Don't worry about your past decisions. Worry about your present decisions. Why do you choose to share a bed with someone you think is pretending?
Trying very hard to "fake it til you make it" but a great pretender I am not. I'm slowly dying. Still stuck in the whirlwhind of "is this really how it is?" , "is this ever going to get better", "Do I see everything through mud colored glasses or am I seeing things for what they are but only foolishly once in a while hanging on to what I see through rose colored glasses", "Is this really going to be the year that things are different", "Would my life really be any better without him", "UGH!"
I've been lost for years...not finding any answers and the ones I do find (like h admitting that he would not want either of our children to grow up and have a m like ours) baffle me. Well, they don't really baffle me...they help to make sense of what is. What they do is confuse me when it comes to the WHY part of things. WHY and HOW can h think that things are OK. I am not some star in a 50's style tv sitcom. I cannot continue to exhist being the wife and mother while he's THE MAN who earns the money and falls asleep on the couch watching sports. There is an emptiness a void. I have to wonder what would be worse...ow had said to me about her decision to D..."I'd rather be alone and lonely than with someone and lonely" strange that those same thoughts had been running through my mind for years. I however chose to keep trying. I don't want to be lonely...I don't want to live with this emptiness or feeling that something is missing forever. I want a companion and h just doesn't seem to want or need the same thing.
We've hit a wall. H and I both know that this isn't working. I've been willing to try to make it work but h seems content to accept the fact that we are married with children and live out the rest of his life this way. I don't know that I can do that.
