Lets try thing again!!!!

[sandi2]

You are probably right about needing the rest from all the drama. I know in a sense that his problems are your problems also.....especially when they affect you, but what concerns me a lot is that you are doubting yourself in this situation. I want you to know that he is the one that has messed up, Limbo, and he is the one with the women problems and trying to find himself and trying to go back in time to recapture his youth or whatever the heck it is he is trying to do. It is not you that has these issues....it is your H.

You asked how we could help him, but until he sees that he is WRONG and that he truly needs [u]HELP[/u, nobody will be able to do anything. That is the first step....he must face the truth and what he has done wrong and he does, in fact, need a lot of help right now. I don't think you are going to be able to do very much at all until he ownes up to that much. We can't make people do certain things in life......that was a hard fact for me to learn myself. We have to step back--and sometimes completely away from them for them to learn for themselves. Believe me, it is hard for those of us who are "fixers". I always wanted to "fix" my H and my kids and my grandchildren. But, I can't fix them, they have to do it.

Right now you are really scared. Your entire life seems to be balancing on this small thin line of which way your H may fall. Will he do the right thing or the wrong. That seems very unfair to you. I can tell how badly that you want to stay with him b/c you won't turn to friends that said, "I told you so", and a certain amount of pride is involved.......I understand that. But, I don't think you can handle this alone right now. You need support, sweetie. We are here at all times, but you need somebody that can physically put their arms around you and just hold you. Every human being has to have that at times in their lives. I am so concerned for you and all this hurt you are enduring. You are going to crash if you don't take care of yourself. I think you need to get away for a few days to regoup and rest. You have taken a bad emotional beating and you need time to rest and some self healing. He may need space, but so do you! You are taking blame for things that are not entirely your fault. Don't listen to him or anyone else that tries to make you believe that you are responsibile for his action. We are the owner of our actions. I would like to blame my medication or my H for my EA, but when it comes down to the bottom line.....I am responsible for it and nobody else.

Another thing is that as much as we would like to have everything solved in a matter of a few days, often times there are some issues that just can't be taken care of that quickly. Yes, he can stop making contact with other women, but the reason behind him making those contacts probably won't be healed that quickly. He needs to know why he is doing this and be willing to do whatever he needs to do to stop it. Sure, he is unhappy....but so are you! He is too self centered right now to see anything but his own unhappiness......or to care, I should say. I know, sweetie, I've been there. We get so messed up that we don't have good sense. We are willing to risk everything just to fill good again. I shudder to think what I was willing to risk! That is where he is right now. You have to decide if you can ride the storm out. It will take a lot of strength and you sure need support. Depending on if he is willing to get help or not will determine how long the storm will last or even if he will stay in the M. I think you must decide on what your steps will be based on his actions. You need a plan of action. Have you talked to any of the DB counselors? Do you have a Pastor or Priest, or somebody that you trust that could talk to you on short notice? I think you need somebody now.....not weeks away.

We are here on the board for you, but for the most part, we are not professionals. Most of us can give you our "take" based on years of wisdom (another nice word for "age")or on personal experience.

Please stay in close contact with us b/c we all are very concerned for you. We care a lot. As I've said, this board is what saved me from walking away from almost 42 years of M, but then I was not going through what you are. I don't think I am the kind of person that could put up with what you have, so that tells me that you must be pretty special. However, we don't have to continue to put up with that treatment.....life is too short and it kills our self esteem, so the decision is up to you.

Let us hear from you soon. Take care.