My Wife wants out..still!!

[dadtotwo]

BM07,

Thanks for your input. The stories do show some hope that it can sometimes turn around, even after D. If you read my sitch and see what happened, it would be nothing short of a miracle if we ever reconciled. Besides feeling betrayed, I also have to deal with the tremendous guilt for the financial problems I caused.

It is hard to look back and now see what I should have done to change things around. I lost my W's trust and respect because I hadn't grown up and took control. The guilt is so intense especially when I see my D5 & S4 then have to bring them back.

I wish our problems were not so drastic that we could find our way back. I am certain that once the D is final, she will be gone forever because she will never look at me any other way except for the person that deprived her being a wife, mother(of 3 but we only have 2), loved and content.

Why didn't I wake up sooner...

[Heimlich]

Mark,
You've taken some whacks from us yesterday, so here's something else to think about: It's not all your fault.

For myself, I found that when I started on this DBing path, I placed most of the blame on myself and very little on my W. That's not reality. Reality is that it takes two to make or break a M. It's OK to own up for your mistakes, and you've done a good job of that. It's not OK for you to take all of the blame onto yourself. You're W has her share too.

OK,that doens't invalidate all the stuff everyone said about anger earlier.

BD

[SteveInTN]

How amazing that the one that walks away gets to dictate what happens!!

Honestly, it isn't that amazing if you think about the simple truth. You preceive that she gets to "dictate" what happens because you are responding to her actions, trying to change her and she isn't responding to you. You can stop this stone cold by accepting the fact that you CANNOT control anything that she wants, thinks, feels, or does. You have NO CONTROL over her. You only have control over yourself, your own actions, and your own thoughts. The sooner you resign yourself to that simple fact the sooner the anger will start subsiding and you will find that you are in control of what matters to you.

[dadtotwo]

For me my biggest issue is the OM. My W started the phone calls the day she gave me the bomb. They continued for 7 weeks before she moved out. I have read so much on EA and why they happen and what the person "feels". I am so hurt by what she did and yet she contends that she did nothing wrong since they were only talking.

I am not able to process this well and it is a big part as to why I am angry. I feel she is pushing our D so she can free herself up for OM. I know you all will say that I can't control what she does. But she betrayed our vows and can justify her actions and has no accountability.

I really need to get as much fedback as possible. I am hurting and I need to figure out how to stop it.

[Heimlich]

I know exactly how you feel. My W has been talking (and most likely is seeing) the once and future OM over the summer. How she could even begin to think about choosing a man who has had two affairs over me boggles my mind.

What I've come to realize is that, you know what, it's her loss. She's a big girl. If she wants to make what I consider an absolutely horrendous decision, there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Once she realizes (if she ever does) what she's lost in me and being able to give our girls what I consider the gift of a solid nuclear family, then it becomes my decision of whether or not I would want to try with her at that point. For now, the answer would be yes. At some point in the future, that ship is going to sail. I don't know when, I just know it will.

I know it's hard, but you've got to let her go. Thinking about her and her choices doesn't do anything but get you worked up. You have to accept the fact that you do not have a husband/wife relationship with your W. Right now, and maybe forever, that R is dead. Maybe she'll decide to create a new one with you. Maybe not. Either way, get out of her way so that she can get there on her own.

And, yes, the fact that our W's shared their emotions and concerns with someone else and not us is a huge violation of us, our vows, and our trust. It is wrong. To me, I would have preferred that my W just f&ck another man rather than fall in love with one. Hearing another man's name and soulmate in the same sentence is not pleasant.

So, what do you want to do? Is the fact that she is having an EA a deal breaker for you? If so, fine. That's one decision. If not, go back and reread the advice everyone has given you.

It takes time. Less or more depending on the person, but the pain does begin to go away. The hurt will become an ache, then a twinge then an occassional, oh yeah, I remember what that felt like.

BD

[dadtotwo]

It is so sad how we go from happiness and starting a family to marital stress and mistrust then D. I don't want to give up but it looks as if I have no choice. We just haven't tried everything to save our marriage but I can't try by myself.

[PMA_Baby!]

yup

[sandi2]

Sorry, just got the message. I contacted you.

[sandi2]

She cheated and I have to be the "kind" "compassionate" "understanding" "patient" person so she will not hate me later.

This is all about who leaves first so by being the WAS you can call the shots.

I am sure my W hasn't given me an honest second thought in weeks if not months. Why....because her fantasy man is the answer to her happiness and a better future!!!

Mark, listen to yourself, sweetie, or better yet....go back over all your post from your previous thread. One time you are so angry at her and the next time you can see why she would leave you and are down on yourself....feeling guilty, etc. Then you are feeling sorry for yourself. All these feelings are pretty normal, but I think the bottom line here in your situation is your pride. I don't mean to make you more angry by saying this, but I see it more and more in your posts. If you think she is so bad and has done so much wrong....then why fight her on this D? Why would you want such a terrible person back for your W? You love her? Then, it's your pride that has suffered. That is why you keep getting so stirred up. You were down and out, she left you while you were down and now your pride is stinging. You think she is calling the shots and that she is getting a "deal" here...when in reality, she isn't. We all have tried to tell you that you can't control her, but that is exactly what you are mad about....you can't control or fix this. All of it together has you at the place you can't think clearly.

Again let me say that all WAW's don't get to call all the shots. If I had walked away, my H would not have ever let me come back home. I certainly would not have been the good guy with my children, grandchildren, family, friends, church....on and on I could go b/c everyone loves my H! He is the nicest guy in the world and I would have been the queen b.tch from hell if I had left him. He accused me of adultry too, but I had not had a PA.....I did have an EA on line (no less) with a man I had never met in real life. I will forever have to live with that bad decision, and guilt, to lose myself in a fantasy world that could have ruined my life plus lose the respect of my children and other family and friends, lose my place in the church, my job.....everything I have ever known my whole life. But, I was so terribly unhappy and going through something that I didn't even realize until I was standing very deep in mess. I saw my H a angry, self-righteous, poor unsupportive, lazy, unwilling man (the side that nobody else could see) and he was accusing me of being an adultress! I had stuck with him through thick and thin, but now I was in trouble and all I could see was hatefulness spewing out of his mouth at me. He said things to me that he had never said before! Why would I want to stay with a man like that? He thought he could control me and set out to do that. Know what he did? He proceeded to treat me like I was his child! I was almost 60 and this man was trying to force me not to contact the OM. The more he tried to control me--the more determined I was to prove I could do whatever I wanted to do. So, I did. I was almost on the verge of meeting this OM to have a PA! That was how ticked I was at my H!

As I told you in the last post, if he had continued acting like he was originally.....I would have left and not looked back. Oh, I would hate it for the sake of the family and other reasons, but b/c of how he was behaving....it would have made it a lot easier for me. Are you listening to me here? You are making it easier for her to D you! You are being hateful and that makes it easy for her. No, she doesn't deserve your compassion, etc. That is what you don't get, sweetie. She doesn't deserve anything but your anger........but don't grant her that. It is when you stop bucking her and what she wants that she will start to see the 180.

You aren't listening to what everyone has tried to tell you. Or, maybe you've tried but it was too hard to apply the DB techniques. You want us to agree with you to fight her tooth and nail and be mean to her until she relents and go crawling back to you. It isn't going to happen that way. She will never ever go back to you acting like you are now. For one thing, she probably thinks you pretty much despise her right now. No woman wants to go back to a man that feels that way about her. One thing I worried about my H was that when we had a couple of talks, I was afraid it would always go back to the OM. I asked him is that was going to be how it would be and he thought for a minute and finally said that he could and would never mention the OM again.....and he has stuck by that. He also said that he would trust me....b/c he would have to in order to continue. Everything he has done has shown me how much trust he has in me. He leaves me alone for hours at a time. When I'm on the computer, he never comes back to stand behind me to see who I'm talking to or what I'm doing. He does not do any snooping (at least not that I know of). I'm sure none of this has been a bit easy for him, but he has done it and it is the only way I could have stayed with him. It would take only one time for him to throw any of it back in my face and I would be out of here. Do you see where I coming from?

Your W probably thinks, right now, that if she called off the D, or if she gave up the OM, you would throw that up in her face from now on. It's not that she deserves forgiveness.....anymore that I do.....but forgiveness is for the one giving it. You aren't ready for that step yet, but some day, I hope you can so you can move forward. However, if there is ever a chance on earth that the two of you could get back together.....you must do it. Oh, and for the record.....I never ASKED my H to forgive me! I did not feel the need to have it! Did you hear that? Are you shocked? He was! He was hurt and amazed that I had not run to him to apologize for my behavior. I am trying to tell you how a WAW thinks and feels. It is hard to tell this about myself and I hope that it will help somebody.....if it doesn't help you. Yes, I blamed him. I don't now, b/c my decision was my own doing....nobody forced me to do it. But I did just like your W.....I blamed my H for the shape our lives was in and the fact our M was unhappy. I finally did tell him I was sorry for hurting him. But not right away and not while he was so angry and self righteous.

I guess I am not saying anything that hasn't already been said. I just don't want to see you damage yourself anymore than you already have. I responded to your email. Write me when you get time.

[dadtotwo]

Sandi2,

I did not receive your email.

markyb

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