There and Back #11

[SallyM]

hey all,

I had a good day today overall. H came early to get the kids, juts about an hour early, but thankfully I had just finished clearing my computer history and was playing with d3 when he got here, so I was in a good mood and not caught too unawares. I had them all packed, so he didn't have too much to do to get them ready. I was cheerful, didn't need to even act as if, really, it was just natural. H, on the other hand, looked very uncomfortable. hey, he knows his agenda for tomorrow, guessing that is not always a good thing...anticipation and all that. at least i can still pretend its about something else if I need to. lol. he's used to my emotional breakdowns when he confronts me about something, so it can't be easy to expect it.

I said goodbye to the kids and to him and he asked me why I was being so smiley to him. I am pleased to say I did not snark back at him, but at the same time, my face did. its going to take me a while to really get the techniques in the book down. lol. but I'll take the proud.

I've done a lot of thinking tonight. haven't read anymore (I'm about halfway thru), will read more tomorrow. instead, focused on processing what I've already read, what my friend and I talked about today (talked to my friend, the therapist, for about an hour...great talk), what my fears/thoughts are for tomorrow. I had one moment where i was sad, looking around my living room and realizing this is where its going to happen. then I got in my car and called my sister and got sad again because, although she hides it, I think she is happy about tomorrow. I think she is just ready for this to be over, with me moving on and closing this chapter once and for all. I think other people need resolution more than I even do. and honestly I'd probably feel similar if this was happening to a friend/sister instead of myself. (no, I'm not thinking for her, btw, she said as much the other day).

went and saw Dan in Real Life and loved it. a good movie...was an interesting one to watch, but I also found myself reflecting on myself and my situation during it.

I feel pretty good, once again, about tomorrow. its going to be hard, don't get me wrong, but I feel like if I can stick to the things I will write in the notebook I plan to have on hand (have them on a piece of paper, need to transfer them), that I will be okay. going to try my best to actively listen, not judge, not make it unsafe, to not answer anything, to stick to information gathering and ask for what I need (time to process) when it comes up. If only things would go as well as I have them in my mind, I know I'll be okay. again I come back to the childbirth analogy...you can plan, you can prepare, but there are bound to be things that go differently than you hoped for.

I really appreciate all of your support here. I feel like even though I'll be alone during it, I feel like you guys are with me in spirit. amazing how that helps.