Hill, you're right about the 7K, my brother! It's the usual dilemma: part of me wants to throw out there how disaterous a divorce is, especially to kids. The landscape of their family is altered forever, especially when they are at the ages they are 17, 15, and 9. They've known nothing but our family, but lately they've known a mother who's behavior is so erratic and emotional. Don't get me wrong, when I tried to pull my "disappearing act" in March 2006, that was devastaing to my kids as well, because I had always been the voice of sanity, and I totally came unglued, to the point of trying to check out forever. So, by no means was my W. the sole basket case. I was emotionally broken beyond belief, as many of you can relate to.
Matilda:I really do call weekly, email often, send stuff to them every other week, postcards, silly stuff: a boonie hat with their names in Arabic..., one of my backpacks with my son's name on it, the usual "Dad's in Iraq" stuff.........
CF: believe it or not, this was the only conversation in months that I mentioned my W. to any of our kids, and it's because my D17's note really caught me off guard. I spoke with her the other night, and all I talekd about was my R&R and taking them to FLA., so it was just a mis-step, not a way of life, althought W. fills the void by thinking it is.
I don't know how/if I should respond to her email (although I do want to send her CF's article from CNN, but I've been there with the articles, the books, it just irritates her.)
I find it funny that she feels that I am prying information from D15, which I never have. Not once ( Or S9, for that matter), but i DID use D17 for solace at the pinnacle of mydepression..totally wrong, and probably contriuted to her behavior. I'M the parernt, and I reversed roles in December 2005 until March 2006. I find it ironic that W. doesn't want me to ask them anything, and follows on by saying D15 won't tell her what we talk about..WHAT????
I've tried the casual emails, I've gone back at her for her friendship with her boss (I'm not letting it pass...because it does anger/confuse my kids)...and she portrays all of her decisions as being for the kids"
I've got to write anyway to tell her I'm buying airline tickets for the kids to come to FLA. I will probably offer to come home if she needs to have a pinched nerve in her neck operated on, after the kids come to FLA, but she'll be "stoic" and of course, refuse ANY assistance...I got it...you can do it on your own.
Hill, you're right about the 7K, my brother! It's the usual dilemma: part of me wants to throw out there how disastrous a divorce is, especially to kids. The landscape of their family is altered forever, especially when they are at the ages they are 17, 15, and 9. They've known nothing but our family, but lately they've known a mother who's behavior is so erratic and emotional. Don't get me wrong, when I tried to pull my "disappearing act" in March 2006 that was devastating to my kids as well, because I had always been the voice of sanity, and I totally came unglued, to the point of trying to check out forever. So, by no means was my W. the sole basket case. I was emotionally broken beyond belief, as many of you can relate to.
Matilda:I really do call weekly, email often, send stuff to them every other week, postcards, silly stuff: a boonie hat with their names in Arabic..., one of my backpacks with my son's name on it, the usual "Dad's in Iraq" stuff.........
CF: believe it or not, this was the only conversation in months that I mentioned my W. to any of our kids, and it's because my D17's note really caught me off guard. I spoke with her the other night, and all I talked about was my R&R and taking them to FLA., so it was just a mis-step, not a way of life, although W. fills the void by thinking it is.
I don't know how/if I should respond to her email (although I do want to send her CF's article from CNN, but I've been there with the articles, the books, it just irritates her.)
I find it funny that she feels that I am prying information from D15, which I never have. Not once (Or S9, for that matter), but I DID use D17 for solace at the pinnacle of mydepression..Totally wrong, and probably contributed to her behavior. I'M the parent, and I reversed roles in December 2005 until March 2006. I find it ironic that W. doesn't want me to ask them anything, and follows on by saying D15 won't tell her what we talk about. WHAT????
I've tried the casual emails, I've gone back at her for her friendship with her boss (I'm not letting it pass...because it does anger/confuse my kids)...and she portrays all of her decisions as being for the kids"
I've got to write anyway to tell her I'm buying airline tickets for the kids to come to FLA. I will probably offer to come home if she needs to have a pinched nerve in her neck operated on, after the kids come to FLA, but she'll be "stoic" and of course, refuse ANY assistance...I got it...you can do it on your own.
Hey FLTC, I would listen to Caftan. Let go of the control. Remember your 180s. Being a controlling person is too intimidating for a W. It can be a turn off and misconstrued quite quickly if there is a divorce settled in court. Also, two of the bad things about snooping are 1. we never like the info anyways, it never contributes to DBing, and 2. it breaks down trust on both ends.
In re: to her Boss, that is way out of your control and you cannot guilt someone back into a R if your are trying for a reconciliation. A lot of this stuff seems unforgivable but it really isn't if we see it from their POV. They are lost and confused just like us. What would we be willing to do to save our marriage and what would they be willing to do to be free of marriage. If someone wants out you cannot convince them otherwise because it makes them defend their battle more intensely. If you are truly DBing then you are focusing on yourself and remaining as positive as possible as though you were the pillar of strength, the foundation, the lighthouse for the waves to crash upon you. If they are weak, then you stay strong. I am sorry your kids are so far away.
You mentioned tha the kids know nothing except havinh their family. I think about this also. I think how my Son is only two and how could he even remember a time when his father and I were ever in love or even sat at a dinner table together. He yelled out for my H to kiss me goodbye a while back like it was intrinsic for a father to love a mother. Nothing can convince him otherwise. How do they know? It is like a basic law of life to have an intact family however, we must do what we can to start new family traditions if we are separated and divorced. We cannot live in some LaLa Land of shoulds.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I don't know how/if I should respond to her email (although I do want to send her CF's article from CNN, but I've been there with the articles, the books, it just irritates her.)
If you know the articles will irritate her, don't send them. Just tell her about the airplane tickets for the kids and that is all. Give us the articles here.
Detaching is the hardest thing! Detaching from the misery that your wife imposes on you will be healthy. I am proud of all you are doing to maintain contact with your kids. (I didn't mean you were calling sporadically because you didn't care.....I just thought it would be difficult because you're in Iraq!).
Thanks, ladies. I do know all of these things. MK, I read Homer McDonald's book too. It's just like DB, except that he advocates dating others, and just biding your time. The "whole superior man" thing rings true as well. I recorded one of those "Happy Holidays" from the troops greetings today that gets sent out to your home radio stations. I included her, as well as my kids. Why not?
Ok...New dilemma that has me semi-steamed, semi not steamed. Talked to S9 this morning before he went to school. I had heard this before, but he told me W. was re-doing the basment so he and his friends can hang out while D15 studies upstairs. In the end, the house will still be in my name when I get home, even though I gave her power of attorney. I know, trust is sometimes confused with stupidity.......so son't chastise me.
As you recall last month, she told me things were tight and me saving money was not quite possible. Hmmmm. I don't seem to care.....
FLTC What good will blowing it all up do? I threatened to take the person hitting on my X into the middle of a street and beat him publicly. Given half a chance I'd still do it but back then it would have made no difference and now I'd get fed by my buddies who work at the jail and PD. In my case revenge is a dish best served cold and the bible has something to say about revenge.
What good will do you and your kids if all your money is turned over to the W?
By focusing on W back in the states how does that impact your job? Would detaching and saving for a rainy day take care of the now?
The DB book talks about the runaway mind. It does you no good. Sorry I've been in your boots and yes they do stink.
You're right about that. (You're up pretty early, by the way!) I didn't think guys our age could still do that. You're probably not drinking. That's how I'm able to get by over here!
Yeah. I just went out to the weight room for an hour, now we're coming up on briefing time.
She has total power of attorney. As you know, when you're emotional because of a marriage gone south and you're going to Iraq, all you can think about is "What if by some chance, I don't come home?" What would make it easier for a W. and a M. I would like to try to salvage and 3 kids who would lose me, so you go with the general power of attorney, and hope for the best.
The runaway mind...ah yes. Thanks for bringing me back to that. I'll still have a good civilian job, but I'd hate it if she sold the house from out under me. It is what it is..........
FLTC Up early is an old habit. I had the same motivations on power of attorney and regret it. Can you check on your accounts on the internet?
If she sold the house it would impact the kids and you need to provide an alternate location so no garage.
As far as drinking when I got back I drank less. The absense of problems and clear thinking caused by sobority for our Company in general made an impact. I knew my capacity for rational clear thinking was reduced when I returned so why complicate matters?
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
