I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

[sandi2]

Okay, so my thread locked and I need to start another. However, there isn't much to tell right now. My H and I are getting along a lot better. When we talk or speak to each other...it is much nicer and our tone of voices are much sweeter than they use to be. We show more consideration than we did before....the EA with OM came into our lives. I am not spending as much time on this board as I was in the beginning b/c I am spending more time with him watching those stupid TV shows (lol). Things are more relaxed now and we talk together easier.

He did something last week that was real sweet. As you all know, I have suffered with depression for a long time. I woke up one day last week feeling really over-whelmed with the feeling of depression. I told him about it and he asked why I felt that way. I told him that there was no reason for it and that is why it is so crazy. I can wake up one day and have it really bad and the next day it will be fine.....and there is nothing that happens or that I do differently. Anyway, while I was a work the florist delivered some fresh flowers to me. I knew the minute I saw them that it was from him. He just had his name and that he loved me written on the card.

I have worried a lot about my kids and the things they are going through, but I won't get off into all that. However, I would appreciate your prayer for my D b/c the doctor thinks she may have had a light heart attack. He run some tests today, but it will be three weeks before he sees her again. He comes once a month to our town. That is a long time to wait knowing that she may have a heart attack while she is waiting to see him again. He gave her some medication to be taking. Anyway, that all worries me much more than my MR right now.

Well, I don't have much else to tell. It is slowly getting better. I would say that things are back to where they were....only better now. I hope you will drop in to visit with me.

[Dom R]

Anyway, while I was a work the florist delivered some fresh flowers to me. I knew the minute I saw them that it was from him. He just had his name and that he loved me written on the card.

Awwww... that's really great Both that he sent them, and that you were glad to get them

Are you sitting next to him while you watch Tv these days?


PS: "back to where they were" ? which "were"?

[karen1]

Sandi,

Give the man a little TLC. It is hard to face getting older and having health problems as you well know due to the issues with fibromyalgia etc... Make sure that you let him know that you don't believe he is any less of a "man" because of health concerns.

Karen

[sandi2]

Hi DomR and Karen,

Thanks for writing. I was about to think nobody loved me anymore (lol). Yes, I did try to show him that I appreciated the flowers and his show of concern for me. I have to tell you something funny, though. I was having a terrible time with allergies. Went to the doctor a couple of times for shots and meds. Anyway, when the fresh flowers came.....guess what happened? Yep! They had some kind of wild grass or weed or something in there that just triggered my allergies all over again. I knew I could not keep them on my desk, so I took them home at lunch. Well, I could not stay in the front room with them, so I had to move them into the dinning room....lol. I finally had to pull that weed out and then everything was ok.

Yes, Dom I am sitting next to him. I said everything was back to normal, but really it is a lot better than before. As I told you, we treat each other a lot nicer. Before, he had gotten where he spoke to me in a not so nice way and I resented it a lot. Then, in return, I would not speak so sweetly to him either. So, that has stopped and I think we are more careful in how we talk to each other. He has been so good to do jobs around the house, and especially to cook when I am feeling bad.
We kiss and tell each other good-bye and that we love each other. That may not seem like a lot to some folks, but knowing how strained it had been for so long.....I feel that we have covered some ground. It seems that he has been able to put the past year behind us and move forward. I am still struggling with some issues in forgiving myself and not feeling like a hypocrite at church, etc. I know I have made things right with God, but maybe I'm harder on myself. It shames me to no end when I think about what I did. I look back and wonder who that woman was! I have to admit that there have been some low moments for me when I struggled with depression, but I will not place my MR in danger again by making such stupid decisions as to get involved with any person or activity that is not healthy for my M. My rule of thumb (so to speak) is that if it can't include my H or I would not feel comfortable if he was watching, then I don't need to be doing it. As I told another person last night......I don't believe in "friendships" with the opposite sex that does not include the spouse. Believe me......I learned my lesson the hard way.

So, all in all, things are much better. Even if we never reach the point of sexual activity again......I want us to have a intimate closeness in other ways....if that makes sense. I know Dom, you won't think that is acceptable, but right now, I would settle for that. I have given up the "fantasy" that I went through when I was involved with OM and have accepted what my reality is. I want to make the most of a relationship with my H......regardless of what that may or may not lead to. I just want to be relaxed and not be unhappy and uptight all the time. I do hope that things will keep getting better until the sexual activity will return to the MR.....and I have not given up on that, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to stress out about it at this time. We have too much other stress in our lives where our children are concerned. We are very concerned over the health of our D. That takes priority in our hearts at the moment.

Again, thanks for droping in to see me. I hope to hear from you again very soon. You guys help keep me going.

[Dom R]

We kiss and tell each other good-bye and that we love each other. That may not seem like a lot to some folks, but knowing how strained it had been for so long....

well, believe it or not, I think that is fabulous!

I just want to be relaxed and not be unhappy and uptight all the time. I do hope that things will keep getting better until the sexual activity will return to the MR.....and I have not given up on that, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to stress out about it at this time.

and again... i guess you are going to be shocked by this... but I think that is a great plan, and I have no further "pressure" to put upon you.
It sounds to me like you and your H, are on a good path, and something may happen a little further down the road... but right now, both of you are enjoying the walk together. and that, i think, is the number one most important thing. Congratulations

I hope you will do a little update blogging every now and again, as encouragement for other folks.

[Dom R]

BTW:

Basically, I was pushy with you previously, to try to get you jumpstarted and over the hurdle of, making the decision to actively try to do positive things with your husband. To nudge over from WAW, "this relationship is doomed/stale/no good" mode, to being engaged in positive stuff. To get a positive cycle going, where both you, and he, ended up more doing positive things for each other, than negative, or nothing.

it sounds like you are well out of that do-nothing mode now, and so is your husband. I'm very happy for you

[sandi2]

Thanks Dom, and I really do appreciate how you have hung in there for me. I have said it at least a hundred time that if it had not been for all of my friends here on the board, I would be in a real mess now. You all help save my marriage by being here for me. A million thanks over and over.

[Scottymack]

Hi sandi, glad to see your M moving in a positive direction.
I resposted on MLC if you are inclined to see where I am at in my sitch.
Hope all continues to go well with you, and I will continue to update my sitch every few days.
Things not going as well as I would have hoped after those few weeks when I thought we had turned the corner. But not giving up yet. Take care.

[Scottymack]

Hi Sandi, can you tell me how your moods were when you were in contact with the OM?
I am asking b/c my W seems to be in and out of moods the last couple of days.
She has been pretty nice and chatty the last couple of weeks, but last nite I could see it in her eyes that she was miserable.
She worked late and I ordered take out from the local deli, and got her favorite. I wanted to take a walk last nite while it was still light, so I ate and went for my walk.
When I came home my W was at the computer, and I saw that she ate what I had gotten her. She made a comment about how chilly the air was and I agreed with her.
I then went and did my thing, and she got dressed and went out, saying we needed milk. She was gone for about a half hour, and i know that the store is only 4 blocks away. So maybe she was talking to the OM.
When she came home she gave me a look, and I didnt say a word, and she went into the living room to read.
This morning I had just gotten up and she was about to leave for work. I told her to have a good day and I would see her tonite, and she just looked and said see you tonite.
Again I could see it in her eyes that she was miserable.
What I would like to know is, if you were in contact with the OM, were you in a better mood, and if you couldnt contact him, were you miserable?
I still think my W is in contact with OM, and I just wonder if something is going on, such as the OM pulling out of the R or my W just not being able to talk to him.
Have a counseling this afternoon, and I hope to find out if my W talked about anything.
Thanks for your help.

[sandi2]

Hi SM,

So sorry things are not going well. I can't say that I was in any particular mood when contacting OM. I just wanted my H out of the house so I could be on the computer and could IM the OM. If I couldn't, then I would walk around the block and take my cell phone so I could call him. Sometimes I would take a drive to the store and talk on phone. But, I perferred the computer, of course. The only time I would get anxious if people came over to visit and I was wanting time on the computer....of course, I tried not to let it show. In fact, as long as I could get my time in with OM on the computer, I was probably in a better mood. A couple of times, he had to leave and go out of to a place where there were no computers and we couldn't communicate for a couple of days......I was pretty "down" then just knowing I couldn't talk to him.

My thoughts (if she is still making contact with him) is that he is gone and she can't reach him or else one of them has pulled away and she may be "grieving" him. If she is trying to break it off, she will probably go through that grieving period. I know that makes you sick to think about it, but trust me, it isn't love....it's just the "connection"....that's all. But she will need to get through it. I hope that is what has happened. If he has pulled away.....it will probably take her longer to get over it b/c it wasn't her decision. She will feel jilted, etc.

It may not have anything to do with OM. Could be something physical.....hormone swings.....a number of things. Now, I may have appeared to be moody to my family, I don't know. Never heard them mention me being more than usual.

My time with OM was during a stressful time when our grown D had been recovering from surgery and was staying with us, plus her son. So there was not much privacy or time alone with my H. I would go to the back room where our computer is and close the door and nobody thought anything about it. They just thought I was closing out the noise. But, the truth was, I wanted privacy with my OM.

I wish I could be more helpful. If there is anything else I can answer or tell you, just let me know. Sure hope things get better. I hope she has decided to tell him bye. Like I said, if she has, I think you will see her "moody" and acting kind of depressed for a while, but she may also turn toward you more. Depends on the individual person and how involved they are with the OP and for how long. It took all of the three months for me to get over him.....by that, I mean to stop "missing" the contact with him. I think about him sometimes, but it is different now.

Let me hear from you.