What do I do with her?

[Mike is Hurtin']

Hello everyone,

I'm new to the divorcebusting forums, and can't say that I'm thrilled about being here ... I guess none of us *want* to be here, right? I'll do my best with the abbreviations. :-)

W and I have been married for 8 years. We are your typical "DINK" couple (dual income no kids), with the various ups and downs one would expect in a marriage.

On September 11 W dropped the bomb - "I love you but I'm not in love with you", and all of that. She said she hadn't been happy for at least a few months (probably more like a year) - that we didn't seem like a "team", and she needed more. I had been feeling the same way too, deep down - I guess the feelings just hadn't come to the surface for me yet. W said that she wanted a separation.

I asked her if there was someone else. First she told me in no uncertain terms that there wasn't anyone else. Later in the conversation she admitted that she "liked someone", but that this person didn't know, and no action had been taken.

To quote her own words: "I want to figure 'us' out before I even think about anyone else."

We lived awkwardly under the same roof for about a month and started some marriage counseling. This didn't go very well - living under the same roof became extremely stressful and she felt that the marriage counseling "bashed" her too much.

After about three weeks I confronted her again, and got an admission; she had kissed another guy last June. She stressed that this was not the cause of the breakup; it just helped her understand what she had been feeling for some time before that. There was still nothing going on, according to her - the kiss was a one-time thing, and he's just "a friend".

The cell phone bills told another story. They had been spending *hours* on the phone since late June. Up until last week when she got her own separate cell phone line, this pattern continued pretty much uninterrupted. She also became very secretive about her email communication, and would minimize the window when I would walk in the room.

W moved into her own place on October 13. We are very civil and even courteous with one another, and there's been no explosive arguments or name calling.

I want to reconcile my marriage with my wife, but I don't know what to do with this "out of character" behavior of hers. I'm hardly perfect and have always been willing to admit my shortcomings, but I don't feel like she's even close to being able to open up and talk about things.

Looking forward to reading more from this group.

-- Mike