Time for healing without closing the door

[LooseThread]

Me me me me me....man...y is it so hard?

Why do I care if he doesn't call me? I'll only get tongue tied or p1ssed off or upset with him anyway. I have no reason really to talk to him other than for practical stuff (like moving his stuff out or other separation related conversation - and like that would be a fun conversation - NOT!).

I have to wait another three weeks before we have another counselling session. Next week will be a counselling session for our daughter. I have no idea of what to expect in that one. Like will it just be the counsellor talking to her or will we get asked things first?

Wish I could concentrate on work for longer than three minutes at a time. This is ridiculous. I sit on here all day waiting to see if people have replied or trawling other threads to find someone in a similar position to me. I am spending waaaay too much time dwelling on this situation. How do I stop??

Wish I could concentrate on work for longer than three minutes at a time. This is ridiculous. I sit on here all day waiting to see if people have replied or trawling other threads to find someone in a similar position to me. I am spending waaaay too much time dwelling on this situation. How do I stop??

If you figure it out, please let me know - I spend so much time at work just reloading the forum to see if there is that one little spark of hope that I can take with me to work on my M.

I really don't have a good answer. Keeping busy with other stuff, particularly 'people' stuff helps me. My W and I used to do pretty much everything together - In many ways we still do, even though we're having problems. I'm trying to find people to talk to and things that keep my mind active, but it's really tough. My W was out of town last week so I was home alone with my D, and it was a lot easier to not think about it. I still read a lot and posted here, but I didn't feel so 'desperate'.

It sounds like you're in a very similar position to me - They're moving out. I'm really hoping that my DBing and everything will improve when we're separate. At least in my sitch she's still somewhat open to working on stuff further down the road, and our relationship was AWESOME when she was out of down - Talked every day, e-mails and instant messenger. It was so relieving for both of us to have some space to ourselves.

I know it doesn't help to hear it, and we all still have the same feelings, but I thought that maybe it would be helpful to know that others are in the same position and they don't have a clue either

[LooseThread]

Thank you so much Brit!

Yeah,....people stuff helps me too. Unfortunately my job these days (even though it's now in the city and i get to go home every night) is not so much about people any more so I have to motivate myself instead of relying on external emergencies to keep my distracted from my sitch. I know I overanalyse too much but....

My h has already moved out. He has been out since Jan but was living with a work colleague until he fell out with her (she truly was just a friend - I actually think she may have been trying to knock some sense into him RE our marriage but he didn't take kindly to it amongst other reasons) and then he was sleeping on another friends' couch (wouldn't you know it, another female - but not shagging her either) for a couple of weeks and now he has just last week moved into a one b'room apartment in a suburb north of here. I know what suburb but I don't have his address. Do I need to know his address? Should I ask him for it or just wait and see if he gives it to me. He has gone dark on me now as well. there just seems to be no room for middle ground in this relationship. It's either drama drama drama or no contact. *sigh*

I'm so envious that your r'ship is good when you guys have some space. I think ours is pretty much over. I don't know how to be friends with him, I feel like he keeps overstepping the boundaries for what is appropriate. I wonder if I had met him for the first time this year (instead of knowing him since I was 17) if I would even like him. I'd still be fascinated with him, but I think I'd be wary enough of him that I wouldn't get into a r/ship with him. He's so clever and wonderful, I just don't think he's wonderful in the way he interacts with me.

I'm scared to be alone. I think.

Finding the balance in the middle of everything that is going on is really tough. When my W got back from her trip, we were pretty close - Sleeping together (just sleeping!), we'd kiss occasionally and she'd be responsive to ILY with ILYT. Last night she told me that physical contact made her feel uncomfortable and she wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. My W and I have been really good friends throughout the whole situation - We've gone places together, worked on little projects and all of that stuff. Sometimes she'll say it's because she is trying to make the transition easier for us, other times she will say that she needs me as a friend and can't imagine living without me. I'm sure there is truth to both parts - Usually when she's angry or in a bad mood, I get more of the "I'm being nice" rather than "I need you", but that's par for the course.

I used to be scared of being alone, but after last week and realizing that our R was better when we're alone gave me some hope. I guess sometimes you feel more alone with people around you than you do when you're by yourself but with good and healthy contact with other people. Is it important right now to know where your H is living? Maybe, maybe not - If he has gone dark, then it's probably not really going to matter a whole lot. As long as he knows where you are if he wants to start working on the R, then you're probably in the best position you can be right now.

[Bill_S]

Hi CMC,
Its the Irish doormat. Havent read enough to know your sitch.
But Ive seen enough to know how you feel. Hang in there. Im going to read more of your posts. Im sure you are handling things very well. Seems we both need to brush the mud off. Keep being kind.

[LooseThread]

*sigh* He called me at 6.20am this morning becuase he needed to tell me something. I hate it when he says that...it's never bloddy good.

this chick he was helping earlier in the year (overhelping in my book - though he swears he wouldn't get involved with her becuase she had too many issues) has seemingly gone off the deep end becuase h has not responded to her advances (or maybe he did a while ago and then backed off....I'm pretty sure she's gotten the wrong message somewhere along the line and h is claiming and entirely believing his innocence).

so he is telling me this why? because this woman (I'll call her 'Loopy') is threatening to "f*ck him over" and ring his wife and tell her everything. so being the nice guy that he is, he is ringing me to forewarn me in case she does call. Great. Now I'm thinking about that waaaay too much. I know that if she does call I need to not listen to anything she says (though if she leaves a message should I keep it for evidence??) and I will tell her that I don't want to listen to anything she has to say and if she calls again I will report her to the police.

Bottom line is, I don't really think she will call. However, now I'm on tenterhooks waiting to see if she will call (this is me showing how addicted to drama I am) and I'm peeved that h felt he needed to tell me. He also told me that Loopy is peeved that he is starting to date another woman that she knows and as such is doubly rejecting Loopy. I interrupted (too late) and said that I don't want to know what Loopy thinks about you and 'new potential'. I'm p1ssed that he has to lay on the other layers of information that just upset me. I want him to hurt. I want him to take a damn good look at himself and look deep inside and work on HIMSELF before getting involved with other women. I want him to work on himself and when he is not working on himself I want him to spend time with our d.

One good thing that he said was that I was right all along in terms of telling him that he can't help other people (eg Loopy) at the expense of not looking after himself.

However, I don't deserve to let myself get drawn into upsetting conversations that early in the morning. I tried to end the call a couple of times but he begged me to tell him what I started to say. I ended up severely in tears and late for work.

the way I see it is in this relationship I am prepared to look at things differently and try adn change the way we do things (lots of backsliding involved, but that's to be expected) yet for h he'll try a little bit and if it backfires then he backs off and withdraws compleletely. I don't believe he has really tried to look at himself or really tried to work on our relationship. He is relying on external factors to make him feel better. He has been expecting that everything he does makes sense to me and I feel like my feelings/needs don't matter unless they make him feel better.

I'm mad. I need to detach. I need to not care if Loopy calls me. How to I switch off and deal with this *if* it even occurs???

HElp!

Should I have cut him off and told him I didn't want to hear it? I originally thought that when he started to tell me she was going off at him that he was going to go and visit her to 'straighten her out' which would have meant breaking our family date tomorrow. So, when I realised that wasn't the case I was a little relieved, but now that I have reflected on teh conversation I'm peeved that he rang me at all. Aren't I a big enough girl to look after myself? I think he was just protecting himself (again) by saying she'll say a lot of stuff, but some of it isn't true (and I won't know what's true and what's not).

About an hour later once d was dressed and ready for school she was at a loose end so I talked to her about what options we had for our family time tomorrow. I told her to call daddy with her wishes (probably shouldn't have contacted him) so she did and then he wanted to talk to me. I said I was busy getting ready for work (which I was, I was running late) but he insisted d give me the phone so I took it. He asked if I was okay, I said 'I'm trying to get ready for work" he said, 'that's not what I meant, are you ok?", I said "I'm fine, I'm just trying to get ready for work, I'm running late", he said "Well if that's the way you're going to be, don't worry about it." I tried to back pedal (stoopid) and repeated that I was running late. He just didn't seem to get that while I may have still been peeved at him, I didn't have time to talk and then he gets all hurt because I dont' want to talk to him. Then I feel bad that I have been dismissive. this morning though I just kept sticking to my 'I'm late' explanation but he still seemed to get peeved with me. what am I doing wrong in these conversations?

[nephartiti]

"What am I doing wrong in these conversations?"

Casey, this was totally inappropriate of your H. I am floored. I don't know him, but I only see two possible motives.

1. To cover his ass if this OW loopy calls you.
2. To hurt you by rubbing his OW in your face.

Boundaries, my dear. Put them in place and stand firm. When you said you were too busy to talk, you should have stuck with it. Unless he is ending his other R's and seriously talking reconciliation, then R talk about OW are off limits. I know he wanted to be "friends" but this is not healthy. No, not at all. Well, that's my opinion anyway.

Sorry you have to put up with this BS. I don't know what's worse. My H who denies til he turns blue or your H who is so blatant you can smell it.

(((HUGS)))

[inmyplace]

Hi CMC,

I skimmed through your story and saw many of the usual things. But what I really noticed is that you recognize some of your behaviors (clingy, tired of hanging on every word, that sort of thing.)and that is good.

But let's get to your opening post of the thread.

Am I being petty or am I being reasonably in protecting myself from further pain?

No. You are not being petty. And it makes sense to protect yourself. I recognize that you are worried about the effect it could have on the relationship which is understandable. A positive is that he hasn't mentioned divorce. And if he is in depression, that is a tough thing tio deal with.

But what you really want to do is find a good place for yourself. Try different things. DB always say when something doesn't work, do something different. This is something I really like:

I will work on myself to love myself

That is the key. The first person you need to learn to love is yourself. We all go through this period where we feel like we have been tossed out like an old pair of shoes. That is tough to get over. the mere fact you said that is great and that is what you search for.

I know only skimmed the surface, and no doubt you have many more questions, but the key is to find your center. Once you do that (and it won't happen over night, everything else falls into place no matter what happen in your situation. Of course, it doesn't have to happen right this minute.

Good luck and I will check back in on you.

IMP

[LooseThread]

Thanks guys.

Just to clarify neph, Loopy was never an OW. She was a weight training buddy who saw a nice guy who would listen to her and she unloaded her issues onto him. He thought he could help her but got sucked into spending too much time helping her and not enough time thinking of me and d and himself. It seemed he was addicted to helping other people even though he has said that's one of the reasons he doesn't want to be with me (becuase he feels like he has to be my father). I guess the worst I could classify this friendship was an EA. Loopy is either manic depressive or schizophrenic, I forget which, but is seriously in need of more help than h could ever give her. When I did find out that he had been helping her and not spending that time with me or working on our relationship I was pretty upset. I could see that she was leaning on him way too hard and that soon she would be pestering him to get into a relationship with her. She has now moved away but is obviously still hooked on him. If ever I find out there was more than just an overhelpful behaviour on his part and he did something to lead her on (and I'll be the decider on what I think is leading on behaviour - not him) that will be one of the final nails in the coffin to me trusting him and he will no longer be my friend.

I did also tell him this morning that one of the main reasons we are separated is becuase he knows everything about me yet he keeps so many parts of himself secret and private. I said as a wife I have a right to know him better than anyone else and by him holding back information in an effort to protect me (or him) is still dishonesty. And when the truth in its entirety does eventually come out, my trust in him is whittled away some more. I said it a little differently than the way I've typed it out here but the bottom line gist was "I can't stand that you keep things from me and throw out little bits of info as you see fit. You don't realise that when the whole truth comes out, it looks like you have lied."

Please keep 2x4'ing me but also think of h as a human being. He is hurting too and is obviously confused. I do want to preserve a friendly relationship because we have a daughter and I dearly love his family. I just don't want to get intimate with him and risk myheart again without serious assurances that he has changed.

[mkultra]

Whew, what a whirlwind you have been through! I am almost caught up with your sitch. You are quite the Survivor aren't you? I am quite proud of your DBing efforts. Our sitches are similiar in many ways except for the cheaters. I believe my H's infidelity is a romantic affair, the hardest one to reconcile from and your H is more of a classic infidel cad, much like my father, sad to admit. My Dad was a serial cheater, kind of gor addicted to the attention. My H thinks the marriage made him do it andnow he is stuck. Your H, he needs to see you independent truly. So dos your D6. Mt D6 has also seen my tears and I really just want to her to grow up and see me independent and healthy. I will write back to you but my S2 has to potty.