I almost started an email to H, well actually I did start an email & saved it as draft, but I don't know that I want or need to share this w/ him right now.

I think about him coming home and at times I'M AFRAID. I decided to start posting things that I'm afraid of maybe just to get it out, think about it and get some input on it.

1. I'm afraid that I will always feel like I am having to prove to you that I'm good enough to be your wife.

2. I'm afraid that every day, little irritating things will seem larger and that you will decide to leave again.

Those are the 2 that came to mind as I was trying to get some rest this p.m. Anyway, I'm needing to get things off my chest these days and don't necessary want to talk to H about it all the time.

Actually, I don't bring up the D sitch very much at all really. I just go on as if . . .

Sometimes I have questions, like tonight he mentioned another "girl" that he worked w/ here. Not the OW/EA, but I've always wondered if there was something w/ this other girl too. I decided not to ask. I guess I don't know if I even need to know. I honestly have gotten to the point of "you got it good, man, and if you decide it's not good enough, so be it." I'm not being cocky to the point of arrogant or starting to treat him badly, but I need that self-worth, self-esteem, etc. that tells me that, w/ the changes I've made and am willing to implement in our M once he gets back, if it isn't good enough or I'm not good enough, there really never was or is anything I could do that would make it good enough (did that even make sense?)

Me: 38
H: 35
S4, S5, S10
Bomb 01/07
Wanted D - nothing would change his mind
Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb
Piecing 04/07
Deployed for a year 05/07
Still Piecing 2010
M 11 yrs 05/10