It sounds like you are doing great. You are taking action to prepare yourself for whatever awaits you. You should be proud of yourself for that.
I think I'm going to check out that book too. Convos with our spouses are so crucial. They can make or break us. I get defensive so easily. I can't seem to hold my tongue. I'm with you in "my life is an open book" department along with the side of sarcasm. Working on that. It's not getting me anywhere.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
lwb, I pay the bills. I've paid all the bills since the day we got engaged, likely before that. I pay all the bills, except for his new car payment. he, for some reason, has decided to pay that one. but I'm holding firm, I stuck it in the bill basket and won't look at it till next week.
wow, this book is facinating. really facinating. I'm understanding more and more a lot of what my friend has been trying to drum into my thick head for the past 7 months. I'm also taking a good long look at myself. I admitted early on my own foibles...the things I could have done better in our relationship, the things I could have done differently. I thought I was really good, in fact, because I did recognize my own faults, unlike him. but I'm starting to realize there is a lot more about me that needs to change. I'm not talking cheerios on the floor stuff, I'm talking how I communicate. I have been working on the flight stuff, but there is more to it.
my friend and I were talking yesterday and she made a comment that she was hoping I would get out of one of the books she recommended the need for developing empathy. I had no idea what she was talking about...I feel like I'm a very empathetic person, actually. hell, look at me on my anniversary, actually understanding why it might be hard for him, too. she was quiet for a minute and then told me I tended towards being judgemental when dealing with h. not about the affair, but in general. I balked for a minute, hell, I come from a family of very judgemental people, I've always thought of myself as not that way at all. an anomoly among the experts, as it were. but the more I've thought about it, the more I realize she is dead on. I may not be at my older sister's level, or my mother's, but wow, I am. I have been for years.
reading this book is making me see even clearer just how unsafe an environment I have made it for h to communicate with me. I always thought I gave in to him, and I have in many ways, but really, in many ways it was also my way or the highway. for instance, yeah, I rolled my eyes and thought I made some great sacrifice by making sure there was chocolate for dessert at every holiday meal (he only likes chocolate desserts), but when you look at all the things that had to be my way about holidays in general, wow, there was no room for discussion.
same with the kids. I did pretty much everything for our eldest, although he did help some. our eldest was easy. when the twins came, well, there was no room for discussion in my book, he had to step the f up. I couldn't handle it on my own when they were infants, particularly in the middle of the night. he wanted to get a cleaning lady, I balked at spending the money (hey, I'm a little on the cheap side). he wanted to get some help here or there, I balked. instead I built up a lot of resentment (standing on the edge of the pool of whatever the hell it was in the book) while he withdrew because nothing he suggested or did was good enough.
I thought I compromised on a lot of things in our life, I can list the things I've given in on...amazingly vivid, that list. but now I see what I have dictated in our lives, too, stuff that was not up for discussion, because of course I never made it safe for him to talk to me about anything...my reaction to any confrontation was flight or sarcasm or an emotional breakdown.
good god, I'm only on chapter 4 or 5 of this book and I feel like lights are coming on all over the place.
no, I am not excusing his affair. but wow, am I really starting to see some things in our life in a very different way.
and I'm also seeing how I could have been communicating better since the affair. db was eye opening, this is in a new way. some of it probably jibes nicely with db, actually.
I'm going to keep reading tonight and tomorrow, then really see how I can apply it to what I want to accomplish on saturday. I'm bummed because my friend is heading out of town and it will be hard to reach her...I wish I could go over things in the book with her. but still, I am really feeling good here. again, I can't stop the train, but boy can I keep off the tracks, and maybe, just maybe, work that little lever that makes it go in a different direction.
Last edited by morgan; 10/26/0702:16 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
f him, mk, your tone did not make him cheat. he has sole responsibility for that. however, it may make you look at aspects of your marriage in a very different way. I know it has mine.
more importantly, it may help you communicate better with him now. it may help you achieve your goals now, whatever they may be.
Last edited by morgan; 10/26/0702:36 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
ok, I'm sold. I just put a hold on the book at a local library. I will be picking it up tomorrow. Time for a book club/reading discussion circle Who else is joining?
Morgan, let's start a Crucial Convo thread
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
