our un-relationship

[Dom R]

Mmmm..

"comparing spouse to others", is always a problematic thing to do, it would seem. "That way, only unhappiness lies", says Yoda.

[ok, this is semi-related to your thing, but writing it here, since we've messed with agent99's thread enough ]

Sad thing is, oldtimer's comments were eerily like some of my wife's comments. The comment about "finally doing it 'for herself', now that she is no longer fighting the 'good enough for me' image", could have been spoken by her, in one of her angry-at-our-marriage blowups.

thing is, though... it doesnt make it an accurate statement, and nor does it make it for good spousal behaviour, hmm?

She [and possibly you, while married?] had a major chip on her shoulder, about "never being good enough for me". Trouble is... she hyper-reacted, to the point where she used that to justify not putting in full effort on things that I asked her for.

Lets say that, hypothetically speaking, I asked her if she would make me a bowl of soup, because I was really hungry, but couldnt stop working on [whatever it was] to fix food for myself.
In some circumstances, she might complain, and complain.. but if I kept asking her, she might bring me... half a cup of soup.

Then when I said, "umm.. i'm really hungry... i need more than half a cup of soup", i get hit with NOTHING I EVER DO IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUUU!!!

On the one hand, I can understand that a lot of criticism from me, could wear her down.
But on the other hand.. come on... how about just giving me a full bowl of soup, if you're going to make the effort to make soup in the first place?

It's like she deliberately gave me less than I asked for, to provoke me into complaining, so that she could then justify having a fit at me. Yet she was the one who was deliberately choosing to not meet my needs, and knowingly under-provide for me?

Did you ever get that way?

In reality, the situations were usually a bit more complicated. But it always seemed like she could have made the choice to give all of what I asked for... yet deliberately held back, so that she could rant about "nothing is ever good enough", when I asked her for the full amount of my original request.

Erm... if someone chooses to not do things fully... if someone deliberately offers half of what is requested...then yeah, it ISNT good enough, is it? So it's a "complaint", that she herself instigated.
Presumably, in hopes that I never ask her again for anything. Except that I needed those things from her specifically, as my wife.

Really tough to deal with.