our un-relationship

[Dom R]

Huh.

I see a problem with what you describe in that last paragraph, on both sides.

His problem behaviour He's not saying it very nicely.
Some people might take a comment like that, as something funny. almost endearing. But apparently, you do not.

Your problem behaviour: you're rejecting communication from him.
Even if you choose not to act on his likes and dislikes... shouldnt you at least be interested to know what his likes and dislikes are?

He chose to communicate with you, in that instance. There could have been a variety of motivations behind what he said. for example,

- "hee hee, those shoes look funny and make me smile"
- "I dont like those shoes. i'd like you to not wear them"
- "I want to make you feel dumb, like a 'toy'"

I'm not sure how you reacted. Maybe you just silently stewed about it. Sometimes, though... a constructive reaction, can both help you feel better about what happened, AND help make future communication better.

If we can safely presume he is not deliberately trying to make you feel dumb, what do you think about responding to that sort of thing, in one of the following ways:

"[joke: beep beep i'm callie the clown!]"

"Does that mean that you dont like them?" (and then you get an opportunity to learn more about him, by asking him why, if he doesnt.

"You hurt my feelings when you say stuff like that: you make me feel like i'm stupid, for not knowing how to buy adult shoes".


BTW: there is a hidden danger, in the last one, that I betcha most people wont even realize:
If you repeatedly throw "you hurt my feelings when you say that" kind of things at him, and he really is verbally clueless... he is eventually going to feel like everything he says hurts you,and the best thing to do is just never open his mouth!
So, I think that one needs to be used sparingly. both for your sake, and for his.

I used to be in that category. My wife would complain about so many things I would say. Honestly, I can understand to some degree, when she explained it to me... but she also seemed to get into a mode where she claimed I was being deliberately hurtful.
I wasnt... i just had no idea how what I was saying, could be taken negatively. It seemed like whatever I said, she would take the most possibly negative interpretation.

So I ended up trying not to say much.


I think that when you are expecting hurt... you can find it. Similarly, when you expect "controlling behaviour"... you can find it, even when it isnt meant. and so on, and so forth.

Sometimes, it's good to point it out to the person, to give them a chance to learn (if they are interested). Other times... it's nice to just give them the benefit of the doubt.

(kinda like that conditioner incident? )


by the example you picked out, though... I'm wondering whether it is not so much that you disliked his commenting about your clothes... but HOW he commented on your clothes.
I think that would put things in a different perspective.

If he always commented that poorly... maybe it's not so much that you arent willing to go along with him on clothes, but that you associate his clothing comments with negativity, so now you just automatically want to reject any and all clothing comments from him.

Next time he makes a "rude" comment, if that is his normal behaviour... you might try bringing that up with him directly.
ie: "I'm interested in what you think about my clothes, but you could at least be nice about the way you say things?"