OT - Well, I don't actually think I'm being naive - after 25 years, I actually know H pretty darn well. His modus operandi is as follows: - He really feeds on being seen as the "good guy", likes to be helpful - He's an extrovert who needs lots of people contact and loves meeting new people - I think he goes quite innocently into some situations, then that dopamine "drug" of flirtation starts drawing him in. (He's NOT, btw, a flirtatious guy normally ie doesn't flirt or behave badly around other women. It's only when he's depressed and someone attractive stirs up that dopamine craving.) - I think initially his first coffee with her was quite innocent, he ran into her surfing and she started to tell her tale of woe to him. He likes to be seen as a good shoulder to cry on and a source of sage relationship advice! - I think he truly took my words to heart at first and cut off contact with her - from the emails it seems her calling him was out-of-the blue and unexpected. I think it just came at a time when he was feeling particularly down, and the "lift" that it gave him started working on his reptilian brain. - She seemed not so much to be shooting him down as oblivious and not taking the bait - this I actually find reassuring. (Still think it's a dangerous situation in which feelings could develop, but at least she doesn't seem to be on the prowl in any serious way.) - I'm sure H was telling himself that lunch with her didn't "count"; she was just a friend, and pregnant for pete's sake, and therefore "safe". I DON'T actually think he was consciously pursuing her; I think that SUBconsciously the lure of that good feeling was pulling him along and causing him to lie to himself. - I don't think H would fess up now because he wouldn't want to face the consequences of how I'd feel about it. And in his mind, it probably seems quite minor - kind of like looking at a piece of cake, starting to reach for it, thinking "no, what am I doing,I'm on a diet" and pulling your hand back. - I have snooped in the past when I didn't have any funny feelings, and never found anything. I think my instincts are pretty honed now - I think I found something precisely BECAUSE my instincts were telling me something was off.
H is actually much improved since I got home - possibly because of waking up from this, possibly because of stopping a medication I didn't think was good for him.
