Hey, Lin. Thanks again for grounding me. Part of me inside is spiraling out of control and spinning into my old emotions again. Admittedly it's still been hard because I don't trust him yet, but I just gave myself permission to feel that way for now, realizing that it was just going to take time and that I need to be patient with myself. As things continued to go so well and even get better and I believed that there was no further contact between them, I was starting to slowly, very very slowly, relax a little bit. Now this happens and I just don't know what to think or how to feel or how to react.
You're right; shame on me for living through this again. I just won't do it. It's not fair to either of us. I have been working so hard on the things he has requested, and I honestly feel like we have made such great strides. He promised to tell me if he did have any contact with her again. He has broken that promise, which hurts. I know he just doesn't want to hurt me, and maybe he figures this will be just short-term communication.
I do know who she is. I've only met her once before all of this happened. He just met her at the store that she works at. I purposely have made sure that I haven't seen her since. I don't remember very well what she looks like, and it's easier that way.
When I saw that her house was listed for sale, I did tell H about it. He didn't know that it was for sale (at least that's what he told me), but he did say that he had heard through someone else that she was moving to a different store - possibly out of state.
So I was feeling really good about getting further closure to this, and now this comes up. Maybe it's because she's moving that he felt the need to contact her and apologize for I guess the way they ended things? I might have been okay with that, but it bothers me that he's offering to see her. That's just not right, even as friends. It's too dangerous, and in my mind it's disrespecting me.
We went to look at a house this morning that may in fact be exactly what we are looking to buy for our personal residence. This may be a good opportunity for me to revisit things with him a bit and see if I can get a read on where his mind is at. I certainly do not want to buy a dream home with him to live in ourselves if there are going to be problems. I asked him if he was interested in the home, and he rubbed my hair and said that he loved me and that he wants to make me happy. It's so strange because everything is going so well between us. Maybe he just needs some closure with her because they never really formally ended things. But I'm just not comfortable with the exchanges they're having. It's too personal - it's leaning towards opening things up again rather than towards closure.
Let me know if this helps to shed any light on things... Thanks, Lin, for your advice.
