Got an email from H re scheduling, saying don't worry about it, take all the time you want. Sounded very defeated and possibly irritated. I wrote back that I'm happy to work with him on the schedule, just please let me know so I can arrange a sitter if I need to, and told him to let me know if I can do anything else to help.
He said he's stressed out about the place, etc, and I empathized and said not to worry about rushing because of me.
He wrote back but called before I read his response. He apologized again for being so distant, said he appreciated my telling him not to rush on my account but that he's more worried about the kids asking questions before he's ready to leave (the C told him to get going fast before they ask).
I asked if he thought it might help stave off questions if he didn't appear so down at home. He said maybe, but it's hard. He's contacted his old C again to set up weekly appointments, because the biweekly hanging with friends isn't doing it for him. He's also not sure his medication is at the right dosage right now.
He admitted that he's down, he's got a very NMA right now and can't seem to pull himself out of it. Finding an apartment that will allow him to have a dog is proving difficult, and he thinks he'll "need a canine companion."
So anyway, H is seriously down. This reminds me of our M before he was on antidepressants, and it's no fun.
I'm trying to balance helping where I can, being sympathetic, and still having fun for me.
Got a message from the guy last night asking me to join him and friends for some kickball (!) on Sunday, said to think of it as "regression in defense of the ego." That might not sound like sweet talk to any of you, but man, throw theory at me and I'm putty in your hands! He mentioned Foucault and Said the other night, and I swooned.
I haven't responded yet. I've been thinking about this, and I've realized that my thought patterns re this guy aren't what I'd like. Like Nomo said, I need to focus on me, and wondering what someone thinks of me isn't where I want to be right now.
If I do go, I want it to be with the attitude that I just want to have fun with a fun bunch of folks, be myself and not worry about what they think of me, and enjoy. If I think I can do that, I'll go. And actually, since what he's proposing is pretty far out of my comfort zone, I may go and give it a shot.
And re being ready to date, for me right now it's not about where I am re H but where I am re me. I still have a ways to go there.
