He's on Match.com

[Dom R]

Regarding telling H--I don't know. I think it would be better for me to say "I'm so sore from working out" Or "Wow, these pants are so baggy-guess the (walking/biking/whatever) is working."

Why do you think it would be better that way?

In some respects, i know that it "feels" to be counter to what many "recover your marriage" books say, about not announcing changes in yourself.

However...The thing about books is... they are potential methods and ways of doing things. They are not the end-all be-all of marriage recovery. If everyone's relationship worked *exactly* the same, then there would only need to be one book, and everyone would follow it, and there would be no divorce.

Your husband is acting quite differently than most of the "case studies" given in books, and also, differently than most of the spouses that people complain about here.

The big difference, is that he tells you, directly, things about you that bother him. For the most part, that is. It was unfortunate that he didnt tell you about the "toned body" thing, but I already explained a likely reason why he probably chose not to in that case.


He deals directly with you. He also likes it when you are direct, up front, "bold" with him, too.
That's why I think the usual rule of thumb, of, "dont tell leaving spouse about the changes you are making", does not need to be strictly applied to your situation.
That is also one of the reasons, why I think you should tell him directly.

More below:

WAAAAAY back, when I had the tough trainer, etc, I had made a deal with him-- I would do the program and he would quit smoking. He stopped smoking for a few weeks. I did the program for months. I think we BOTH of let ourselves and each other down when it comes to doing something that we don't like. I'm not saying it's right- just how it's been.

ok, I hear what you are saying. Both of you didnt pull your weight (so to speak. har har).
But... why are you bringing that up now?
Is a part of you, trying to talk yourself out of making a commitment, because you "failed before"?

I get the feeling that one reason you dont want to tell him, is that you are afraid of making the commitment. If you tell him. (or "us" here), then maybe it feels like an real commitment that you cant just give up on easily. Whereas at the moment, seems like you're not committed to do it. I say that, because you have avoided my question multiple times now, about "are you going to commit to regular excercise?"


It's your choice to make, of course. I cant tell you what to do. It's your marriage. I've stated what I think you should do, and why I think you should do it.
I'm still left wondering, what your actual choice is, though.

ARE you committed to regular excercise from now on? Or are you still just toying with it, and "seeing how it goes"?


PS: clarification: I'm not suggesting that you announce that you are doing this "for him". Rather, I'm only suggesting that you let him know, that you are planning to do regular excercise from now on, because you recognize that it is a benefit for you.
You might choose to challenge him to quit smoking again, but yet make it clear to him, that whether or not he chooses to, will not affect your commitment to excercise, for yourself.