Hardly faking it anymore: Puddle's third thread

[Puddle]

Hey Heim!

Good to hear from you. Things are awful quiet over on your thread...

Just a shame he won't turn towards you to work through it together.

You know, when I read this I thought, "Yikes!" Not sure how I'd do if he did. I think I could be calm and distant, but I have the sense the distant part wouldn't do anything for him right now. Actually his call surprised me in its openness, but what I felt was sorry for him instead of the "honey, we can work this out together" I've felt in the past. I'm not sure how much of a help I could be to him right now.

smart as the two of you are, you'd think it'd be obvious to him.

I think he's painfully aware that the sitch right now calls for him to deal with things himself. Not sure he wants much of my help, which is why I occasionally offer it and drop it instead of talking possible solutions with him (which, come to think of it, is the best way to go in most Rs, regardless).

From what I can recall, he's leaned on you a lot in the past.

That's interesting. Right now I'd say, looking back, he hasn't leaned on me a lot. We've had such a yin-yang thing going for so long---he's up, I'm down; he's down, I'm up---but I don't think either of us has said often enough, "You know, I'm scared/having trouble...."

In the past month or so, you've been more open with your emotions with him while also somewhat withdrawing that emotional support he's had for a while. Could that be throwing him off?

I think he might be surprised at how much trouble he's having, but that's just a guess. He's showing me more vulnerability in the last few weeks (between a lot of cool distance) than he ever has in our entire R, which is funny, considering that at the same time he's been more take-charge, and has professed less concern than ever about what anyone thinks of anything.

But maybe you're right. You know, my goal has always been emotional vulnerability combined with great strength. Now I feel like I'm working hard to reach that place, and H just seems like he's stuck. I wouldn't assume that he sees where I am (and I certainly haven't told him specifically what I'm working toward), but maybe he does get some of it.

I admitted to a friend the other day that as unpleasant as H is sometimes these days, his being down gives me a sense of power. It's so much easier to be up when the person on the other end of the rope is down. If and when he gets it together and moves to a happier place, I need to be comfortable enough in my own skin not to take the usual downside. And that's what I'm working on.

Sounds like, right now, you could get this guy into the friend zone and he'd be OK with that.

Yeah, I think he'd be totally comfortable with that, and so would I.

Friends that are 6'4", invite you to play kickball, and spout off about Foucoult (sp?) are pretty rare.

Actually, turns out he's 6' (I heard "four" instead of "foot," much to my chagrin. H is also 6'.) But kickball (what the hell is that, anyway?) sounds silly enough, and anyone who knows their Foucault and Said is okay in my book.

Go play some kickball. Sounds like fun. Do earth mothers (or whatever he called you) play kickball?

LOL! That cracked me up! Yeah, "earth mother" is what I heard when he said "folk rock diva," too, which is why I asked for clarification. Unshaven, bra-less women running up and down a field does not sound sexy to me. But hey, maybe it does to him.

I got the day off from H and the kids; we'll see what happens.

It's weird to get an invitation like that and realize the person extending it has no constraints other than whether or not they feel like going. I remember those days.

And I have a message out to my wonderful blond friend asking if she's up for something tonight, since H said he'll be home.

I had a moment of clarity the other day re the hangout. I was asking myself, "What do *I* want there?" and I realized I don't want to go back to the full-blown integration there. I really, truly like these people, but it all centers around sitting around drinking and smoking, and at the end there (pre-bomb) I realized I was turning into a vegetable there, despite the fun, often interesting conversation and good vibe.

So what I think I want to do is make an appearance or two---to practice some humility and good PMA despite what anyone's thinking and to be gracious and have some fun---but I don't want to fully go back. That's not the life I want to build for myself, and I think I'll feel good leaving them to it.

Take care.