"Am I capable of not behaving like a toddler monkey or does the prospect of actually behaving like some sort of mature 42 year old woman who might say something like "A surprise, how pleasant. I shall calmly look forward to its revelation on Saturday." (as she looks up from her needlework or something like that )
LOL! MJ, your writing cracks me up. You REALLy should be doing NaNoWriMo this year - check it out: http://www.nanowrimo.org
[quote=Lillieperl You have to save yourself. [/quote]
I think this is the key statement. When you find yourself starting to go under, to me, that's the point to get out. And I get your part about not necessarily leaving physically, but sometimes you have to do that too. Relationships help to teach ourselves about our limits, among other things.
And my point is that it can call for courage to save yourself instead of throwing yourself on the altar, especially when immolating yourself won't save the other person.
You are just going through the post D process. I did this exact same mulling over the "did I really do the right thing" with endless permutations, still do occasionally. The problem is you made the decision, so you are shouldering the guilt. I think you did the best thing for your kids, stayed until they were older and then took back control of your life. Which is what it's all about. I felt like I was suppressing my identity in my prior marriage, I couldn't go on so I left. I don't hink I could have stayed true to my self, kind of hard to explain and I wonder if anyone understands this. It would have sounded a lot better if I said my ex was a crack ho or something.
Mojo, To be clear is this the right interpretation?? I really don't see his "mental issue" problems (depression and/or whatever) as the main problem. I see his selfishness, childlike behavior, inability to be a stable financial figure, cruelness, insensitivity, anger, not being a true father figure to his kids, etc. as his problem. This additional issues of depression or whatever were things you felt badly for and the reason why you excused his p!ss-poor behavior as a father and husband. At least that's how I see it.
Well, let's not neglect the fact that I was also quite sexually attracted to the man for reasons that were valid yet not "good". That's why I describe him as candy with razor bits.
Quote:
Your 2bx's behavior after the breakup certainly clinched it for me!!
Isn't it kind of interesting that I was actually surprised about how happy I would be once he left and how badly he would behave once he knew it was really over? I guess I had a lot of self-doubt.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Thanks. I used to be a rather self-conscious blocked writer but I think one of the benefits of middle-age is a certain WTF attitude that develops as you find yourself crawling out of yet another rut, fox hole or cess pool.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quite honestly, I am GLAD your 2bx is with another person (sorry for her, though). It WILL allow you to BE angry, something I'm sure you have not allowed yourself to be for YEARS. Part of my catharsis, beyond me having the 'guilt' of being the one to leave, is that I have... bit by bit, allowed myself to be angry, bitter, hurt, depressed, stressed... and HAPPY. Joyful. Excited. The whole range of the gamut.
As my shrink pounds on me... divorce... especially long-term Ms, are like a death. The emotions you have regarding it do not, and are often not... RATIONAL. But they are THERE. Ignoring them, or talking yourself OUT of them (because you are the one who left), doesn't matter. The EMOTIONS matter. Try not to stuff them, even if you can't figure them out.
Just from personal experience, dear.
As for the surprise thingy... if you were anything other than a TODDLER MONKEY... I doubt GF would be so enamored of you. Be you. Be honest. If he has to do the JENNIFER thing, fine. But... screw it. You are Who You Are. Jesus. When's the LAST TIME someone planned a surprise for you?
Toddle monkey to your heart's content. When you get a bit used to it, the Swan can come out and be calm.
(Mojo) ...the man had the nerve to "JENNIFER" me. Sadly, I must admit that it worked.
GP and blackfoot...separated at birth?
Yikes! - lol.
Different men, similar philosophy/code. I would say that both of them would never not spank a monkey but their motivations and attitude would vary quite a bit. GP "Jennifer"-ed me for reasons having to do with his earliest training. It's pretty much reflexive for him. However, he is really a very sweet man so it actually makes him sad to behave in that manner although he believes it is necessary due to his man code. So I end up feeling bad if I play him too monkey for the same reason I would have felt bad if I had sassed my Grandma who always treated me like her special pet.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
The problem is you made the decision, so you are shouldering the guilt.
This reminded me of something I remember hearing in a graduate class in Marriage and Family Counseling almost 30 years ago: post-break-up, the dumpER usually struggles with guilt and the dumpEE usually struggles with self-esteem.
