My H, so far, is not guilty about his A yet either. I don’t know if he will ever say he is sorry or show remorse. I am hoping that one day he will. The closest he has gotten was to say ‘it was not the right thing to do’ not too long after I found out. Even if he does, I’m sure it won’t be until after he has committed to me, or made the decision to leave.
I would not even bring it up to your H at all. He is definitely deep in the addiction of the A so even though he may feel guilty at some level, he probably isn’t ready to express it to you.
My H was impotent with me for about 6 months. We were not too actively sexually but the few times we tried, he could not. I thought he had a problem but as it turns out, it was the A. I guess he felt too guilty to get it up. Since then I have addressed my intimacy issues and am turning things around. He is noticing.
You can’t break him of his addiction. The only thing you can do is DB. You said he is hardly talking to you. Don’t push him. Don’t pursue, beg, etc. Don’t force talks on reconciliation if he doesn’t want to talk. My H and I have talked quite a lot but most of the time it was when he initiated the conversation. Then again, I am fortunate because he is willing to talk. Some spouses here are not.
As far as knowing if they’re clean of STDs, you do need to know that. If the OW sleeps around, I would definitely ask him to be tested if he wants to get intimate with you again. If he refuses, then he certainly is not being respectful of you!
Be happy, act as if, GAL … be the person he wants to be with. It’s very, very hard to do these things right now! But it’s what I’ve tried to do. My H is still at home. I know if had moped around being miserable, crying, pursuing, or just being a b*tch, he probably would not be here. It would have made the OW seem more attractive to him, and since an A is an addiction, she already had that advantage over me. NOT ANY MORE!
I wish I could help you out of your rut. I’ve had many of those – days when you could hardly put one foot in front of the other. Post to the board when you’re feeling down.
And remember to GAL, don't count on him for your happiness right now. Do you have any friends/family you can get together with this weekend? I know I didn't even want to do that at first! I was too depressed. But I made myself do it, and always felt better afterwards. After all, you won't be at home doing nothing but thinking about things!
