Now I've done it...again #5

[nephartiti]

MK, I don't know if I could watch that movie as H is a huge Woody Allen fan.... hmmm. Maybe we could watch it together. Yeah, right. I can't even get a pleasant convo out of him these days.

If I started to date, and I am getting tempted just for some company, I don't know how H would ever catch wind of it.

I went to a new therapist today that is covered by my insurance b/c I have to be "referred" to the Anger Management program. I have seen her once before, right before H moved out. I was a mess then--so depressed/suicidal. They prescribed anti-deps but I never took them. She thinks my "anger problem" is still depression. She insisted I start taking the meds.

I sat in her office and was looking at her bookshelf. She has DB. I asked her if she was familiar with the book. Said she was. I told her I had been trying to implement the tactics of the book. No comment from her.

After I told her some of the details of the current sitch, she said that she doesn't see much hope for my M. ouch. Said H just isn't "in to me" or he would be coming around. He is unreliable, undependable and I shouldn't want him back. He has crossed the line by hitting me. I need to get on with my life.

So, is she just not a M supporting therapist, or am I really in denial? Is she right? I don't know. Right now I am going to try the meds, I think. I hate taking any kind of meds, including cough syrup and tylenol. So it is very hard for me to even consider anti-depressants. She thinks that, most likely, I have been struggling with depression for a long time and just didn't realize it until things got this terribly bad.

I will be going to the anger management group. It can only help.

No word from H. I am dark. I am going to go as dark as possible now. I don't know what else I can do. He goes back to work tomorrow. He hasn't seen the kids since Tuesday of last week.

Waiting... and yet life continues. DD sat up by herself for the first time on Sunday She is starting to get around on her own on the floor a little. She is such a happy baby. S2 is talking in complete sentences and is quite the conversationalist. Somehow, by some grace, I am still standing and, occassionally, even feel joy bubbling to the surface.