He's on Match.com

[Dom R]

hi again OT

(I see that Agent99 posted while i edit, so this post is mostly for OT but there are bits in it for agent99, too. A question in the middle, and the end bit is somewhat relevant too)
Wow.. apologies this is so long... split off azhira reply..

Dom,

You are obsessed with the first typewritten word that came out of 99's H's mouth when he threw together an online profile, probably when he was drunk. Did he say, THE OVERRIDINGLY MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME IN A WOMAN IS A TIGHT BOD NOT BIGGER THAN SIZE 2???

as an "old timer", i'm guessing that you havent gone through the process of trying online dating. So, you probably dont realize the overall background of that kind of environment.

Any man who wrote what you put, isnt going to get anywhere.
Agent99's husband is selfish, not dumb.

One bit of backpedalling from me, though;

Agent99, did he put it in his actual profile description or was it just the only checkbox he made, as far as body type preferences.
I may have misunderstood what you were saying was in his profile.

it's less of an issue, if he only did the checkbox thing.
Although there is no "slender and toned" on match.com.
There is a box for "slender" and a separate box for "athletic and toned".

Of course one should work on oneself and take a spouse's wishes into account, when one is in a partnership. But, first, 99 and H aren't really in a partnership. Should you change your habits/interests/looks, act like someone you aren't to get someone to go on a date with you? I'd say not if you seek an authentic R.

Chosing whether or not to spend some amount of time a week taking care of your body, shouldnt define "who you are". It's a choice about how you maintain yourself. Just like choices about what you eat, how much you eat, etc.


That being said...

Losing a few pounds may/may not be good for 99. I certainly don't know. ...

I didnt mention losing weight. I suggested a commitment to "get in shape", and be "toned". I dont think that I once suggested that she lose weight.

Due to muscle being "heavy", this may mean that she technically "gains weight". It's not about weight, though.
A woman can be 100 pounds, have no muscle, and look terrible... vs being 120 pounds with good muscle def, and look fabulous. ("super" models, look horrible, in my opinion)

But none of this is here nor there. My point is that 99 needs to focus on HERSELF. She needs to be the best 99 she can be in a way that works for HER. If that doesn't work for her H, then yeah, too bad. But it for sure the best way to attract him back.

You keep making this all about her H and then broadcasting to him that it is all about him is not good for 99 or her M.

Once again: I'm not suggesting that she say she is doing it "all [for] him". I'm suggesting that she acknowlege that it is something of value to her.

Oldtimer, your overall theme of, "look good and feel good for yourself primarily, and if your H doesnt like it, too bad for him", doesnt seem to fit well with long term marriages. That's one reason it is described that people "drift apart".
If each person keeps primary focus on, "well, this works for ME, and if my spouse doesnt like it, then too bad"... then each person does the things they want.. and even if there is no animosity, they do different things, and "drift apart", with no common interests, and nothing tying them together any more.

I guess you (OT) must be lucky, in that what you want coincides most of the time with what your husband currently wants.
But if your husband changed his preferences... you're saying you would divorce him, or let him divorce you, rather than changing yourself to adapt to him?

People change drastically, over even 20 years.
Seems to me, that the only way the commitment of marriage can last through potentially 60+ years, is if there is a commitment to deliberately bring yourself and your spouse together, rather than an attitude of "this is me; this is how I choose to be, to please myself".


Seems like it requires that we make the lifelong effort, to preserve and nurture the bond between us and our spouses. Which means that yes, sometimes we have to change our behaviours, to be more compatible with what our spouse wants.

To use a less controversial example of changing yourself:

Lets say, for example, that your husband decided that he likes to watch soap operas/sitcoms (*cough* and wink to someone )
For some inexplicable reason, he really likes that, to the point that he spends an inordinate amount of time on it.
It's not your favourite thing to do. But you are now faced with the choice of completely ignoring that, and missing out on being with your husband for a significant amount of time every day... or changing yourself, and trying to find some aspect of it to enjoy also, so that you can have a common area of enjoyment.

The caring, nuturing, "support your marriage" thing to do, is the latter. Whereas, doing the former, is a sure-fire way to eventually alienate the two of you over time.