Now I've done it...again #5

[mkultra]

Good that you see the pattern. Have you seen Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives? It is actually a remarkable study of how we communicate and deal with separation.

What busted the divorce in this movie. The W GAL and started dating other men. The cheating H heard his wife was GAL., looked great, dating some fab man. Oooo this sent the H over the top when he realized what he had done by leaving his W for some 20 somtuning dumb personal trainer into astrology.

[nephartiti]

MK, I don't know if I could watch that movie as H is a huge Woody Allen fan.... hmmm. Maybe we could watch it together. Yeah, right. I can't even get a pleasant convo out of him these days.

If I started to date, and I am getting tempted just for some company, I don't know how H would ever catch wind of it.

I went to a new therapist today that is covered by my insurance b/c I have to be "referred" to the Anger Management program. I have seen her once before, right before H moved out. I was a mess then--so depressed/suicidal. They prescribed anti-deps but I never took them. She thinks my "anger problem" is still depression. She insisted I start taking the meds.

I sat in her office and was looking at her bookshelf. She has DB. I asked her if she was familiar with the book. Said she was. I told her I had been trying to implement the tactics of the book. No comment from her.

After I told her some of the details of the current sitch, she said that she doesn't see much hope for my M. ouch. Said H just isn't "in to me" or he would be coming around. He is unreliable, undependable and I shouldn't want him back. He has crossed the line by hitting me. I need to get on with my life.

So, is she just not a M supporting therapist, or am I really in denial? Is she right? I don't know. Right now I am going to try the meds, I think. I hate taking any kind of meds, including cough syrup and tylenol. So it is very hard for me to even consider anti-depressants. She thinks that, most likely, I have been struggling with depression for a long time and just didn't realize it until things got this terribly bad.

I will be going to the anger management group. It can only help.

No word from H. I am dark. I am going to go as dark as possible now. I don't know what else I can do. He goes back to work tomorrow. He hasn't seen the kids since Tuesday of last week.

Waiting... and yet life continues. DD sat up by herself for the first time on Sunday She is starting to get around on her own on the floor a little. She is such a happy baby. S2 is talking in complete sentences and is quite the conversationalist. Somehow, by some grace, I am still standing and, occassionally, even feel joy bubbling to the surface.

[mkultra]

It is hard to know. But I thought TH's tried to help us out of painful sitches so maybe that is the MO. I canhardly see clearly lyself. I do not agree though. I think your H is being emotional. He is not numb or cold or even apathetic. He is more lost and mistrustful. It was hard hearing my mom said I did not even have a 10-20 % chance of getting my H back and she has been through two sepaarations where she was pretty sure the chance at 50% was still a battle. I know she is not being negative. In your case, you have a big chance of being together in the long run.

[SallyM]

neph, the one thing I can tell you clear as day is my therapist would NEVER tell me she doesn't see hope for my M. ever. even now. in fact, we don't talk about my M all that much. I mean we do, we talk about what is going on in my life, but it always comes back to me, and moving myself forward.

your th seems awfully quick on the meds, too. this is an area I don't really know anything about, though.

is there anyone else you can see?

congrats to your s and d!!!!! what a big week!!!! lots of accomplishments there. very, very sweet.

[SallyM]

eta, casey, I promise i will check out your thread today...d is too clingy for me to give it what it deserves. didn't realize you had a thread somewhere (should have read your siggy).

[theotherhalf]

I know I am capable of living this way, I just don't want to.

So very true...for many of us...

[theotherhalf]

I know I am capable of living this way, I just don't want to.

neph how did this happen? Did you catch them? Did he just confess?

I see we are about in the same timeline. I don't know about you but it is really getting hard for me.

I don't know how I would ever be able to take care of such little children alone. I barely can take care of myself.

You are a very strong woman. Be proud of your self.

[LooseThread]

hi Neph.

How many times has your therapist seen you 'this' time? I too think she might be a bit quick on the meds. However, I was on antidepressants for pND after d6 was born. i think i was only on them for about 6mths(?). This year after all the crap that has gone on I had been going back to my old doc that I had when d was born. He was happy to put me on meds if I wanted them once he could see that I was in a depressed mood for more than two weeks and was having some trouble functioning. I resisted for quite some time till I was at a point where I couldn't think of anything else other than h adn my sitch and felt that I needed some help to raise me up to a level where I could start to deal with things objectively rather than emotionally. IF you feel so low that you can't pull yourself out of a funk for longer than a day, then consider taking antideps for a little while. I don't think most of them are addictive and it doesn't mean you'll have to be on them for life. for a lot of us, depression is a response to a situation rather than a chemical imbalance and it may help you to have a chemical kickstart to get you up to the next level of self help.

Hope I've made sense...I have a bad habit of rabbiting on....

[nephartiti]

Thank you so much everyone.

Well, I guess this is HMO therapy for you. The appointment felt a little rushed, actually. I felt like she had already made up her mind and wasn't really listening to me at times. I really just wanted that referral to the Anger Mgmt group. I'm hoping I can take something away from that. Casey, this was my first visit since July.

As far as the meds, I think she may be right. I think I have been struggling for some time, even before I had the baby. I have just been stubborn and adamant that I can "fix" it without meds. Don't get me wrong. I'm not miserable all the time, but I feel unstable and unpredictable. Well, that's normal for someone in my sitch, I guess. I just feel that the waves are still very fierce at times. The real indicator is that I feel out of control. The meds are supposed to be short-term-6 months.

Still waffling on this. Maybe I need that kick start, as Casey puts it.

TOH,
Thank you for stopping by.
My H still denies there is/was an A. He finally admitted that there was a "friendship" but it "fizzled" out. He admits he made bad choices and would have "done things differently". However, that has not brought him home.

My H started coming home late, stopped answering his cell. Stood the kids up for a couple of outings (that was the big indicator for me that something was wrong). Then I found the phone bill. He lied that it was a male co-worker. When I found that to be untrue. He said it was another male co-worker. Finally he admitted it was a woman "friend" but would not tell me anything else. I demanded no contact. He said ok. Then I caught him on a pay phone. He did not come home on several different nights. I sat outside his school and watched him drive away. After he had left, he sent me a text that he was in a meeting. I sat outside the school several times. One time he was there, but his van was not. Another, I saw him come out with a woman, talked at the van for a few, went into his van, waited for her to get her her car and drive away, pulled out after her. There are lots of restaurant charges for dinner for two. The day after he left he got a new cell phone to just call OW (20 times in one day). When he left, he said he was staying at his Aunt's. After 2 weeks, I found out he hadn't spent one night there. Told everyone he was staying with a male co-worker, but no one had seen, heard, or met him. I still don't know where he is staying.

H, however, has an excuse/explanation for everything. It is pointless to try and get him to admit. I am a recovering snooper, and have not checked on him, except for the bank account since he confessed that the "friendship" was a mistake. I don't know if it has really fizzled out.

It is very hard to carry on. I really didn't think my H would stay away this long. I especially didn't think he would frequently go 2 weeks without calling/seeing his kids. As time goes by, I find that this new life is becoming "routine" and "normal". When H is here, it is awkward. Then he leaves, and we all have to re-adjust. It is hard for me. It is hard for S2. When he is completely gone for over a week, it starts to get easier again. It's the back and forth that drives me crazy and hurts so much.

I don't think he's coming back. Each time he comes a little, he pulls back farther. What choice do I have but to carry on?


Today is his first day back to work. Now that he actually has real obligations outside the family, I expect to see/hear from him even less.

I'm pretty sure it is over.

[nephartiti]

The phone rang at 2:17 AM. The caller ID said "Private". I answered. They hung up. I heard the click. Don't know what to make of that.

Otherwise, things are uneventful. Going to crack into that Crucial Conversations book. Going to the fabric store to pick up the last little necessities to finish the halloween costumes.

The weather is a little gloomy here today. I think it's getting to me.

I'm starting to feel that itch to initiate some contact. I'm going to have to find another way to scratch it.

Ok, some Tori.

"and I ride along side
and I rode along side you then
and I rode along side
till you lost me there
in the open road
And I rode along side
till the honey spread itself so thin
for me to break your bread
for me to take your word
I had to steal it" (A Sorta Fairytale)