What do I do with her?

[Mike is Hurtin']

Hello everyone,

I'm new to the divorcebusting forums, and can't say that I'm thrilled about being here ... I guess none of us *want* to be here, right? I'll do my best with the abbreviations. :-)

W and I have been married for 8 years. We are your typical "DINK" couple (dual income no kids), with the various ups and downs one would expect in a marriage.

On September 11 W dropped the bomb - "I love you but I'm not in love with you", and all of that. She said she hadn't been happy for at least a few months (probably more like a year) - that we didn't seem like a "team", and she needed more. I had been feeling the same way too, deep down - I guess the feelings just hadn't come to the surface for me yet. W said that she wanted a separation.

I asked her if there was someone else. First she told me in no uncertain terms that there wasn't anyone else. Later in the conversation she admitted that she "liked someone", but that this person didn't know, and no action had been taken.

To quote her own words: "I want to figure 'us' out before I even think about anyone else."

We lived awkwardly under the same roof for about a month and started some marriage counseling. This didn't go very well - living under the same roof became extremely stressful and she felt that the marriage counseling "bashed" her too much.

After about three weeks I confronted her again, and got an admission; she had kissed another guy last June. She stressed that this was not the cause of the breakup; it just helped her understand what she had been feeling for some time before that. There was still nothing going on, according to her - the kiss was a one-time thing, and he's just "a friend".

The cell phone bills told another story. They had been spending *hours* on the phone since late June. Up until last week when she got her own separate cell phone line, this pattern continued pretty much uninterrupted. She also became very secretive about her email communication, and would minimize the window when I would walk in the room.

W moved into her own place on October 13. We are very civil and even courteous with one another, and there's been no explosive arguments or name calling.

I want to reconcile my marriage with my wife, but I don't know what to do with this "out of character" behavior of hers. I'm hardly perfect and have always been willing to admit my shortcomings, but I don't feel like she's even close to being able to open up and talk about things.

Looking forward to reading more from this group.

-- Mike

[Yoyowife]

Mike,
Welcome to our group. You'll find some wonderful people here.

Right now I think you are doing all that you can do. It sounds like you are being kind without pursuing. I think all you can do it get out and enjoy yourself and pursue your interests. Whatever is going on with her will just have to run its course. In the meantime get out and GAL.

[Ohio_Mark]

I don't have a lot of time to post (headed into a meeting), but here is a start:

Begin by purchasing The Divorce Rememdy. It's a quick read, and will give you a good foundation.

Do what Yoyo said. Occupy your mind and your time with other actvities. Meet new people, do different things.

Spend time here reading what others are doing. It's educational and theraputic.

I will post more later... need to run.

[Mike is Hurtin']

Thanks Yoyo. I am doing my best to GAL - I'm also trying to pay a lot of attention to my puppy dog; she's been a real "trooper" throughout this.

W and I went on a date last night. Extremely awkward to say the least, and I think I know what I need to do, which is to back off completely and let her work through things on her own time.

It's hard as hell ... that's all I can say.

-- Mike

[Mike is Hurtin']

Ohio: Already have a copy of Divorce Remedy in my bag ... I'm about 1/3 through it.

Thanks,
-- Mike

[saffie]

I don't have much to say in the way of advice at the moment Mike but just wanted to let you know we are reading and keeping up with you.

Ask some questions about areas you would like input into.

tell us how you are getting on with your W at the moment. How much contact you have. how it is going. Also how old are you both?

saffie

[Mike is Hurtin']

Saffie,

I'll do my best to explain the "dynamic" between us right now.

When W left, we agreed that we would remain kind to one another; it's important to both of us to remain friends. We also have two dogs (they are our "kids"); W has one of them and I have the other. We are both interested in being a part of both dogs' lives, so that precludes some degree of communication and involvement in each others' lives.

Since she moved out two weeks ago I have not called at all, except for one quick call about an important piece of mail she received at the house. My modus operandi has been to let her approach me, since she was the one who kept going on about "needing her space".

The calls we have had have been civil, courteous and even a shade friendly, although I can tell that we're both finding it extremely awkward to talk at this point. Our standing agreement is that we will not come to each others' place of residence without calling first; her last visit to the house was last weekend to pick up some things she had left behind.

The visit to the house lasted about an hour. We actually had some nice light moments when she was over - laughing about old stuff we had kept throughout the years, or trying to figure out how to divide the CD and DVD collection ... it's funny how thousands of dollars of furniture can get split up in a few minutes, but a $12 DVD can cause some real debate! But, we didn't let anything escalate beyond a raised eyebrow, and made sure that we kept things in perspective.

We had a "date night" last night - I took her to a service awards night at her work. This was really hard - we were both on our best behavior, but I could tell that she was distracted and fidgety. After I dropped her off and had a few minutes of cuddle time with my other dog we hugged really awkwardly; I didn't feel like she even wanted to be in the same room as me.

I have no idea what's the status of W and her OG, and I don't know if that's the source of the distraction, or if it's just feeling uncertain about "us".

I guess my question is how much space to give a spouse in this situation. In truth, I don't really have a lot of choice; she's made it clear that she needs her space and that I need to trust her. I think it's a bit lofty to put the ball in my court when she's admitted to cheating, but I'm also very new to this and learning as I go.

So, I'm right to just focus on my own life right now and not worry about what's happening with her?

-- Mike

[Larrynarry]

Unfortunately, that's all you can do. By trying to figure her out, you'll just go mad.

What are some things about you you'd like to change? Work out.. quit smoking.. what are some fun things you used to do but haven't in a while?

Those are the things you need to do. Make you a better you.

[Mike is Hurtin']

Jarhead: I have lost 22 pounds as a result of this (which isn't bad, since I had about that much to lose). I joined an indoor climbing gym and am working hard to get into better shape ... so that's one thing I'm getting back into.

"Make you a better you". That's going to be my new motto. Thanks.

-- Mike

[Ohio_Mark]

So, I'm right to just focus on my own life right now and not worry about what's happening with her?

Yes yes yes yes yes. You are doing the right thing. Do not focus on her. She's gonna do what she's gonna do, and it's all out of your control anyway.

Good job with the weight loss. Based on what you have written, I have nothing more to add. You are doing a great job.