My take is that before the EA, things were fine. She just lost a new and exciting relationship and that hole she is feeling is being blamed on us! Sure, the honeymoon's over, but it's just not fair comparing a 20 year relationship to something 'fresh'.
She believes that if she stays here, we will just fall back into the same routine. We'll decide that things are better this way and have a fake reconcilation - in other words, continue as husband and wife without addressing any issues and really working on us.
I tried telling her that I wouldn't let that happen. We've both invested too much time and emotion into this and for either of us to allow that to occur seems inconceivable.
She admitted that she is "afraid" of staying married because it would mean she'd be giving up her dreams or giving up her search for fulfillment outside the marriage.
WOW!! Sounds just like my W. Sorry I don't have any recommendations for you. I'm looking for answers myself. A month ago my W seemed eager to reconcile and work on the R. Now she says she was just confused at that point and now has no desire to make things work. It goes from positive to neutral to negative in a span of weeks or days. My advice to you and self is to focus on:
Yourself Your kids
Let your W make the move to her mother's if she needs to. Don't push for either solution. They need to see how F'd up they are making their lives.
Continue being consistent and stable in your actions. I know my W thanked me for that about four weeks ago.
