I skimmed through your story and saw many of the usual things. But what I really noticed is that you recognize some of your behaviors (clingy, tired of hanging on every word, that sort of thing.)and that is good.
But let's get to your opening post of the thread.
Quote:
Am I being petty or am I being reasonably in protecting myself from further pain?
No. You are not being petty. And it makes sense to protect yourself. I recognize that you are worried about the effect it could have on the relationship which is understandable. A positive is that he hasn't mentioned divorce. And if he is in depression, that is a tough thing tio deal with.
But what you really want to do is find a good place for yourself. Try different things. DB always say when something doesn't work, do something different. This is something I really like:
Quote:
I will work on myself to love myself
That is the key. The first person you need to learn to love is yourself. We all go through this period where we feel like we have been tossed out like an old pair of shoes. That is tough to get over. the mere fact you said that is great and that is what you search for.
I know only skimmed the surface, and no doubt you have many more questions, but the key is to find your center. Once you do that (and it won't happen over night, everything else falls into place no matter what happen in your situation. Of course, it doesn't have to happen right this minute.
Good luck and I will check back in on you.
IMP
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply IMP.
I know I can talk the talk but I have trouble walking the walk when I have to face h. I think I will get hold of DR after all.
I find it easier to centre myself when I don't have to deal with him. Unfortunately, due to daughter, I do need to make sure he can still see her. I can't wait to get into mediation and set up structured times for him to see her. Currently he picks her up from school on Tues and then I pick her up from his workplace that evening. He sometimes picks her up on thursdays as well and then I pick her up again from his work. I am trying to implement a 'every second Saturday' where d will stay with him now that he has his own apartment. I want him to spend more time with d, not less however, but becuase of the nature of his job, he just never has the big chunks of time to look after her. Frankly it doesn't cut it for me, but I can't change what he does.
I have Indigo Girls tickets for Nov 2. when I bought them a couple of months ago I invited h to come with me. He is not interested in their music but said he wanted to go because he wanted to be with me. Undoubtedly he will still say that he wants to go with me.
The thing is. I don't think he'll enjoy the music. I was really looking forward to it as I haven't been to a live concert since...university days I think! I'd rather go on my own than go with someone who will not like the music but because I thought there was still hope for h and I, I invited him.
Now....I don't want him to come with me.
I guess the cowardly part of me has been poo poo-ing his comments when he says that I don't want to spend time with him. He is right....I don't - but I'm scared to tell him that. Why? Because he will withdraw from me and I will feel guilty. It will make it harder for me to get him to spend time with d6 and it will be harder to be amicable about things if he thinks I hate him. I don't hate HIM, I hate what he is doing and how he is behaving. I want to not be available to be hurt, to fuel his insecurities, I want to feel special, I want to not be walking on eggshells. There are still things I need him to do (get his stuff out of the house, spend more time with d6, etc).
Should I just suck it up and be friendly and go to the concert with him? He will need to have taken time off so I feel that I can't withdraw the invitation now. I'm too scared to 'stand him up'. I dont' even know if he will still expect to go. I don't know how to bring up the topic.
I have skimmed through your sitch and I am a bit confused. Where do you want to be in this M? Do you want to be M still or do you want a D? I just can't get a handle in that. I can see that the interactions between you and your H are hurtful and strained but I don't understand what end result you want. Do you know?
With the tickets I guess if it was me I would probably just ask him to confirm if he was still on for the gig or not. If he is then try and make the most of it. You will always be in contact whatever the M outcome because of your D and at a concert it is hard to talk once it starts.Any good time you spend together will benefit your D in the long run. If he doesn't want to go then you can ask someone along who would enjoy it. I know it's hard - a couple of times My H came to things with me when we weren't getting along - and they were things I liked and he didn't particularly - but in actual fact it seemed the more I dreaded an event and wondered what he would be like the more he suprised me and I would go home actually having liked it.
Hang in there girl.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I want out. as it stands, and as it has stood for most of our time together, there is an unhealthy dynamic going on. I want to learn to love myself and be enough of a person for ME, before I can be anything to anyone else. I feel subsumed when I am with h and he feels that I "suck the life out of him". Nice.
I just want things to separate amicably and respect boundaries. I need some space to discover how to look after myself. I would like to be his friend but I surely don't appreciate the way he has treated me when we were married so I'm not sure if I'll like how he treats me as a friend. He has always overstepped the 'appropriate' boundaries with me and I have always let him do so without mature and sensible repercussions. I have been passive aggressive in trying to communicate my discomfort when he has crossed those lines so I feel very hypocritical to go to town on him now.
Not sure if I've made sense. I feel a bit 'fake' being on a divorce busting website. I lurked on a verbal abuse website for ages but that just didn't sit right for where our relationship was. I was hoping that I could find a home here but I'm not sure if my sitch means I'll still be welcomed if I say I want out.
Of course you would be welcomed. I don't think this site is about keeping your M together at any cost. No-one on here thimks of those that D as a failure. It's all about growing as a person, being true to yourself, acting with integrity etc. etc.......
Does you H know you want out? And do you want out because you think in the long run that will hurt less? I ask this as I have felt like being a WAW on occasions. Sometimes the hurt is so all consuming it's hard to breathe.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Do I want out because I think it will hurt less in the long run? No, I know it will hurt more but I want to be happy and i've sat back and 'let things happen' for too long. I need to take some action to achieve my own happiness and be a stronger, more confident person. I want out of our current relationship. I want out of the dynamic that has dogged us since we met. If I had to label it I'd call it a Love Addiction/Codependency issue.
If it's possible, then perhaps in a while we can start again but I don't know if that's unrealistic. I do want to have more kids (ironic now that I actually want more, I am not in a position to have more!).
I guess I am scared of telling him I want out because in the past if I have rejected him he appears so crushed. I guess I also feel hypocritical to say I agree with him that we should separate when I think back to three weeks ago and how upset I was when he did pull the pin.
Plus by saying I want out as well, I worry that he'll go "Whee! Cool! Now I can go out and play with whoever I want!" and that I'll be left on the rubbish pile of damaged goods because I'll be suspicious of all appealing men and disdainful towards those that come across as desparate and/or needy. I think I quite competitive with him and don't want him to move on unless I am in a position to do so as well.
okay, I just said I didn't have time, but d3 calmed down a bit.
I've been so excited about this book I am reading, and honestly, I think it could help you, too. telling your H it is over is definitely a crucial conversation. I'll admit I cringed when you said telling h is going to be hard because he is going to be so crushed...I'm the one usually on the other end of tough conversations like that, and know my h dreads me looking crushed/getting emotional.
if you can get your hands on a copy, it might help you figure out a good way (or as good as it can get) to tell your h you want a divorce.
assuming, of course, that you really do. and if you do, I see no need for you to take him to the concert. I see no need for you to socialize. I do see you as needing to figure out the best way to co-parent. that should be your priority. and having a friendly relationship with your h could help that, but it doesn't mean you need to be friends with him.
I honestly don't think separation is a bad thing...you don't have to dive right into divorce if you aren't completely sure. in fact, my personal belief is that you don't divorce until you are sure its the right thing to do, not just self-preservation (unless there is violence, of course). I'm not judging your decision here, just wanting you to really give it some thought.
good luck, and take care of yourself.
Last edited by morgan; 10/26/0711:05 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Hmm, this is a sticky sitch because of your D6. Normally, I would say to stay with the status quo and to keep things consistent when it comes to kids' schedules. One of my divorce manuals, maybe Marriage Builders, says it is very positive to agree to everything because ournatural inclination is to fight. You want your H to see the kids more and I want my H to see the kids according to my schedule. I always put the ball into my H's court and am prepared to agree with boundaries. Ask your H about his schedule and about the concert but be prepared to agree. You will win more in the long run if you agree as long as the boundaries are set. No way do I want my kids to have overnights with Daddy now. he is way too screwed up and unstable. But I have a toddler too. AND I am a teacher and I believe students need to have one primary home for their study skills and grades. I would give up a third of non school nights so that my kids will be home for school nights.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
