NikkiB #21

[NikB]

Hey all - thanks so much for posting!

RHW
We'll see... I think he is convinced I'm looking for a place to live this week, so it may "blow him away" in that he'll be really pissed off as opposed to impressed by it. Agree, need to keep the focus on myself though. I actually think he WANTS things to deteriorate. Why? I don't know.. but he sees himself going down a very bad path (he says this regularly) - but he keeps on going anyway.

OT
Thanks! Yeah, I was proud of myself for not taking it personally.

jak
Aw thank you!

ST
Ooh good to know on the sample paint, thanks!! I thought about doing the glaze thing too, but not sure if I want to spend THAT much time on it. Only because (more in a minute) I'm feeling more and more that this will be pretty temporary. Wanted to get feedback from all my wonderful friends here, though. If you could email me the pic just in case though that'd be cool! It sounds really neat.

I actually know a number of realtors, so it should be pretty easy to get them to do an analysis for me. Good idea to get a few and compare them.

About H being ok - maybe. I honestly think if it weren't for the financial downside he'd have pursued a D by now. He's got it pretty good right now - getting away with whatever the heck he wants, no financial strain, someone to come home to (even if I'm not here as much with the GAL'ing... but he's got that security blanket). I do agree he's scared of hurting me... and probably scared that this won't "fix" the problem. At which point he's going to be faced with - "Oh crap, that didn't work, now what?" He's hinted at these things a few times so I'm not completely mind reading.

I have thought about asking him to do something but kind of go back and forth on it. I may give it a try and just see how it goes. We had dinner together last night and it was not so great, though. If I do this whatever I pick needs to involve a lot less talking!

SD
Thank you! I like how you said that.

Ohhh yes, I expect some ugliness when I "move" - but I'm going to try the ol' act "as if" it's a good thing and try to keep myself positive about it. I have considered the lock thing, too.

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Quick update... party was pretty fun. It was kind of weird because it was right after work so a lot of people were just staying long enough to "make an appearance" then leave. Hung out with a few coworkers for awhile though.

Kinda had a rough night with H last night and am mad at myself for it today (partly for how I interacted w/him, and mostly for putting myself in situation that I knew had the potential to be pretty painful).

I was working on something in the office and he came in and told me he was craving pizza. Then he asked if I was hungry. It all just sounded weird, halfway like an invite, but not really. I finally said "Are you inviting me to go with you, or just telling me that you're going to eat pizza?" He said "Well I was inviting you but I don't know, do you think it's a bad idea?"

What I should have done, based on the "tone" of said invite: said no on me going, but have fun. What I did: said I thought it'd be fun.

Then shortly after that went out to meet H in the garage to go, and found him texting. Again.. realize I can't control it but good lord, you can't put the freaking thing down for 5 minutes??? I slammed the door, H asked what was wrong, I said I didn't appreciate his contact with his 'girlfriends' in front of me. He said sorry. At least he didn't try to defend himself, I might well have lost it.

ANOTHER time I should have caught on and made the choice to stay home, but no, I still went. On a positive note he left his cell phone at home. I noticed it and thanked him for it later [sincerely, and he took it well.]

Conversation was mostly ok. Kind of awkward and strained, we just talked about stuff at work etc. Mostly light and positive. Somehow we got on the topic of those corporate training videos that both our companies make us watch - and he apparently recently did the "sexual harassment" one. He then felt the need to tell me that he thought it was especially funny because "pretty much everyone in the Sales dept is screwing each other." (I have met some of them, they are some really skanky girls and 'player' guys... all are probably 22-23 too so very young.) I said "Yeah that's not really a surprise, from the ones I've met."

Not bad so far... then for some dumb reason I said "But at least they're up front about it. The rest of your company seems to be screwing each other too but they're lying, hiding it, and cheating on their spouses."

OMG... why in the he!! did I say that???

H's face went kind of pale and then he said "Well, yeah..." and we moved on to another topic. Soooo mad at myself for saying that though. The funny thing is I wasn't even accusing H of sleeping around (it occurred to me later that's how it probably sounded). It was more a dig at PW and her various married boyfriends who all work there. I am still fairly sure H never slept w/her... the latest OW/EA I am less sure about. Still, NOT a productive thing to say, in the slightest.

Today just getting some work done - in preparation for going to the Springsteen concert tonight. I haven't missed a local concert since I was 10 years old so I am SOO excited! My mom and I are going, it's kinda our thing.

Also extremely anxious today. Partly the thing from last night I think, and partly the reality of separating setting in. Not that we're very "together" at the moment anyway, but I'm anxious about the actual moving part. And I just got a call that my bed/sofa is in... need to go check it out to make sure it'll work then arrange the delivery. I'll do that tomorrow I think.

And that's where my question comes in - from those who've been following me awhile and know me and my sitch - do you think this in home sep thing is a good idea, longer term?? I am starting to doubt it and think that truly moving somewhere ELSE is what I need to do. In which case I won't bother doing much to the room - make it livable and sleep there temporarily until I find a place.

Some of this comes from talking w/my Dad earlier. He was asking me how things are going and I told him I'm just about fed up. We talked through it a lot (very good conversation actually) and somewhere during that I just started feeling like it's time to truly get out and move on. I don't feel there's much hope, and think the in house sep might just be dragging things out even longer. I am also afraid that if I stay much longer I will lose what little love I have left for H and the door will be closed completely. I would almost prefer to leave while there's a flicker of love there, rather than wait until my feelings for him are too far gone to ever get back.

I guess what it comes down to is, can I really "separate" from him and live in the same house and have that work for any length of time?

Alright... done thinking about the sad crap, time to get ready for the concert and put all this out of my head for a few hours!!