My H has not aged well these past few years. Poor diet and sleep deprivation, etc. I looked up the link that Fearless gave you and the Romantic Affair described my H to a T!
ROMANTIC INFIDELITY
Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate--someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own--is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your fife, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.
Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born--any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones. Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads--at least for a while.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
that passage is amazing, isn't it, mk? it just frustrates me because H doesn't see it...doesn't explore his own mess at all, just goes with it. he obviously is confused, obviously isn't happy, he knows that and has had a few breakdowns where he has said it to me. but he doesn't do anything about it...no real therapy, no research on his own. nothing.
mk, inching is good, if you feel that is what is best. just don't stand up and start running. if you are going to go the d route, make sure it is what is right for you, a positive action, not as a reaction. will be in your corner no matter what you decide to do.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
but he doesn't do anything about it...no real therapy, no research on his own. nothing.
Oh dear...sounds like mine again! I mean surely leaving your loved ones would be more terrifying than exploring yourself through therapy, support group, research, reading etc??
Perhaps not...I dont' understand men.
My h is addicted to his job. It is fueling him. I am sad becuase I've been there, done that and I know it can't last forever. I just don't think I can stick around for him to work it out the hard way. Of course, if he started reading recovery books, started going to individual counselling more often than once every six months and started talking with sensible people that aren't having affairs of their own then I'd be taking more notice of him.
It's just sad that no matter what other guy I look at, none of them hold a candle to my h.
Today was H's birthday. Oddly, the first one where we are not friends in 23 years! I went ahead and wrote out the story of his birth on a post it and put it on the card my D6 made. She drew a party with all of us together along with his aunts. Very cute. The thing is he may never see the story because it is on the back of a drawing she made. Very cute. He gets the day off automatically from his state job so I reckon he spent the day with his whore. Well, that is what she is and so is he. I kind of hate them.
My D6 met with her shrink. We went over all her issues. Saying her daddy's mistress looked like an 8 year old. Calling him dead. Praying to Jesus. Wow, my little girl is kind of messed up. I guess in a normal way. She is still happy and loving and kind. Not angry or depressed. So that is a plus.
I did run into my H. He was early at the sitters for my dark pick up. Is that an accident? I stayed dark in the car. And took off. I know I should have lightened up. The dark is just more of the same from before our separation. I gave him way too much space when he got depressed and angry , he eventually became verbally abusive. The more angry he got, the less he saw me. Now he cannot see me at all. Sigh.
I noticed our marriage vows when I started burning his CDs into my computer today. I had never seen them before. He kept them tucked away in his CD magazine. There were like 6 pages, he must have rewritten them over and over. They are really touching. He wrote, "I am so proud that you will be standing next to me today as my wife. I will love your for the rest of my life." He also had some pics from our honeymoon. Damn, how could he ever deny how in love we were? ( Well, I guess it easy to rewrite histroy when your wife stops sleeping with you.) Whoa. Those vows take me back to my wedding day ten years ago. His whore could have been a flower girl she was so young. Gross.
Do you think I could get that feeling again? Maybe with someone new? Is it too much to ask for to have another soul mate? Are we separated folks just destined to be alone and just to settle?
Last edited by mkultra; 10/26/0712:44 AM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Oh, MK. I feel for you, I do. I know what you mean about wondering if we can find another "soul mate". I'm sure I can find someone and feel "in love", but I want something lasting. I don't want to be here again after another 5 year R.
I think the trick, no matter what, is to work on our own personal healing. When we become truly whole, we will not depend on an R for our happiness. When that happens, we can open ourselves up for a truly healthy R. When that happens, we will truly detach from our H's without disdain.
If you figure out how to accomplish this, please fill me in. I got the idea, but not the technique. Go figure.
An ex-employer used to say "Life is the most efficient, yet unconventional, teacher. It tests you first, then teaches you the lesson."
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
I feel bad but I am already writing a list for my future man. What a horrible pattern I have. In my past I used to get whatever man I wanted. I am not beautiful or even sexy, I just aimed for people in my league. I am kind of writing a new list that is probably way out of my league. I just want someone impossible now. I want the opposite of my H. Someone who tells the truth, is confidant, someone with a steady job, someone who appreciated that I am a mother. If I cannot get that from my oldest friend and the father of my kids, than who? No ways.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
mk, it must be hard for you, having known him for so long. having been in love with him for so long. I know you have had other relationships, but still, he was your young love, and that has to have a very special hold for you.
I don't believe there is only one person out there for us. I don't. I don't believe we are destined to being alone and unhappy, because of choices our h's have made. I think the soul-searching we are doing in this process will help us in the long run become an even better partner for a future relationship, when we are ready. I swear I think the whole reason I don't find other men attractive right now is because I am not ready to. someday I hope I will find someone attractive again, who knows. I'm really starting to think that it won't happen until I am really ready, though.
(((HUGS))) I know how hard this day has been for you.
what did your d's shrink say about what your d is saying? any insight?
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
nothing wrong with a wish list you deserve to have what you want in a man...you deserve someone loyal, steady, true. and when you are ready, someday, I have no doubt you will find someone who fits your ideal. our lukes are out there. we just have to work on ourselves for a while until we are ready for them. think about it, lorelai knew him for a long time, but it wasn't until she was ready for him that it happened.
(yeah, I know, fictional characters, but hey, I'm going for it).
and don't forget, lizzie couldn't stand darcy at first, and thought wickham was a wonderful man. we need to be careful of lists and molds, and be open to what we might find, someday, when/if we are ready.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
