Hardly faking it anymore: Puddle's third thread

[S.T. _I Made It!]

"OMG of course he's interested Puddle!"

UH DUH!

[Puddle]

Hey everyone,

I'm still not convinced, but it was definitely a nicer thing to hear than "I don't want to be with you"!

And by the way, that conversation that he wanted to get back to? I asked, and it apparently wasn't the one about whether or not it's okay to sleep with someone who's married, but rather the one where I claimed never to notice anyone interested in me because I was so very, very married. It just didn't register. He laughed and said, "And you were so serious about it!"

I had a hard time figuring out how to respond to the text, so said something like, wow, that was really lovely and very flattering, thank you. Haven't heard anything since.

How am I doing? Okay. I'm a little irritated with H and his scheduling. Today he said he's not coming home (which I already knew), that he had open houses from 5 to 8. I said, "Oh, so you'll be home after that?" thinking I might go out. He said, no, he wasn't planning to be.

I said, well, maybe tomorrow night I could do something, and he said he had a place to see at 6, and after that he didn't know what his plans were. Hello? I just said, well, if it's one place at 6 it sounds like you could make it home early enough for me to have some time. So we'll see.

And I left my brand-new, $650 camera at the park today, praying one of our group picked it up after I left. That bites.

But in general, okay. Even after all our talks, H speaks so little and relatively coolly to me, and it brings me down sometimes. Good reason to speak little to H. I'm hoping he finds something soon.

Note to self: spend more time with people who seem to like being with me and less thinking about H and how he doesn't.

Take care.

[SunnySeason]

Evening Puddle,

I'm still not convinced, but it was definitely a nicer thing to hear than "I don't want to be with you"!

Isn't that so true! You might think that since your H has made it so well known that he doesn't want to be with you, that he'd be a little more charming. I guess it doesn't work that way.

I had a hard time figuring out how to respond to the text, so said something like, wow, that was really lovely and very flattering, thank you. Haven't heard anything since.

That is so funny. Men can be tricky to figure out...or maybe so simple that the meaning is easily missed.

And I left my brand-new, $650 camera at the park today, praying one of our group picked it up after I left. That bites

I read somewhere, that it takes 3 days to get over losing something, having something stolen, etc. & found it to be pretty true. I hope someone has it in safe keeping for you.

Note to self: spend more time with people who seem to like being with me and less thinking about H and how he doesn't

Great thought! It does really help.

L&L,

Sunny

[S.T. _I Made It!]

that does suck about the camera. I did the same thing a couple years ago, but it was more like 200. I'd be in BIG trouble if it was 600!

yes, definitely stop thinking about how H doesn't want to be with you. I remember doing that myself, and I know it's hard, but your idea to spend more time with people who do, is a great idea.

and what about just hiring a sitter when you want to do something? Why always leave it up to H whether or not you can do something or not? I know it's tough to leave the kids with a sitter, but if you have good friends that have good referrals, that can definitely help. Or some churches even do a moms night out sometimes.

[Puddle]

Hey Sunny!

I've been thinking of you. Thanks for writing.

That is so funny. Men can be tricky to figure out...or maybe so simple that the meaning is easily missed.

Ha! My sister just sent me a list of silly jokes about men and women, and one was something like, Adam says to Eve, "How can you be so beautiful and so stupid at the same time?" and she says, "God made me beautiful so you'd fall in love with me and stupid so I'd fall in love with you."

Part of me is wondering whether that email was a prod regarding that conversation: You'd pretty much have to hit me over the head and drag me back to your cave for me to get that you're interested. And that club was just not big enough.

I hope someone has it in safe keeping for you.

My sister has it, thank goodness! I was already imagining having to tell H...

Hey ST! Yeah, I wrote H an email regarding scheduling, asking what his looks like next week. I suggested if he needs extra time "we" think about hiring a sitter. I had a sitter the other night when I went out---on my night to go out, when it turned out H was having drinks and watching a movie instead of doing apartment stuff. And I'll do it again if I have to. We have a couple good ones.

Thinking about getting in touch with the guy again. Are there rules about these things?

Take care.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I don't know about rules, but just be careful. it is VERY easy to be vulnerable in this type of scenerio and it is darn well exciting to let things evolve, so just make sure your doing things for the right reasons.

I'm glad to hear you already have a sitter. I know it sucks that he's not being exactly as responsible as he should, but it's probably good for him to have time to go out too... unless it's something he totally takes advantage of, but it didn't sound like he had in the past that I could remember.

[Puddle]

Hey all,

Got an email from H re scheduling, saying don't worry about it, take all the time you want. Sounded very defeated and possibly irritated. I wrote back that I'm happy to work with him on the schedule, just please let me know so I can arrange a sitter if I need to, and told him to let me know if I can do anything else to help.

He said he's stressed out about the place, etc, and I empathized and said not to worry about rushing because of me.

He wrote back but called before I read his response. He apologized again for being so distant, said he appreciated my telling him not to rush on my account but that he's more worried about the kids asking questions before he's ready to leave (the C told him to get going fast before they ask).

I asked if he thought it might help stave off questions if he didn't appear so down at home. He said maybe, but it's hard. He's contacted his old C again to set up weekly appointments, because the biweekly hanging with friends isn't doing it for him. He's also not sure his medication is at the right dosage right now.

He admitted that he's down, he's got a very NMA right now and can't seem to pull himself out of it. Finding an apartment that will allow him to have a dog is proving difficult, and he thinks he'll "need a canine companion."

So anyway, H is seriously down. This reminds me of our M before he was on antidepressants, and it's no fun.

I'm trying to balance helping where I can, being sympathetic, and still having fun for me.

Got a message from the guy last night asking me to join him and friends for some kickball (!) on Sunday, said to think of it as "regression in defense of the ego." That might not sound like sweet talk to any of you, but man, throw theory at me and I'm putty in your hands! He mentioned Foucault and Said the other night, and I swooned.

I haven't responded yet. I've been thinking about this, and I've realized that my thought patterns re this guy aren't what I'd like. Like Nomo said, I need to focus on me, and wondering what someone thinks of me isn't where I want to be right now.

If I do go, I want it to be with the attitude that I just want to have fun with a fun bunch of folks, be myself and not worry about what they think of me, and enjoy. If I think I can do that, I'll go. And actually, since what he's proposing is pretty far out of my comfort zone, I may go and give it a shot.

And re being ready to date, for me right now it's not about where I am re H but where I am re me. I still have a ways to go there.

Any and all thoughts and advice welcome. Thanks.

Take care.

[Heimlich]

Your H is in a bad mental place it sounds like. Just a shame he won't turn towards you to work through it together. As smart as the two of you are, you'd think it'd be obvious to him. From what I can recall, he's leaned on you a lot in the past. In the past month or so, you've been more open with your emotions with him while also somewhat withdrawing that emotional support he's had for a while. Could that be throwing him off?

Well, it is what it is.

If you're not ready to "date" someone, don't. Sounds like, right now, you could get this guy into the friend zone and he'd be OK with that. Friends that are 6'4", invite you to play kickball, and spout off about Foucoult (sp?) are pretty rare.

Go play some kickball. Sounds like fun. Do earth mothers (or whatever he called you) play kickball?

BD

[Puddle]

Hey Heim!

Good to hear from you. Things are awful quiet over on your thread...

Just a shame he won't turn towards you to work through it together.

You know, when I read this I thought, "Yikes!" Not sure how I'd do if he did. I think I could be calm and distant, but I have the sense the distant part wouldn't do anything for him right now. Actually his call surprised me in its openness, but what I felt was sorry for him instead of the "honey, we can work this out together" I've felt in the past. I'm not sure how much of a help I could be to him right now.

smart as the two of you are, you'd think it'd be obvious to him.

I think he's painfully aware that the sitch right now calls for him to deal with things himself. Not sure he wants much of my help, which is why I occasionally offer it and drop it instead of talking possible solutions with him (which, come to think of it, is the best way to go in most Rs, regardless).

From what I can recall, he's leaned on you a lot in the past.

That's interesting. Right now I'd say, looking back, he hasn't leaned on me a lot. We've had such a yin-yang thing going for so long---he's up, I'm down; he's down, I'm up---but I don't think either of us has said often enough, "You know, I'm scared/having trouble...."

In the past month or so, you've been more open with your emotions with him while also somewhat withdrawing that emotional support he's had for a while. Could that be throwing him off?

I think he might be surprised at how much trouble he's having, but that's just a guess. He's showing me more vulnerability in the last few weeks (between a lot of cool distance) than he ever has in our entire R, which is funny, considering that at the same time he's been more take-charge, and has professed less concern than ever about what anyone thinks of anything.

But maybe you're right. You know, my goal has always been emotional vulnerability combined with great strength. Now I feel like I'm working hard to reach that place, and H just seems like he's stuck. I wouldn't assume that he sees where I am (and I certainly haven't told him specifically what I'm working toward), but maybe he does get some of it.

I admitted to a friend the other day that as unpleasant as H is sometimes these days, his being down gives me a sense of power. It's so much easier to be up when the person on the other end of the rope is down. If and when he gets it together and moves to a happier place, I need to be comfortable enough in my own skin not to take the usual downside. And that's what I'm working on.

Sounds like, right now, you could get this guy into the friend zone and he'd be OK with that.

Yeah, I think he'd be totally comfortable with that, and so would I.

Friends that are 6'4", invite you to play kickball, and spout off about Foucoult (sp?) are pretty rare.

Actually, turns out he's 6' (I heard "four" instead of "foot," much to my chagrin. H is also 6'.) But kickball (what the hell is that, anyway?) sounds silly enough, and anyone who knows their Foucault and Said is okay in my book.

Go play some kickball. Sounds like fun. Do earth mothers (or whatever he called you) play kickball?

LOL! That cracked me up! Yeah, "earth mother" is what I heard when he said "folk rock diva," too, which is why I asked for clarification. Unshaven, bra-less women running up and down a field does not sound sexy to me. But hey, maybe it does to him.

I got the day off from H and the kids; we'll see what happens.

It's weird to get an invitation like that and realize the person extending it has no constraints other than whether or not they feel like going. I remember those days.

And I have a message out to my wonderful blond friend asking if she's up for something tonight, since H said he'll be home.

I had a moment of clarity the other day re the hangout. I was asking myself, "What do *I* want there?" and I realized I don't want to go back to the full-blown integration there. I really, truly like these people, but it all centers around sitting around drinking and smoking, and at the end there (pre-bomb) I realized I was turning into a vegetable there, despite the fun, often interesting conversation and good vibe.

So what I think I want to do is make an appearance or two---to practice some humility and good PMA despite what anyone's thinking and to be gracious and have some fun---but I don't want to fully go back. That's not the life I want to build for myself, and I think I'll feel good leaving them to it.

Take care.

[Heimlich]

And I have a message out to my wonderful blond friend asking if she's up for something tonight

Gotta find that vintage shirt.

Originally Posted By: Heimlich
Just a shame he won't turn towards you to work through it together.


You know, when I read this I thought, "Yikes!" Not sure how I'd do if he did. I think I could be calm and distant, but I have the sense the distant part wouldn't do anything for him right now. Actually his call surprised me in its openness, but what I felt was sorry for him instead of the "honey, we can work this out together" I've felt in the past. I'm not sure how much of a help I could be to him right now.

I meant regarding the marriage, not just helping him through his issues. In some ways, I'm reminded of me and the W, we were connected for a good long while, then kindasorta for a bit, but just kept missing each other and then that got worse and worse. Sounds like you two have been missing each other (connection wise) for a while. Thing is, from here it sounds like there's a lot of friendship, which if you focused on it, could probably create that spark that you want and your H is so desperately searching for.

That said, doesn't matter cuz your hubby don't care. So, you sound really, really good. One thing strikes me though, don't put up walls uneccessarily:

You know, my goal has always been emotional vulnerability combined with great strength.

That's a great goal. Takes great strength to be emotionally vulnerable. Working on that one myself.

Unshaven, bra-less women running

How unshaven?

but it all centers around sitting around drinking and smoking, and at the end there (pre-bomb) I realized I was turning into a vegetable there, despite the fun, often interesting conversation and good vibe.

I have this image of a bunch of really smart people sitting on comfy couches, taking drags on cigarrettes while saying in faux french accents, "I am so bored." and "Camus was a poseur." And "Foucalt. He's just fou."

Have a good weekend. Hang in there.

Oh, and about the walls comment earlier, my point -- I did have one -- what happens if your H does start reaching out to you?

BD