Lets try thing again!!!!

[limbo]

Thanks again Saffie!!

I have been spending alittle time reading other peoples posts and the responses they got in there sits
And its helping me get perspective, I need to detach, and I need to stop worrying about what he might or might not be doing.
You are right we have made alot of positive gains, and I have to be thankful for that, and he says he wants to stay.
Its not going to be easy, i know that, but me being this way isn't going to make things any easier, and maybe how I have been in the last few weeks did contribute to H slipping back.

However I do have some fear and one is what if this other women does say get on the next plane and come?! He already said if she asked he would be!

[saffie]

it's easy for him to say that as a form of comfort to someone miles away - it's not something one just does. Does he even know what she looks like now?

Limbo, he isn't going anywhere. Think how much he must love you to go to Retro. My H wouldn't have gone even if it was available - his pride would have gotten in the way.

You need to cut each other some slack. Piecing IS NOT easy. You are doing a good job. Both of you appear to be willing and love each other. You can get there.

saffie

[limbo]

I do hear you Saff I really do, I guess I struggle with if he does truly love and want to be with me, then why do something so destructive!
I have seen her pics, so I am sure he has, and she is nothing special, she is dumpy, and not attractive...so its not like he went wow she's hot, look at what I could have had!
This is all emotional for him, which I think is very scary to me, because its deeper for him! I think I could understand it better if she was prettier, slimmer, you know...but its not he is looking for some emotional thing and thats harder to deal with for him and me!

[saffie]

Maybe he is able to say these things because he doesn't mean it but he knows it will lift HER day if she is down. Maybe that's why he cannot see why you are upset with the contact - because to him it is an absolute no brainer - there's no way he is interested in her.

He probably doesn't realise quite what a huge whack your confidence has taken with all that has gone before - it took ages for my H to understand that, (and I am not sure he does now). I am beginning to get the feeling from what you are saying that this is completely meaninglesss to your H which is why he can't see it as a big problem. He doesn't understand that he is leading her on or hurting you because in his mind it is not even something he would contemplate.

Think about this. I flirt and joke and have fun on the boards at times. Now if that was read by some people they might think I meant it, (Sorry husband, theo etc... ). We all know this is a pro marriage site and it's just a bit of joking to raise our PMA's but someone else reading the threads might conclude something different. I have chatted to some people in the 'group' that I chat to on here about the possibility of flying over and meeting up - I don't mean romantically. I think your H's intentions are probably miles away from what you / I think they are. this is just dawning on me; that's why maybe he can't see why it's a big deal.

Does this make sense?

Saffie

[limbo]

It does make sense Saff, but I think that when he said it to her he meant it...
There was alot of things that happened after the blow out, that tells me it was meant.
He got really angry and snapped his laptop in half, he was very prepared to quit his job.
He said he only wanted to do what he wants, and only cared about himself, said he didn't care about me or the kids.
He also told her that the last time he had seen her she was pregnant with someone else's child and he had wished it had been his.

[saffie]

OH - ok

I guess there are some things one never gets to understand!!!He must feel really jumbled up and horrid inside.

saffie

[limbo]

I know he is, and I think this is what has kept me here, because this is not the man I married, but I have been seeing alot more of him poke through and thats why I stay.
But its getting to the point that I can not take the mental beatings for much longer, and I know that he wount be able either!

[sandi2]

You are probably right about needing the rest from all the drama. I know in a sense that his problems are your problems also.....especially when they affect you, but what concerns me a lot is that you are doubting yourself in this situation. I want you to know that he is the one that has messed up, Limbo, and he is the one with the women problems and trying to find himself and trying to go back in time to recapture his youth or whatever the heck it is he is trying to do. It is not you that has these issues....it is your H.

You asked how we could help him, but until he sees that he is WRONG and that he truly needs [u]HELP[/u, nobody will be able to do anything. That is the first step....he must face the truth and what he has done wrong and he does, in fact, need a lot of help right now. I don't think you are going to be able to do very much at all until he ownes up to that much. We can't make people do certain things in life......that was a hard fact for me to learn myself. We have to step back--and sometimes completely away from them for them to learn for themselves. Believe me, it is hard for those of us who are "fixers". I always wanted to "fix" my H and my kids and my grandchildren. But, I can't fix them, they have to do it.

Right now you are really scared. Your entire life seems to be balancing on this small thin line of which way your H may fall. Will he do the right thing or the wrong. That seems very unfair to you. I can tell how badly that you want to stay with him b/c you won't turn to friends that said, "I told you so", and a certain amount of pride is involved.......I understand that. But, I don't think you can handle this alone right now. You need support, sweetie. We are here at all times, but you need somebody that can physically put their arms around you and just hold you. Every human being has to have that at times in their lives. I am so concerned for you and all this hurt you are enduring. You are going to crash if you don't take care of yourself. I think you need to get away for a few days to regoup and rest. You have taken a bad emotional beating and you need time to rest and some self healing. He may need space, but so do you! You are taking blame for things that are not entirely your fault. Don't listen to him or anyone else that tries to make you believe that you are responsibile for his action. We are the owner of our actions. I would like to blame my medication or my H for my EA, but when it comes down to the bottom line.....I am responsible for it and nobody else.

Another thing is that as much as we would like to have everything solved in a matter of a few days, often times there are some issues that just can't be taken care of that quickly. Yes, he can stop making contact with other women, but the reason behind him making those contacts probably won't be healed that quickly. He needs to know why he is doing this and be willing to do whatever he needs to do to stop it. Sure, he is unhappy....but so are you! He is too self centered right now to see anything but his own unhappiness......or to care, I should say. I know, sweetie, I've been there. We get so messed up that we don't have good sense. We are willing to risk everything just to fill good again. I shudder to think what I was willing to risk! That is where he is right now. You have to decide if you can ride the storm out. It will take a lot of strength and you sure need support. Depending on if he is willing to get help or not will determine how long the storm will last or even if he will stay in the M. I think you must decide on what your steps will be based on his actions. You need a plan of action. Have you talked to any of the DB counselors? Do you have a Pastor or Priest, or somebody that you trust that could talk to you on short notice? I think you need somebody now.....not weeks away.

We are here on the board for you, but for the most part, we are not professionals. Most of us can give you our "take" based on years of wisdom (another nice word for "age")or on personal experience.

Please stay in close contact with us b/c we all are very concerned for you. We care a lot. As I've said, this board is what saved me from walking away from almost 42 years of M, but then I was not going through what you are. I don't think I am the kind of person that could put up with what you have, so that tells me that you must be pretty special. However, we don't have to continue to put up with that treatment.....life is too short and it kills our self esteem, so the decision is up to you.

Let us hear from you soon. Take care.

[sandi2]

Hey Limbo, are you okay? I hope you are taking a break and getting some rest today.

[limbo]

Hi Sandi,

Thanks for checking in, haven't really been able to take a break, but we had a better weekend.
H and I did a conflict resoloution on Friday about what has happened, this is a skill taught through retrouville, it helped, we were able to get out what we needed to around the whole email.
He says he realizes that he needs to grow up, and will be making an appointment with C to help him sort it out.
He also says that he never had alot of intrest shown in him by ow and now that he has he easliy gets caught up in the attention.
He sais he knew as soon as he sent the emails it was wrong, and doesn't fully understand why he does it.
We then dialogued last night about decision making, and I was able to tell him I find it hard to make decisions now because I have to worry that if I do something he doesn't like then he will go off and do something. He realizes that he has not decision making skills, he can do it no problem for work things, but when it comes to home its a whole different story.
I got alittle upset last night, basically I told him I just can't continue to do this, and be hurt in this way.
I am hanging on by a thread and things have to improve or there is just no point.
He said he loves me, and doesn't want someone else, that he get all he needs from me, and knows he needs help to sort this out, so hopefully he will seek help and really work on it.

I am going out with a cousin tomorrow, if haven't seen her in a long time, but think I can talk to her about things...but will just have to play it by ear.

So he is still here and saying he is willing, but its hard because I have heard this so many times before...he has locked up his email and other accounts, I haven't asked and he hasn't offered to unlock so I will have to play this one by ear also!