He's on Match.com

[Trixi]

Do you really think that your 3 months of separation have been a "good thing" for your marriage?
I would classify it as something that "isnt working", myself.
What has worked, in my perspective, was when you spent more time together, not less.

I didn't want this separation.

When he "came back" and said that *we* should date, was AFTER we had NOT seen each other. And now that we have been seeing each other fairly consistently, as time has marched on, the frequency and dare I say "enjoyment" has been diminishing; to the point that he is again announcing his intentions to date and that he sees divorce in our future (more so than in the past.)

If you tell him,and also show him that you are doing it when you say you will.. that will give him pause enough to wonder, "will she actually stick to it this time?", and probably wait and see if you do. (rather than go on more dates)

A month of him dating other people, could do serious harm to your marriage.

He is totally crystal clear that he wants to date others. That he MUST date others, really.
And, yes, it could do serious harm. He does not seem to care; well, obviously he doesn't care-- he left.

Yeah, it might be good to tell him that I have an exercise plan..... oh geez. I gotta run. Time to continue viewing cars for my DD. Ugh.

[Dom R]

When he "came back" and said that *we* should date, was AFTER we had NOT seen each other. And now that we have been seeing each other fairly consistently, as time has marched on, the frequency and dare I say "enjoyment" has been diminishing; to the point that he is again announcing his intentions to date and that he sees divorce in our future (more so than in the past.)

sorry to hear that.

He is totally crystal clear that he wants to date others. That he MUST date others, really.

you might think about WHY that is.

I'm guessing it is "because he doesnt yet see in you, what he is looking for". aka "he doesnt want to 'settle' any more: you havent shown that you've changed enough, to meet his emotional needs."

Yeah, it might be good to tell him that I have an exercise plan..... oh geez. I gotta run. Time to continue viewing cars for my DD. Ugh.

sigh. Putting it off again.

Agent... this is probably your last chance to make a good impression on him in this area.
You know this is important to him. It may even be one of the top reasons why he walked out on you.
Why are you still sidestepping and avoiding doing something about this?
Is convincing yourself "it wont help", really a better choice for you, than committing to fix this major issue between you and your husband?

right now, through your own words, your husband is getting further and further away from you every day.
You have a chance to reverse this. Every day you have wasted, has made it more difficult to get his attention with this.

I suggested this to you on the 18th. Today is the 25th.
You have wasted an entire week on procrastinating and putting this off.
That's 7 days of your husband getting progressively further away from you, because you did nothing, in an area where you could have done something.

Are you going to make the tough decision today, to actually do something positive about it? Is a week long enough procrastination for you?
Or are you just going to let things decay?

- You know this is really important to him!! #1 item he was looking for! Do you disagree?

- It is in your power to DO something about it. Do you disagree?

presuming that you do not disagree with either of those statements, then the only question is, why arent you doing something about it? TODAY?
Why would you put off fixing something for your marriage any longer??

[Trixi]

- You know this is really important to him!! #1 item he was looking for! Do you disagree?

I don't disagree, but I don't know that *this* is really what it is. He is a fairly insightful person-- and he has repeatedly said that he doesn't know what exactly is missing, but he wishes he did know so that I could address it. (And he maintained the same stance with the counselor too. "99 is a great woman. I love her a lot. Just "something" is missing and I don't know what it is.")

If it was as simple as, "I wish you would exercise more" I bet he would say that.

Oh, and last night we went to dinner where he AGAIN pointed out that if he was just looking for sex with someone younger, he has had plenty of opportunities to do that. That he is NOT looking for that. My paraphrase: if it was just about a trimmer/tighter body; he'd already been doing that.

I wanted to say something like "okay-so we have established you aren't "dating" to get laid. That would mean you are "dating" to find someone better than me for a serious relationship--all while you still are quasi-with me. Nice."

Okay- to not try to evade your question-- Saturday was taken up showing homes; since Sunday, any flippin' spare time has been trying to get my DD a used car. I am exhausted dealing with used car salespeople, just got done trying to convince a private owner to let us take it to a mechanic to be checked out and he refused. (I thought we were near the end of the tunnel and he had to go and be an jerk.) OMG, I HATE buying a car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night we (just he and I) went to look at the private owner's car. On the way there he was being a turd and I called him out on it; so he started flirting. Then we went to dinner- he LOVES how I eat. When I eat good food, I (guess) I sound like when we are goofing around. About half-way thru dinner he said "You make me so horny." I ended up "kidnapping" him (with his approval) and we had a nice night and this morning I took him back to his car.

Hopefully he noticed that the bike was no longer on the wall.

There is one other component to this whole thing that I have been working on that will be a good segue for the exercise issue, and once that is complete, that will open up another door of conversation.

One more interesting thing from last night- he said "I don't know what I am doing wrong. I can't seem to really connect with people." This was good, because before I was sort of being blamed for it. I gave him advice on what to do (probably shouldn't have--probably should have let him experience a little more of it). Anyway, I was glad he shared with me.

He gave me some really nice kisses goodbye this morning when I dropped him off. And we have been spending a lot of time on the phone (and now IM'ing) about this car sitch. It's been quite pleasant.

[Dom R]

If it was as simple as, "I wish you would exercise more" I bet he would say that.

Do you know just how many people who have troubled marriages, say things like that?

Do you know just how many people, who go to joint therapy, find out how completely wrong they are about assumptions like that?

No, things arent simple.
But please trust me, that even if it is "only" a major factor, rather than "the" factor.. he still wouldnt say it to you. Two reasons:

1. "he doesnt want to hurt your feelings" (sounds silly given the situation, but true).

2. He doesnt think you are capable of change. You have failed repeatedly in this area. He's given up on you ever changing. So, if telling you will hurt your feelings, and you arent "capable" of doing anything about it [in his eyes], then why would he possibly tell you?

[Dom R]

Okay- to not try to evade your question--....

but you did again
sounds like you're making the "i'm too busy to excercise" excuse?
You allude to "the bike not being on the wall", but I didnt see where you are actually committing to using it?

Last night we (just he and I) went to look at the private owner's car. On the way there he was being a turd and I called him out on it; so he started flirting. T

So.. more reinforcement on, "he likes it when you take charge, and be a "strong" woman.

Hopefully he noticed that the bike was no longer on the wall.

betcha he didnt. sorry. men are not observant about homes. hence how he can ignore the state of his own living space so easily.


It's nice to hear that he seems to be taking self-ownership of his lack of connecting to other people. Sounds like a really positive point of self-growth for him.
(hurray!)

He gave me some really nice kisses goodbye this morning when I dropped him off. And we have been spending a lot of time on the phone (and now IM'ing) about this car sitch. It's been quite pleasant.

So, if we were to summarize "what worked" over the last two days, seems to me like it was:

1. you were "strong"
2. you talked about "doing stuff together", rather than talking about "being together". (ie: no R talk!)

I'm glad your rollercoaster is on an up-swing again.
I hope you will batten down this excercise issue, to keep the momentum going for you both.
it'll also make you feel better. Never mind lack of endorphins during it... human bodies are generally happier when they are getting excercise, eh?

[Trixi]

I think the DD car sitch is going to be done today. Thank Goodness! The only "bummer" will be that H and I will no longer have a need to be in contact so much.

Last night I texted him to tell him DD loved the car and I was dropping off at the mechanics to be inspected.

At 2:54am, I got a text back saying "cool, hopefully it checks out and we can get it for a good price"
Me "Wow U R up late"
H "So r u"
Me "heh-touche'"

And then my phone rang. We talked for about 30 minutes. He was pretty drunk. He said he hadn't driven (thank God). He was shocked at how late it was. Wondered why I was awake. We went over some potential lyrics for a song. He was flirty. We talked a bit about how he always comes back. Ended up with plans for me to meet him tonight to see his co-worker play in a band. Whether he still wants that today (when he isn't under the influence and feeling shmoopy) is yet to be seen.

It's nice out today- I will take the bike out.

[Dom R]

It's nice out today- I will take the bike out.

That's a good thing, I think.

So now the question is: What would you have done, if it was raining all week?

And the followup question of course, is: when are you going to commit to regular excercise, and tell your husband?

If you take the attitude of "I'll tell him, when I feel good about excercising"... you would be taking the exact same road as your husband.
"I'll commit to our relationship... when i feel good about the future for it".

That is backwards reasoning.
Committing to it, and thus working on it, is what makes the future good.

[oldtimer]

Geez, Dom, you are starting to turn ME off exercise with this pressure and it isn't even directed toward me.



99, I wouldn't tell H about your exercise/health plans. If he is interested, he can ask. If you tell him, then it will just blast to him that you are still making everything about him. It is actually an intrustion and pressure and grasping.

Make your world about YOU.

[Trixi]

If it was raining, I probably would have gone to REI to get rain gear. As I said, this car thing with DD has really thrown me for a loop--at least it's coming to a close.

Regarding telling H--I don't know. I think it would be better for me to say "I'm so sore from working out" Or "Wow, these pants are so baggy-guess the (walking/biking/whatever) is working."

If he said "Yeah, I'm quitting smoking tomorrow", I wouldn't believe him. If I noticed he didn't smell like smoke for several days in a row and if he said "I haven't had a cigarette for 2 weeks"- THEN I would believe that it would stick.

WAAAAAY back, when I had the tough trainer, etc, I had made a deal with him-- I would do the program and he would quit smoking. He stopped smoking for a few weeks. I did the program for months. I think we BOTH of let ourselves and each other down when it comes to doing something that we don't like. I'm not saying it's right- just how it's been.

[Dom R]

Regarding telling H--I don't know. I think it would be better for me to say "I'm so sore from working out" Or "Wow, these pants are so baggy-guess the (walking/biking/whatever) is working."

Why do you think it would be better that way?

In some respects, i know that it "feels" to be counter to what many "recover your marriage" books say, about not announcing changes in yourself.

However...The thing about books is... they are potential methods and ways of doing things. They are not the end-all be-all of marriage recovery. If everyone's relationship worked *exactly* the same, then there would only need to be one book, and everyone would follow it, and there would be no divorce.

Your husband is acting quite differently than most of the "case studies" given in books, and also, differently than most of the spouses that people complain about here.

The big difference, is that he tells you, directly, things about you that bother him. For the most part, that is. It was unfortunate that he didnt tell you about the "toned body" thing, but I already explained a likely reason why he probably chose not to in that case.


He deals directly with you. He also likes it when you are direct, up front, "bold" with him, too.
That's why I think the usual rule of thumb, of, "dont tell leaving spouse about the changes you are making", does not need to be strictly applied to your situation.
That is also one of the reasons, why I think you should tell him directly.

More below:

WAAAAAY back, when I had the tough trainer, etc, I had made a deal with him-- I would do the program and he would quit smoking. He stopped smoking for a few weeks. I did the program for months. I think we BOTH of let ourselves and each other down when it comes to doing something that we don't like. I'm not saying it's right- just how it's been.

ok, I hear what you are saying. Both of you didnt pull your weight (so to speak. har har).
But... why are you bringing that up now?
Is a part of you, trying to talk yourself out of making a commitment, because you "failed before"?

I get the feeling that one reason you dont want to tell him, is that you are afraid of making the commitment. If you tell him. (or "us" here), then maybe it feels like an real commitment that you cant just give up on easily. Whereas at the moment, seems like you're not committed to do it. I say that, because you have avoided my question multiple times now, about "are you going to commit to regular excercise?"


It's your choice to make, of course. I cant tell you what to do. It's your marriage. I've stated what I think you should do, and why I think you should do it.
I'm still left wondering, what your actual choice is, though.

ARE you committed to regular excercise from now on? Or are you still just toying with it, and "seeing how it goes"?


PS: clarification: I'm not suggesting that you announce that you are doing this "for him". Rather, I'm only suggesting that you let him know, that you are planning to do regular excercise from now on, because you recognize that it is a benefit for you.
You might choose to challenge him to quit smoking again, but yet make it clear to him, that whether or not he chooses to, will not affect your commitment to excercise, for yourself.