so he is telling me this why? because this woman (I'll call her 'Loopy') is threatening to "f*ck him over" and ring his wife and tell her everything. so being the nice guy that he is, he is ringing me to forewarn me in case she does call.
I don't know if you want to hear this or if I should say this, but when I read this, I had a flashback.
You probably have not read my whole situation, but I am the daughter of a MLCer (I know, lucky me - I have been through this fun twice). My dad's girlfriend made the same threat to my dad and my dad called my mom and warned her. At that time, my mother did not know about the OW (I did). The OW carried out the threat and did call my mom. It was ugly.
CMC, honey - please don't excuse away any of this with your H. You really have no idea what he is doing, what he is thinking, etc. You don't know what his relationship is with anyone right now. It may be nothing, but in all honesty, it may be something. Please don't be blind to something because you don't want it to be true.
As far as the concert, why would you consider taking him? You really answered your own question. You don't really want him to go, so why invite him. You also said that you want out - so why continue any kind of R with him, except what you need to have with your D?
Don't overthink it. If you don't want him to go, make plans with someone else. If he is hurt/angry/crushed or whatever, that is his problem, not yours. I know he is a person who is hurting as well, but you really need to focus on yourself now...and your D. From the little bit that I have read - you have focused a great deal on him in the past, even before all of this started. It is time to shift that focus and detach from him. It can be done, even with a D.
And, where do you get off calling yourself damaged goods? Why in the world do you think that you're damaged? Who has convinced you of this?
It takes strength and courage to deal with a spouse who leaves. It takes strength and courage to continue mothering a child who is probably hurting as a result of her parent leaving.
You are doing this. How does that make you damaged?
....I'll be left on the rubbish pile of damaged goods because I'll be suspicious of all appealing men and disdainful towards those that come across as desparate and/or needy
First of all I really dont see that happening...being suspicious. You ARE far to smart to do that. You will just be more careful and you will take things slower...thats all.You have begun to see the dynamic between you two, you recognize how you have reacted,being clingy etc and you WANT to be happy. Sounds like a recipe for finding a happy life. If you move on without him you will take what youve learned and make better choices. Just like me !
Seems like we have the same dynamic as you...just reversed. Cant comment just yet on your sitch but I dont doubt for a second your strength.
REMEMBER....if someone asks you to be a doormat..JUST SAY NO!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1230087 Me 35 w 42 4 sk 12-21 our s10 m10 t14 '02 ILUBNILWY 12/24/05 pa 02/07 pa separated 1/07-3/07 asked 4 D 3/07
I need to stop caring about his feelings so much. I need to concentrate on me and d6. d6 is manipulating the situation because she doesn't want to leave the security of our house. She refused to go stay with h on Saturday night and h didn't push the issue _at all_. Not happy. We spent all day Saturday together and then he stayed at home that night in the spare room.
I need to set boundaries. I need to find some 'pretend cojones' (real ones would be offputting!) and tell h that I don't want to spend time with him. Saturday was very tense and anxious for me. He was insensitive on one occasion by mentioning his new 'potential squeeze' and I flipped a bit. REally I shouldn't have let it bother me but because I have become such a wussbag and not telling him how I really feel (ie that I feel used and that he is being selfish and not thinking about how to do things best for our daughter) and get him to leave me alone except in regards to our daughter.
I'm seeing his mum for lunch today. It will be the first time I've seen her in quite a while. I'm not stressed about seeing her, I like her. I'm curious (dying of curiosity actually) to know what he has told his parents and what they think of the situation but really, it's not my business - or is it? what do you ppl think.
And thanks for the support w8ting and Bill. I know I'm not damaged goods really, I was just feeling sorry for myself.
I have Indigo Girls tickets for Nov 2. when I bought them a couple of months ago I invited h to come with me.
Now....I don't want him to come with me.
I don't know how to bring up the topic.
/quote]
I'm running out of time. This will be such a loaded issue as it will spill out over onto everything else.
I'm scared to tell him. I'm scared he'll hurt me back.
I really need to bring it up today or tomorrow. I'll have to tell him I have a babysitter (the one he spat the dummy over the other week) and that I don't want him to come. aaraggghhh I feel like such the cowardly baby for leaving it to the last minute to pull the rug out from under him, again.
What to do what to do??? It seems so simple but like I said, it will spill out into everything else
CMC, Tell him the truth..why you cant go with him. If he needs an explanation, give him some examples if he needs them. Just look him square in the and with no sadness..."NO". He will eventually respect you for it..whatever my come. Mine did when (after some time passed) bc I put my foot down and said enough is enough and heres why. REMEMBER.....No doormatiness!!
If you do go with him..ground-rules..ground-rules..ground-rules!!
Its time to show him just how strong you really are!!! You just may get a bad reaction, but its better than feeling the way you do and living with it.
BTW...I bought tickets to a concert for us. Not long after she asked for a divorce. A month before the concert I asked what she wanted to do with the tickets...did she want them. Since she didnt like being around me now I didnt want to go. She said we should keep them, "because we have no idea where we will be then..we may still be able to go." I decided to give them to her. Later I decided since it was the band I liked and I paid for the tickets and this whole thing was her fault, why give them to her. So screw her reaction, I wanted them. She didnt react badly like I thought she would. I ended up not going but I felt much better about standing up for what was right. And it probably was the beginning of her respecting me.
I wish I could be more help.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1230087 Me 35 w 42 4 sk 12-21 our s10 m10 t14 '02 ILUBNILWY 12/24/05 pa 02/07 pa separated 1/07-3/07 asked 4 D 3/07
I posted this on another thread in answer to what my sitch was. I'm not sure if it covers everything or glosses over too much but I thought I'd repeat it here for my reference and to maybe flesh out my sitch for others.
Quote:
Short answer
H said two-three years ago. You are getting fat, I'm worried about your health. And oh, by the way, I'm developing feelings for someone else.
I lost 25kgs. Took up rugby union. Was in the training squad for the National Team (didn't make it to the big time though - hadn't played for long enough)
h getting progressively nastier and more distant towards me. I trying harder to connect with him.
h dx with depression
h had an affair with a friend we both knew (was his friend first but I got friendly with her too). He confessed to a one night stand but concealed who it was with. I believed everything he said.
We decided we needed to separate.
Fast forward three months. After some drama the truth about that affair came out.
h apologises. wants to fix things. Understandably I am suspicious and hurt.
h still distant. Starts what I think of as an EA with someone else. Spends a lot of time 'looking out' for this person and no time working on himself or our r'ship.
I try and walk away around april (our tenth anniversary). he begs me to try again and 'take this journey together'. I pick my heart and guts up and try again.
I DB my arse off (didn't know what it was called then) between April to September.
H then drops the bomb that he is getting more than just friends with another different woman.
I am done at this point.
h still wants to be friends. but still wants to be intimate with me if the opportunity arises. I try this but end up feeling worse.
I have tried to be friends but there is too much hurt and snappishness there. I need to remove myself. I need to concentrate on me and d.
i need to get the guts together to tell h that I can't be his friend any more. I don't want to hang around with him and get my nose rubbed in it anymore.
so that's the 'short' version.... _________________________
I'm getting the feeling after reading your sitch that some scripting for you may help you to work out what you need to say to H. I know when I'm in these situations, that nothing seems to come to mind about what i can say. Feel free to ignore any or all of what I've said below, but it's just to gets the grey matter moving about structuring a conversation with H.
If you are going to cancel Friday with him you need to do it tonight! Tell him, you felt uncomfortable on Saturday, list the reasons.
tell him spending sat together was very hard and it made you anxious and feel bad. it's not healthy or normal for a separated couple to hang out all day long. the reason you are separated is because you realise that you aren't able to communicate properly or to have a proper friendship due to all the fights, so it's time to be mature and realise that it's better for both of you to give each other time to get over all the hurt from the last 17years (or you can just say the last couple of years if you prefer).
This conversation will then probably turn into a bigger discussion, where you can bring up that you want to maintain a mature and friendly relationship with him but you aren't able to be buddies with him for quite some time while you get over all the anger and hurt. (turn it around to benefit him). Say it's not fair on him that you are still snappy and grumpy with him and you both need a decent amount of time apart- except for picking up and dropping of d- in order be able to set a good example for d.
tell him you hope he can respect your needs for some space to stop being hurt and angry and to give you space. but that it's still important to you that he puts a lot of time into ensuring his r/s with d stays strong. (you could throw in there about once she hits teenage years it will be harder to connect- so ensuring there's a strong bond now will help that).
bring up friday and tell him You've been looking forward to Friday for so long and you want it to be without any anxiety or worries and you think seeing as he doesn't love the band anyway (and therefore won't be into it as much as you), that you'd prefer he didn't come along (yes this will hurt- think "like a bandaid- like a bandaid!").
If he asks are you taking someone else, say, I haven't planned for that yet. I wanted to ensure that you were ok with not going. Maybe I will try and find someone but for now I wanted to make sure you could understand that this was important to me to do by myself (say 'by myself' rather than saying 'without you').
if he says who is looking after d, then say well there are two choices depending on the outcome of this conversation. if H respects your decision and he doesn't have plans for friday then he can look after her or you can get a babysitter. but he needs to let know by tomorrow morning if he can take her otherwise you will organise a babysitter.
think of all his usual comebacks and have a response for them and then go back to your "script". try not to go around in circles.
hope you don't mind me posting all this. but i know if i'm confused if someone writes something like this it helps me clear my thoughts. also not promising that I haven't written anything that will make him angry.. but hey sounds like he may have to get angry and hurt in order for you to move on. if you like what ive said i suggest cutting and pasting what I've said into word and limiting yourself to a 20min edit time and then call him! Don't chicken out.
it'll be hard but it will get easier if you stand up for yourself now... just like the ad "you're worth it!"
I really should do these things face to face though - but I don't think I'm up to it (doing it face to face that is).
*sigh* you're right.....I do need to do it tonight. aaarrgghhh..will have to wait till d is in bed.
I have organised a babysitter (she confirmed last night). It's the same one he had a fit over the other week, but he since said it's okay for me to use her.
I _was_ looking forward to the concert, but I've been getting more and more anxious about it as it gets closer because I didn't know how to rescind my invitation.
You know...all I need now is for h to find this website!! Wouldn't THAT go down well!? Dammit...why didn't I pick a more obscure name!
I worry that he'll come screaming over and want to talk it out. I don't really think he will, but I think some threats about what stuff he will take out of the house might come up. the only thing I'm really worried about is if he says something stupid to d while he is emotional and angry.
I don't think he'll come over. If he does well its something you need to talk about anyway.
to be honest from all you've said i think he'd have to know that your not comfortable with the whole situation. (but could easily be proved wrong here.
you can do it!!
when is he next seeing d? I'm sure he will have calmed down by then. in the convo i'd just keep dropping the "we need to be mature, keep a friendly r/s in front of d, and also so for d's sake maintain a good r/s with her". remember you guys got together so young, your behaviours are probably the same as they were at 17... so maybe not the best.
Oh and it might be good if he threats taking stuff from the house. You can say "good idea, if you're going to do that you can take everything of yours, I think it's healthy for us both to be able to move forwards if we sort out all our stuff". this will be a hard and painful process but I'm sure it will be cathartic too. i recommend trying to get d to go to a friends house for that though. might be some arguments splitting up the stuff.
i'd even be tempted to make him realise that if he leaves anything behind, it's obviously not that important to him and it will get thrown out.
that way you can do a big spring clean and make yourself feel really good with a fresh new place.
