From the sound of it, and those of us who follow stories on these boards, it's pretty clear your wife is having an affair. Often when a woman falls in love with another man suddenly they become "clear" on how unhappy they have been in their marriage. The affair is the catalyst for what is called re-writing the marriage story. And guess who the villain is in the new story? You. How else can she cope with the guilt and outrageousness of an affair? She has to paint you as a person who is worthy to be cheated on. Now this doesn't mean that there were not problems in the marraige that led to the affair, but, often these get magnified way beyond proportion once the affair is under way.
By the way, the whole re-writing the marital history is rather unconcious. The affair must be rationalized and, in the fog-induced state of an affair, the mind will natually seek a reson for that the heart is doing. It's almost biological. There's an adrenaline and endorphine reaction in the person who is in the early stage of a romance. Your wife is literally in mating season, to use a crude term. Her biological makeup is gravitating to the Other Man And, since you only mate with one person at a time, all intruders, (that's you) get crowded out. She crowds you our by painting you as an inferior mate.
In addition the separation gets sold as "needing space" and "figuring me out." Sometimes that true. Often it's the pretext for setting up a love nest.
In addition, the "I'm not happy in the marriage" speech, is almost always 99% the first thing you hear and then, they just happen to mention there might be someone else in the picture. They minimize the Other Person's role. Then, as the evidence pours in, you see a different picture.
What's your biological reaction and chemical make up during this whole crisis? Naturally you percieve a threat so, unless you can go out and beat the crap out of the OM and get your wife back, those chemicals start back firing in your system. Without the fight or flight response the body starts turning stress in on itself. Then depression sets in. Then comes sadness, grief and anger. Your biochemical state is this: anxiety, depression, obession, grief and rage. Hardly attractive is it?
Dude, this is textbook.
Sorry for the bad news.
The only evidence you have is massive phone calls and internet correspondence. I think your gut is right, however.
Often, for some people, an emotional affair is as potent a marriage destroyer as a physical affair. So whether there is sex or not, she's given her heart to someone else.
And the more you try to stop/fight the affair, the more power you give it. Your interference will give it a romantic, forbidden and exotic flavor. Look at Romeo and Juliet.
It has to run it's course.
If you haven't read the Divorce Remedy, do so. Fast forward to page 124 and read the Last Resort Technique, then start readong the whole book.
Basic rules of engagement.
1. Don't chase. 2. Don't be desperate or needy. 3. Give her space. 4. Get a life. That is, focus on yourself. Your joy, your hobbies, your call to adventure. 5. Get regular excerize. IT's nature's anti-depressant. It's also help externalize the fight or flight response your body needs to offer this crisis. 6. Generally most affairs burn themselves out. When they do, the person needs time to grieve the loss of the affair partner and then only starts to come out of the fog. The question is, what kind of person will YOU be when she comes out of the fog? Being physically fit, happy, grounded, self-confident, non-needy and warrior-like, will be very attractive to her. Possibly this is the time you tap into that part of you she's been waiting to see.
