Help me thru this sitch

[Pudmuddle]

Ok well, I've posted feedback in other forums/topics and no one responds to my posts...in fact they skip over me and respiond to the next person (Yes, I'm feeling rejected, )Sooooo, I'll just stay here in my little topic, LOL.

So today, H mentions to me that it is my nieces bday on Sat and would my S want to go to the party and then spend the night...so he has figured out a way to get the all-nighter with the OW...I couldn't reply to that one, still takes me by surprise.

Then this morning he is emailing me at first talking about picking our son up tonight, then he changes it to what my niece wants for her bday as if he expects me to go pick it up. He didn't even come out and ask me to do that in the email, but since I have always done this in the past, i think he now EXPECTS me to do it. Should I not do it? OR should I just say oh, well you didn't ask me directly to do it, so I assumed you had already gotten it? It justs eats at me that he still expects things to be so normal, and yet not talk about any normalcy with ME. urrrrrrrgh.>:(

[Heimlich]

Ok well, I've posted feedback in other forums/topics and no one responds to my posts...

Sometimes takes a while to get some traction. Be patient. As you type more, folks will respond as they see something they think they can respond to. Sometimes, you just got nothin' to say, you know? Plus, you'll find that you can't keep track of everyone -- it's 1) depressing and 2) impossible. You'll settle in with a loose group of folks and drop in from time to time on others.

You've been on this cycle a few times. You've got to decide if you think you and your H can get off of it. I found it helpful to read DR once or twice along with a variety of other R books. Drop me a line and I'll be happy to share some ebooks with you: [e-mail]. I find that they're mutually reinforcing.

Regarding the bday toy, why not just send him an email asking HIM what HE'S going to get for her, with a few suggestions. Puts the ball back in his court. If he then asks, go ahead and do it. No need to make your niece suffer because of your sitch.

BD

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Heim,

Thanks. Patience is NOT one of my strongest virtues, and I am working on that. I have shown my alien childlike husband more patience in the last two weeks than I have in 4 years and it feels good to be calm. I do repeatedly read the DR book, especially when feeling low and it does help. I'll do that again tonight.

Btw, I have been reading your posts because I enjoy your insight and sense of sarcastic humor - something I have too. You have really grown since the first posts and it was wonderful reading how we CAN change for the good of ourselves and seeing it in action. I will definitely email you soon and get some extra help.

You're right, I should not make someone else suffer because of my fears. I'll try what you suggest and see what happens.

[Pudmuddle]

Ok, so, I sent him the email that said "I'm assuming you were picking up this gift card?" And I get back "I will."

Oh well, I can't speculate on how that made him feel. I'm over it.

[Pudmuddle]

I just had a light bulb go on in my head...He is an "acts of service" LL (and also words of affirmation)and just like with this bday thing, he didn't directly ASK me to do it, but more like was expecting me to do it. Also, there was a security scare near my S's school and he sent me the news link, so I send back "did you call to check?" so again I dismissed some acts of service I could have done. Is that an act of service or him trying to test me?? I was trying to figure out if it was our son in trouble why did he not just take the initiative to call right then and there instead of sending me the link??? Fortunately it was at the high school and my son is at the charter school nearby, but STILL. Or am I reading too much into these scenarios, trying to overanalyze him?

Ow. my head hurts now. I did call his school anyway just for my own comfort, but I feel like I am trying to read something into everything now.

[Pudmuddle]

Well, here is today's journal. He seems to be in a better mood around me, talking more about work stuff and stuff we need to work on the house to sell it and unclutter our lives with junk. That still makes me edgy as it seems he is still moving forward with his goal to separate. I can't tell if he is happy because of the changes in me, or because of his impending date this weekend with OW.

I made dinner in a crockpot, which I hope to him was an "act of service". I did it because I wanted to and I wanted to see if an AOS would tickle his love language. Then we talked after dinner just about work/house stuff. He asked me about the Halloween party I am going to by myself and what I was going to wear. curious? not sure. He seems to be more comfortable asking me to do things or talking in general with me because I now do not react immediately or get defensive.

Later when he came into my room to get some extra laundry, I asked him "Would you consider reading a book?" and he said "which one?" and I showed him the 5 Love Languages book, and he said "Sure, I guess" and kind of flipped it back on the bed at me. So after I was done rereading certain chapters, I went and put it on his bedside table, he wasn't in his room.

I was delighted in my heart to see that he was willing to read the book! Especially since he really never has been a reader. But I did not get overly ecstatic or joyful, just played it cool. Then this morning he seemed to be in a really good mood, joking around with me and happy. So I am still not sure if he is really trying for us yet, or if he thinks he is getting his way with the OW and with me at this point. However, I remind myself to take the small positive steps for what they are.

This morning I noticed that the book was no longer on his nightstand, so it's good that he at least touched it! LOL

I think he thinks too that if we are not talking about our R that things must be ok. Normally I am always the one to initiate R talks because something is bothering me or I can tell if it is bothering him. So it is hard to wait for him to want to open up about anything! I need quality conversation!!!!!!!! Does he think that I no longer care because I am not spewing words and feelings at him anymore?? Will he eventually open up and tell me what he wants? Or will we just live like this forever, together but separate. Ugh. Someone slap me some patience.

[Pudmuddle]

<singing> People...people who need people.

Just singing while waiting for people to respond. LOL. Part of my patience practice.

Btw, I found a theme song for DB. If anyone remembers(yes I'm showing my age here) Lou Gramm's "Midnight Blue". The words are a most positive affirmation for me, instead of listening to lonely love songs that make me sad.

Another observation about how nice this forum is...it seems like such a small world when so many people are going through exactly the same thing and it encourages me more to keep sticking with this and remain positive.

Onward and Upward, Joan

[Pudmuddle]

well, he just texted me and asked if I was going to Happy Hour tonight...I took 2 hours to answer and then texted back"Not sure yet. why?"

So he calls me right then and says"well if you're going out you're going out, but I was just going to do some maintenance work on the truck" (which I am driving). I said"I'm not sure yet, but I'll let you know".

Is there a positive to this? or was it just small talk? Or was he trying to see if I was going out with anyone and having fun? Is he back to his controlling ways or still just unsure of trusting me as well?

I feel like I am so suspicious of anything he does because I can't believe any of it right now...is that normal?

Sigh.

[Pudmuddle]

Hmmm...I just had another revelation while sitting here thinking of what he had just offered me by saying he wanted to do maintenance on my truck...he is a true Acts of Service Love Language man!!! And he has always been that way, bringing me coffee, painting my office while I was away, keeping up with all the housework and my son while I was in school!! Wow, I never realized that...But those things are not my love language so they never came to me as love symbols. I feel so enlightened now, what a concept. A 'Eureka!' moment. So in his own way he is now offering his love in a way I hadn't thought of before.

Hopefully he is reading the LL book and can soon try to want to talk about my LL. My head feels light now!

I feel like now that I should not go to happy hour and go home so he can pull LOVE maintenance on my truck. LOL

What do you all think??

[Pudmuddle]

I am feeling so very sad right now. My husband was sitting on the couch eating dinner and I was across on the other side of the couch, and all i could do was sit there and stare at him(without him knowing)and wonder how he could be so happy. He has the OW and is going out with her tomorrow, I'm pretty sure, haven't asked and yet he still tries to treat me like nothing is going on, and everything is normal. How do men do that? He seems to be so ok that he is going out...I didn't say anything and haven't let him know I am sad. I feel like that would make him run further, which it would. I feel like crying my eyes out. Maybe I'll go take a shower and cry in the shower... I so want to hug him and have things be alright. Dang.