My Wife wants out..still!!

[sandi2]

She cheated and I have to be the "kind" "compassionate" "understanding" "patient" person so she will not hate me later.

This is all about who leaves first so by being the WAS you can call the shots.

I am sure my W hasn't given me an honest second thought in weeks if not months. Why....because her fantasy man is the answer to her happiness and a better future!!!

Mark, listen to yourself, sweetie, or better yet....go back over all your post from your previous thread. One time you are so angry at her and the next time you can see why she would leave you and are down on yourself....feeling guilty, etc. Then you are feeling sorry for yourself. All these feelings are pretty normal, but I think the bottom line here in your situation is your pride. I don't mean to make you more angry by saying this, but I see it more and more in your posts. If you think she is so bad and has done so much wrong....then why fight her on this D? Why would you want such a terrible person back for your W? You love her? Then, it's your pride that has suffered. That is why you keep getting so stirred up. You were down and out, she left you while you were down and now your pride is stinging. You think she is calling the shots and that she is getting a "deal" here...when in reality, she isn't. We all have tried to tell you that you can't control her, but that is exactly what you are mad about....you can't control or fix this. All of it together has you at the place you can't think clearly.

Again let me say that all WAW's don't get to call all the shots. If I had walked away, my H would not have ever let me come back home. I certainly would not have been the good guy with my children, grandchildren, family, friends, church....on and on I could go b/c everyone loves my H! He is the nicest guy in the world and I would have been the queen b.tch from hell if I had left him. He accused me of adultry too, but I had not had a PA.....I did have an EA on line (no less) with a man I had never met in real life. I will forever have to live with that bad decision, and guilt, to lose myself in a fantasy world that could have ruined my life plus lose the respect of my children and other family and friends, lose my place in the church, my job.....everything I have ever known my whole life. But, I was so terribly unhappy and going through something that I didn't even realize until I was standing very deep in mess. I saw my H a angry, self-righteous, poor unsupportive, lazy, unwilling man (the side that nobody else could see) and he was accusing me of being an adultress! I had stuck with him through thick and thin, but now I was in trouble and all I could see was hatefulness spewing out of his mouth at me. He said things to me that he had never said before! Why would I want to stay with a man like that? He thought he could control me and set out to do that. Know what he did? He proceeded to treat me like I was his child! I was almost 60 and this man was trying to force me not to contact the OM. The more he tried to control me--the more determined I was to prove I could do whatever I wanted to do. So, I did. I was almost on the verge of meeting this OM to have a PA! That was how ticked I was at my H!

As I told you in the last post, if he had continued acting like he was originally.....I would have left and not looked back. Oh, I would hate it for the sake of the family and other reasons, but b/c of how he was behaving....it would have made it a lot easier for me. Are you listening to me here? You are making it easier for her to D you! You are being hateful and that makes it easy for her. No, she doesn't deserve your compassion, etc. That is what you don't get, sweetie. She doesn't deserve anything but your anger........but don't grant her that. It is when you stop bucking her and what she wants that she will start to see the 180.

You aren't listening to what everyone has tried to tell you. Or, maybe you've tried but it was too hard to apply the DB techniques. You want us to agree with you to fight her tooth and nail and be mean to her until she relents and go crawling back to you. It isn't going to happen that way. She will never ever go back to you acting like you are now. For one thing, she probably thinks you pretty much despise her right now. No woman wants to go back to a man that feels that way about her. One thing I worried about my H was that when we had a couple of talks, I was afraid it would always go back to the OM. I asked him is that was going to be how it would be and he thought for a minute and finally said that he could and would never mention the OM again.....and he has stuck by that. He also said that he would trust me....b/c he would have to in order to continue. Everything he has done has shown me how much trust he has in me. He leaves me alone for hours at a time. When I'm on the computer, he never comes back to stand behind me to see who I'm talking to or what I'm doing. He does not do any snooping (at least not that I know of). I'm sure none of this has been a bit easy for him, but he has done it and it is the only way I could have stayed with him. It would take only one time for him to throw any of it back in my face and I would be out of here. Do you see where I coming from?

Your W probably thinks, right now, that if she called off the D, or if she gave up the OM, you would throw that up in her face from now on. It's not that she deserves forgiveness.....anymore that I do.....but forgiveness is for the one giving it. You aren't ready for that step yet, but some day, I hope you can so you can move forward. However, if there is ever a chance on earth that the two of you could get back together.....you must do it. Oh, and for the record.....I never ASKED my H to forgive me! I did not feel the need to have it! Did you hear that? Are you shocked? He was! He was hurt and amazed that I had not run to him to apologize for my behavior. I am trying to tell you how a WAW thinks and feels. It is hard to tell this about myself and I hope that it will help somebody.....if it doesn't help you. Yes, I blamed him. I don't now, b/c my decision was my own doing....nobody forced me to do it. But I did just like your W.....I blamed my H for the shape our lives was in and the fact our M was unhappy. I finally did tell him I was sorry for hurting him. But not right away and not while he was so angry and self righteous.

I guess I am not saying anything that hasn't already been said. I just don't want to see you damage yourself anymore than you already have. I responded to your email. Write me when you get time.