wasn't supposed to but I just said "You haven't seemed to be terribly interested in this sort of thing for over a year..." and left it at that.
He says he'll back home soon. I didn't respond to that, either.
I know that most of you would jump up and down for this. But would you really? Would you if your H was cold and emotionally abusive for a year and just decides to come home without ANY R talk or talk of getting some sort of help?
I'm just lost. I am avoiding him tonight if he calls. I just don't know what to feel or do. Suggesting that we get help is more of the same behavior for me. And I'm TIRED of being the fixer. I'm tired of reading all the flipping books and worrying about whether he'll make a half ass effort to save us.
I do want a whole family again. But no one tells you how to get your H to work on things once the db'ing seems to pay off. They just leave you hanging. All the books are the same...kiss their ass and act like life is honkey dorey and they'll come home. GREAT. And then what? More of the same....
And NO...me changing does NOT change him in the long run. BTDT.
What do I do???
Last edited by Gingersnap; 10/27/0701:14 AM.
Me (36) H (42) M (12) S-8 D-5 SS-18 D Day (PA) 12/02 S 10/03 R 1/03 S again 9/07 I choose Joy.
I'm just lost. I am avoiding him tonight if he calls. I just don't know what to feel or do. Suggesting that we get help is more of the same behavior for me. And I'm TIRED of being the fixer. I'm tired of reading all the flipping books and worrying about whether he'll make a half ass effort to save us.
...
What do I do???
well... if you're worried about his commitment... then how about letting him do the work this time.
and if he asks about it... tell him that. Tell him that you've been trying to improve things between you for a long time now. Now it's his turn.
You want to feel confident that he is serious about making things better between you two. and that you and he have the knowlege to MAKE things better between you two.
ask him what he plans to do about that
PS: oh.. i'm really glad about your whole evening nebulous future notwithstanding... you're still very lucky, and i envy you
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
going to recommend crucial conversations again. wow, do I see where it comes in handy with any kind of confrontation. it makes me see things so clearly...and helps me keep my focus on my goals, not on being right or wrong. very easy to get caught up in that, i know I do. doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, far from it, but it does mean that you can easily lose sight of what you really want if your focus is on "winning."
as for jumping up and down, far from it. h and i would have a hard row to hoe before he would be able to come home, first of all. there would be a LOT that would need to be resolved first, particularly because of the kids...I will not toy with their emotions. I will not be casual about daddy coming or going, and until I know he is here and we are doing everything possible to heal and resolve our problems, I would not feel comfortable.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
yep.....did the whole MB thing the last go round. H wasn't interested in the Policy of Joint Agreement and all the other stuff. I can't stress enough how the man was opposed to working on us.
So...you're right. I'm hands off right now. Mainly to help prevent myself from prematurely saying it's done. He's going to have to do a bit more than simply move back. I even asked him before he left what he's ever done to work on us and he said "I'm here!". No kidding. He really did.
Me (36) H (42) M (12) S-8 D-5 SS-18 D Day (PA) 12/02 S 10/03 R 1/03 S again 9/07 I choose Joy.
