dazed: 3AM your time? Sorry, man. I may look for some advice as I get closer to going home. I need to know which pitfalls to avoid. I'm convinced it's over for me too.
FLTC, man I hope that your gut is wrong. I was convinced that I had made some progress. Then....WHAM! I will say that when I called W, I could tell that she did not want to talk about this. She said that she was about to go to sleep, which I found odd at 9:30 pm. So against all the advice I have read on this board, I did a ddrive by. All the lights were on but no cars in the driveway. I thought maybe she fell asleep watching TV in her room. After waking up this morning, I decided to drive by again before work (I just had a feeling). I drive by and see her old car in the driveway. She was out last night when I spoke to her, probably at her boyfriend's house. I can accept that she wants a D, but I am furious at her arrogance that she thought she could lie to me and I would not find out. I believe that the reason the D was not filed right away was b/c she had not found another guy yet, I was Plan B. At this point, I do not want to DB. Who wants to be with someone who shows you absolutely no respect? They all probably had a big laugh about how they were fooling me. I am not leaving the M until I let her know that I see her for the liar that she is.
FLTC, I have found that we get into trouble when we ignore our gut feelings. We try to rationalize those feelings away but we had those feelings for a reason. I am bit relieved now that I finally know what must be done. No more being in limbo and no more lies. I hope that it is not over for you but don't dimiss that feeling you have. Ask yourself, "why do I feel like it is over?" Go over the reasons. It may be painful, but at least you can avoid falling into the trap of false hope. That little voice in our head is right most of the time I have found in my experience. Keep me posted and I will do the same. God speed.
Update: Ok, now that the initial shock has subsided. What to do if anything all. I spoke her a few days ago and asked that she not lie to me. I stated that if she wanted this to be civil, I at least deserve to be told the truth. She agreed and stated that she "fibbed" to avoid hurting my feelings (now she cares about my feelings, whatever). I stated that I was not comfortable with filing until I could retrieve all of my belongings and that I couldnt this weekend b/c I was going out of town. However, she was adamant about going ahead and filing that day. I stated that I could not stop her if that is what she wanted to do. She stated that she would not damage my things and that I could keep them there as long as I needed to. I tild her that she could keep her things at my grandfathers as long as she needed to as well. She asked where I was going that weekend and I responded that it was none of her business. She then replied that she wouldn't tell me what she was up to when I ask her in that case. I said fine and told her where I was going. I wished her well on her new job that was to start Monday. She thanked me and said that it meant alot coming from me. She also stated that she still wanted me in her life as a friend and that I could come by and get my things whenever I wanted or just stop by for a visit. She sent me an email today advisng that I needed to co to the cell phone place and set up an account b/c she had my # removed (she had told me about this previously) as her work was going to pay her bill. She stated that she hoped that I had fun this weekend. I replied in a friendly way. That was it.
Now the question, what do I do now? Leave her alone? Send a friendly email every now and then? Write her off as a closed chapter in my life? That visit comment perplexes me but perhaps she is just feeling guilt. Who knows? Comments and or advice are always appreciated.
Update: After coming to grips with the reality that I was actually going to be divorced, she starts with the contact. At first it is simply a fwd'd email. Sounds innocent enough, right? Well, it would be if not for the fact that it she hasn't done this except onece since we separated 2 months ago. I do not respond as I am trying to get on with my life and start a new one without her (doing quite well thus far if I do say so myself, but I digress). So 2nite I am watching a college football game with my grandfather and uncle (another way that I am GAL) and I get a txt msg from her: "Whata game. :)". She has not initiated contact in months. She had responded to my txts in the past but only one time initiated txt'ing. What tha heck is up? I am moving on with my life trying to put her out of my mind and when I do....BAM! She contacts me. I kept it friendly and lighthearted. In the back of my mind I was thinking: "Didn't you just file for divorce earlier this week?"
I still want her back but I had given up hope for us. Why would she contact me? Guilt? Remorse? I have no idea. I am not getting my hopes up. Any advice on what I should do? I did not immediately respond to her initial txt but she quickly responded to mine. I was nice and acted as if. What could her contacting me possibly mean and how should I respond in the future? I welcome anyones advice. I am desparate. Thanks.
Who knows what her contacting you means she might just miss talking with you, but does not want anything more right now. I don't have much advice, but if you still want her back do what you did text her back and keep it friendly.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
The question that is going through my mind is, why? Why would she divorce me only to initiate contact less than a week later? I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to talk to her, I do. On the other hand, I don't want to be used to ease her guilt (assuming that she feels guilty). I have tried to put her out of my mind and when I get close to normal, she txt msgs me. Ugh! I could see me getting false hope only to be shot down again. However, if she is having 2nd thoughts, I do not want to tell her to leave me alone and destroy any chance at reconciliation. She fwd'd an email to me today. This is significant b/c she had not done that in quite sometime. How do I leave the door open for her without coming across as needy? I just do not want to be disappointed yet again nor do I want to shoot myself in the foot either. ANY insight would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Just sit back if she wants to make contact then be friendly, but don't have any expectations. She may have other motives like trying to ease her guilt, but that is a risk you have to accept if you want a chance at getting her back. She may be testing the waters and if this is true you need to make sure you keep it cool don't jump at the first positive sign.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
Thanks for your insight, it is appreciated. I ended up txt'ing her today while waiting in the Dr.'s office. Nothing serious, just making fun of the other people in the waiting room. She responded immediately. We joked back and forth. I ended the txt'ing by telling her that I had to go. She responded: "Okay, bye bye." That seems insignificant but that is the way she says good bye when she is happy. I could always tell whens she was not happy when we were on the phone b/c she would just say, "bye." (an inside thing between us, she also referenced inside jokes that we had). I am still unsure as to her motives, but I will see where it goes. I have no expectations and thus should not be overly dissappointed if she is just bored, feeling guilt or whatever. I am GAL big time. I have been on dates with other women, nothing serious, just proving to myself that I can still get out there. I love my W and would do anything to be with her but as it stands right now, we are no longer married and I refuse to show her any neediness. I am a prize and someone will surely recognize this if not my W. I would love to hear more opinions, they really help.
I wouldn't read anything into it other than she is happy where she is at right now. Anything else is just wishful thinking and will set you up for a letdown. Stay in your good spot...
