on the painting. Lowes has $5 cans of sample paints if your stuck between two or 3 colors. Also, depending on the lighting of your room, colors can look totally different. we did a very light tan/maybe champagne color that ended up looking purple! looked absolutely horible with the burnt orange color on the other wall.
also, you could experiment with glaze. A gallon is like $25 buck or more I think, but you wouldn't need that much. It could be a faux like finish. I think I have a pic on myspace of what I did, but maybe I'll email it to you. I used the edging tool, it's a flat painting thing that's about as big as your hand and you use it on the edges of the ceiling or wherever and I ended up using it on the whole wall and going back and forth with it in a half circular motion and I think it turned out pretty cool.
On the house. Definitely get more than 1 market analysis.. preferrably 3. If your upfront with the realtor they will probably be happy to get one for you, within a week or 2. Then you could also say that you may end up needing a condo in the future.
When I did an appraisal for our H/E loan, I had numbers 30K apart. But the realtors that I got the market analysis' from were pretty darn close to the middle of those.
I think the reason H is "okay" being in limbo are several. If he REALLY didn't want to be with you, I think he would have kicked you out or filed by now. So, he's scared, he still has feelings for you that confuse him, and he's going thru MLC/depression, and he's jealous just like OT said. He's scared because going thru the D, he knows, is going to change things tremendously.. he's scared of hurting you (why in the world did he take so long to drop the last bomb on you).. he's still fricken confused, especially since we all know he assumed he'd be happier after "breaking up" with you (since your the reason he's miserable like you said...cracks me up too) and it's not happening the way he imagined. I believe his pity party was due to some guilt. I'm not sure though, just my opinion. I'm curious. do you have any desire at all to invite him out sometime in the future? just on a whim?
and of course, just continue being you as you are doing, and that was perfect to quickly acknowledge his pity party and then move on as you did.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
"I just said sorry he didn't feel up to going out, and kept on with what I was doing."
Nikki, I'd say that was fine validation. You acknowledged his feelings and didn't take it personally.
Have fun at the party tonight :-D
I was thinking the same exact thing when I read that line. You want to be miserable? Fine, but it's SO not my fault. Your H is in a pity party here, but that doesn't mean you have to join him.
Your room sounds exciting! Makes me want to redecorate. I agree with the others who say H is going to be floored when you move in there. He might be ugly for a bit...but if you can remember that it's NOT about you and that it's HIS crazy, you'll be able to stay detached enough. Heck, if you have to, install a lock on your door.
You sound great. Remember who you are. Remember H's behavior is about him, and just because he decides to say something doesn't make it true.
Have fun tonight!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
RHW We'll see... I think he is convinced I'm looking for a place to live this week, so it may "blow him away" in that he'll be really pissed off as opposed to impressed by it. Agree, need to keep the focus on myself though. I actually think he WANTS things to deteriorate. Why? I don't know.. but he sees himself going down a very bad path (he says this regularly) - but he keeps on going anyway.
OT Thanks! Yeah, I was proud of myself for not taking it personally.
jak Aw thank you!
ST Ooh good to know on the sample paint, thanks!! I thought about doing the glaze thing too, but not sure if I want to spend THAT much time on it. Only because (more in a minute) I'm feeling more and more that this will be pretty temporary. Wanted to get feedback from all my wonderful friends here, though. If you could email me the pic just in case though that'd be cool! It sounds really neat.
I actually know a number of realtors, so it should be pretty easy to get them to do an analysis for me. Good idea to get a few and compare them.
About H being ok - maybe. I honestly think if it weren't for the financial downside he'd have pursued a D by now. He's got it pretty good right now - getting away with whatever the heck he wants, no financial strain, someone to come home to (even if I'm not here as much with the GAL'ing... but he's got that security blanket). I do agree he's scared of hurting me... and probably scared that this won't "fix" the problem. At which point he's going to be faced with - "Oh crap, that didn't work, now what?" He's hinted at these things a few times so I'm not completely mind reading.
I have thought about asking him to do something but kind of go back and forth on it. I may give it a try and just see how it goes. We had dinner together last night and it was not so great, though. If I do this whatever I pick needs to involve a lot less talking!
SD Thank you! I like how you said that.
Ohhh yes, I expect some ugliness when I "move" - but I'm going to try the ol' act "as if" it's a good thing and try to keep myself positive about it. I have considered the lock thing, too.
------------------
Quick update... party was pretty fun. It was kind of weird because it was right after work so a lot of people were just staying long enough to "make an appearance" then leave. Hung out with a few coworkers for awhile though.
Kinda had a rough night with H last night and am mad at myself for it today (partly for how I interacted w/him, and mostly for putting myself in situation that I knew had the potential to be pretty painful).
I was working on something in the office and he came in and told me he was craving pizza. Then he asked if I was hungry. It all just sounded weird, halfway like an invite, but not really. I finally said "Are you inviting me to go with you, or just telling me that you're going to eat pizza?" He said "Well I was inviting you but I don't know, do you think it's a bad idea?"
What I should have done, based on the "tone" of said invite: said no on me going, but have fun. What I did: said I thought it'd be fun.
Then shortly after that went out to meet H in the garage to go, and found him texting. Again.. realize I can't control it but good lord, you can't put the freaking thing down for 5 minutes??? I slammed the door, H asked what was wrong, I said I didn't appreciate his contact with his 'girlfriends' in front of me. He said sorry. At least he didn't try to defend himself, I might well have lost it.
ANOTHER time I should have caught on and made the choice to stay home, but no, I still went. On a positive note he left his cell phone at home. I noticed it and thanked him for it later [sincerely, and he took it well.]
Conversation was mostly ok. Kind of awkward and strained, we just talked about stuff at work etc. Mostly light and positive. Somehow we got on the topic of those corporate training videos that both our companies make us watch - and he apparently recently did the "sexual harassment" one. He then felt the need to tell me that he thought it was especially funny because "pretty much everyone in the Sales dept is screwing each other." (I have met some of them, they are some really skanky girls and 'player' guys... all are probably 22-23 too so very young.) I said "Yeah that's not really a surprise, from the ones I've met."
Not bad so far... then for some dumb reason I said "But at least they're up front about it. The rest of your company seems to be screwing each other too but they're lying, hiding it, and cheating on their spouses."
OMG... why in the he!! did I say that???
H's face went kind of pale and then he said "Well, yeah..." and we moved on to another topic. Soooo mad at myself for saying that though. The funny thing is I wasn't even accusing H of sleeping around (it occurred to me later that's how it probably sounded). It was more a dig at PW and her various married boyfriends who all work there. I am still fairly sure H never slept w/her... the latest OW/EA I am less sure about. Still, NOT a productive thing to say, in the slightest.
Today just getting some work done - in preparation for going to the Springsteen concert tonight. I haven't missed a local concert since I was 10 years old so I am SOO excited! My mom and I are going, it's kinda our thing.
Also extremely anxious today. Partly the thing from last night I think, and partly the reality of separating setting in. Not that we're very "together" at the moment anyway, but I'm anxious about the actual moving part. And I just got a call that my bed/sofa is in... need to go check it out to make sure it'll work then arrange the delivery. I'll do that tomorrow I think.
And that's where my question comes in - from those who've been following me awhile and know me and my sitch - do you think this in home sep thing is a good idea, longer term?? I am starting to doubt it and think that truly moving somewhere ELSE is what I need to do. In which case I won't bother doing much to the room - make it livable and sleep there temporarily until I find a place.
Some of this comes from talking w/my Dad earlier. He was asking me how things are going and I told him I'm just about fed up. We talked through it a lot (very good conversation actually) and somewhere during that I just started feeling like it's time to truly get out and move on. I don't feel there's much hope, and think the in house sep might just be dragging things out even longer. I am also afraid that if I stay much longer I will lose what little love I have left for H and the door will be closed completely. I would almost prefer to leave while there's a flicker of love there, rather than wait until my feelings for him are too far gone to ever get back.
I guess what it comes down to is, can I really "separate" from him and live in the same house and have that work for any length of time?
Alright... done thinking about the sad crap, time to get ready for the concert and put all this out of my head for a few hours!!
Last edited by NikkiB; 10/26/0709:23 PM.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I totally understand the awkward part. I believe Michelle mentions not doing dinner, but instead things that cause you to do something like bowling, or even watching a movie where you don't have to talk at all. on seeing him texting. I'm sorry it still hurts. I totally understand. One thing you need to do is decide, was this one of my boundaries and is he stepping over it, and if he did, what are the consequences, and if he didn't really step over it, then you just have to get over it. not being mean, but you just don't allow it to hurt you...you choose not to be affected by it. Or at least you don't let them know your affected by it.
although I understand right now, your not exactly DBing anymore.
on deciding whether you do this very temporary or not, I think your just going to have to play it out. I don't think your going to really know until you do it. AND, if you make the room TOTALLY you, then if you do leave sooner than you planned, he'll have to deal with the room that would totally remind him of you, and I'm almost positive that he won't be over you as easy as you think.
I think the whole texting thing is like a drug for him. part of it, is because it's a new venue for communication for him (right?) and that's something that's mentioned somewhere on here. Then he's like a teenager slipping out at night w/o his parents knowing... except it's him contacting or seeing EAs w/o you knowing....
I'm glad you got to have a good convo with your dad. I did too, and that definitely helps with our outlook on men. And I bet you'll have lots of fun at the concert!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
OT - that would work if I'd tell myself the same thing on a regular basis! I keep flip flopping like crazy, so hoped to get some saner perspective.
Or... were you meaning - "listen to yourself when you say moving somewhere else" (and ignore the other stuff I tell myself)?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Thanks ST! I really am going now so will reply more later...
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Okay. My thoughts. I'm guessing you are starting to lose that detachment you started feeling when you took that retreat. I think you are going to have to spend a lot more time away from the house while you stay there, so that you can gain back what you were feeling and build on it. You really need to build on it. I get the feeling you have a little more fight in you. You might be able to do it, but it will take hard work and extra effort on your part. It's great to see that you managed to stay as strong as you have... but... you can't afford to go backwards again. Two steps forward and one back, that's to be expected. Focus on taking your next two steps forward now.
Have you seen the movie The Breakup? Neither of them will move out of their condo. It's always coming to mind when I think of you and your sitch. Maybe you could take up some of those offers you've had from friends and co-workers to crash a night here and there. If you were to plan it with them, it would be easier on you and them both, and maybe it would be enough to help keep your confidence and PMA up. I bet it would also drive your H crazy in a way that he could use more of... a lot more of. He wouldn't need to know you had plans to do that. You might stop in to your house after work, then go out, and just not happen to make it home that night.
He doesn't need to know what you're doing until he makes a serious commitment to your M again. It sounds like you're doing a much better job at not sharing details of your life with him. Keep that up!!!
I wouldn't ask him to do anything with you. No, no, no. Let him invite you again, and then have your backup plan ready if he screws it up like he did last night.... so you can BACK OUT. Those are the kind of mini reality checks he needs... at least those! IMHO anyway. He was wanting to bring you closer to him. He will do that again. Next time is your opportunity to practice some boundaries if/when needed.
"Not bad so far... then for some dumb reason I said "But at least they're up front about it. The rest of your company seems to be screwing each other too but they're lying, hiding it, and cheating on their spouses."" I say GOOD FOR YOU, NIKKI!!!! Yay! No need to feel bad for that. It's okay. I get it, it doesn't feel good to say things that aren't nice. But cut yourself some slack. Earlier in the week I don't think you'd have been so hard on yourself about it. Focus on you, Nikki. Love yourself.
"ANOTHER time I should have caught on and made the choice to stay home, but no, I still went. On a positive note he left his cell phone at home. I noticed it and thanked him for it later [sincerely, and he took it well.]" Hey, good. That is a small positive. Now, I think your first point here.... about choosing to stay home the next time you're in a position like this.... is where I would put my focus. Like I said, you come across as still having some fight left in ya. Are you wanting to be detached and setting healthy boundaries? What does that look like? Maybe.... When you feel icky, or ticked off, disrespected, etc, you gracefully back out and leave the door open by saying "maybe next time"?
"I guess what it comes down to is, can I really "separate" from him and live in the same house and have that work for any length of time?" If you are determined to, yes. If not, no. Either way you go you will have to focus on you. It is hard living under the same roof, but it can be done. If you slide any further then I'd say it is a good idea to move out. I think you can do this though. Easy for me to say, I know. lol. You would need to start living as if you are "separate". What does *that* look like?
Hope you're having a blast at the concert with your Mom! Make it a fantabulous weekend!!
Hugs! Love, f21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Those are the kind of mini reality checks he needs... at least those! IMHO anyway. He was wanting to bring you closer to him. He will do that again. Next time is your opportunity to practice some boundaries if/when needed.