I've only been sort-of trying, since I haven't been entirely sure I still wanted to be with xh. After all, this whole leaving thing has happened three times now...it just happened to get all the way to D this time.
Clearly, I still have mixed feelings. (Hence the posting in this forum.)
So, xh and I are chatting as I head to the gym at lunch. Nothing unusual; we just chat several times a day. What is interesting, was I noticed a couple of different things during this conversation...
We were talking about the what and why of how our R fell apart. We talk about this a lot...it's not typically a bad conversation. Anyway, I mentioned that 'at least we're still friends'. xh's response was a very odd 'Yeah....'. Then I made the mistake of saying 'Well, I still feel close to you'. Weird, awkward silence from xh. (I did confirm, later, that I had made him uncomfortable.)
This is the second time I've made him uncomfortable. No, I'm not stupid enough to say ILY. (90% of the time.) But, I did tell him over the weekend that I was sorry we weren't going to be able to hang out--what with me driving across country and all.
Yeah, yeah, I know, standard DB. What's odd about this...is that during sep #2 (the one I busted), he really responded to affection. He just ate it up. I used to send him cutesy little ILY notes or call him 'just to say goodnight'. He loved it. So I find it interesting that he's more standard walk-away this time, and even when he shoes interest, I can't return it. Huh...
The other thing I noticed, was when he was talking about the bartending. He said several times that that was what ultimately caused our R problems...the habits he picked up and the crowd he ran with. xh said he felt we had a solid R up until that point, and that his issues had been workable.
During the conversation, I agreed, and we joked up some of the stupid things we both did back then.
It didn't occur to me until a little while later...that this was the first time (that I can recall) where he wasn't blaming all of his actions on his being 'messed up in the head'. That he actually seemed to be taking responsibility for it.
So, yesterday evening, I was kicking around in my head why I felt...well, why I felt nothing about xh lately. I'm not delusional enough to think that the "nothing" meant "no feelings". It just had me confused. I finally decided that, for whatever reason, my emotional guard was back up again. The "lack of feeling" was just that wall up to keep me from feeling hurt. Whatever.
My approach has been that I'm going to take care of me and my faults. "Me" got lost in the hell-hole of my last job, pregnancy, and him walking out again. I read somewhere--here, maybe?--that when you become the person you should be, you attract the right people around you. By setting appropriate boundaries, and not feeling guilty about it, the unhealthy or harmful relationships fade on their own. So...I figured...straighten my own head and own sense of appropriate boundaries out, and the situation with xh would resolve itself.
Anyway. That being my whole zen-ish attitude lately, I'm just having fun hanging out with xh last night.
The baby and I are running some errands with him. I'm feeling a bit tired, but nothing major. xh and I are chit-chatting...
I'm not even sure how the topic came up. It seemed almost random. xh just says, out of the blue, "Do you want to know why I haven't come back yet?"
(I'll just insert here, I've always assumed he would change his mind, sooner or later. Just wasn't sure where I would be at that point.)
I looked at him funny. "Sure."
xh said "I'm not ready to give them up yet."
Me: "You mean JD?"
xh: "And MN. MY, too." (MN he's had a crush on. MY is another casual FF he runs around in a crowd with. Never thought much of it...seemed like a fairly straight-forward friendship.)
xh: "I knew you'd ask me to give them up. And you'd have that right. I can't do that yet."
Me: "Well, JD, yes. But she's a threat." (I've snooped, and caught ILY type messages between the two. He's also stated he's more attached than he should be to her. I suspected on other time he was considering 'coming home', and he made vague statements about "not being able to let go" of her then, too. Said it wasn't right, since she was having a major healthy scare.) "MN and MY, I don't see why not. I think your friendship with them would have to change...like we've talked about before...but that doesn't mean they'd have to end."
xh: "No, I'd have to give them up. I'm not ready for it."
The funny thing about the conversation...neither of us was stressed. It was one of those gut-wrenching ones. I didn't feel pressure...neither did he...and I'm sitting her waiting around on him to call me saying ILY this morning.
I think it's pretty obvious by now we're not very good at staying permanently separated.
And I still maintain my attitude. I'm taking care of me right now. My finances, my self-image, getting back to hobbies and friends that I neglected. We'll see. It almost caught me off guard that he even said it.
hey azhira... your post about you and your xh, made me come look at your linked thread. umm.. hm.
now I remember you
[comment continued from someone else's thread...]
Quote:
Ugh, forgot to say, other than "Oooh, you'd look hot in this," I absolutely hated when he'd comment on something I owned. (Without my asking first, anyway.) I never heard him complain about what other women wore. Hated it hated it hated it. It's nice that I can just ignore him and wear whatever I feel like now... ;\)
Umm... maybe you should have paid more attention to his comments about your clothes? :p of course he didnt complain about what other women wore. he didnt care about them. he cared about you.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Well, if he didn't like what I wore, why wait until years into the marriage to complain?
Incidentally...I actually did try stuff for him... Started wearing the VS, bought nice lingerie, even tried dying my hair. It's not like I minded.
BTW, xh had a history of 'comparing' me when he felt depressed. He has admitted this. Once in one of his moods, I could do nothing right. I remember being in the shower one time, when he was in hyper-[censored]-mode, and pouring conditioner out in my hand. He reached over for something, and my first thought was Great, he's going to tell me how to condition my own hair now! (Yes, at that point, I seriously considered moving out. He calmed down, and I did not.)
You probably got some of my own frustration at the constant criticisms.
Having said all that...I have no idea what his favorite outfit that I own is...makes me think I should ask...
"comparing spouse to others", is always a problematic thing to do, it would seem. "That way, only unhappiness lies", says Yoda.
[ok, this is semi-related to your thing, but writing it here, since we've messed with agent99's thread enough ]
Sad thing is, oldtimer's comments were eerily like some of my wife's comments. The comment about "finally doing it 'for herself', now that she is no longer fighting the 'good enough for me' image", could have been spoken by her, in one of her angry-at-our-marriage blowups.
thing is, though... it doesnt make it an accurate statement, and nor does it make it for good spousal behaviour, hmm?
She [and possibly you, while married?] had a major chip on her shoulder, about "never being good enough for me". Trouble is... she hyper-reacted, to the point where she used that to justify not putting in full effort on things that I asked her for.
Lets say that, hypothetically speaking, I asked her if she would make me a bowl of soup, because I was really hungry, but couldnt stop working on [whatever it was] to fix food for myself. In some circumstances, she might complain, and complain.. but if I kept asking her, she might bring me... half a cup of soup.
Then when I said, "umm.. i'm really hungry... i need more than half a cup of soup", i get hit with NOTHING I EVER DO IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUUU!!!
On the one hand, I can understand that a lot of criticism from me, could wear her down. But on the other hand.. come on... how about just giving me a full bowl of soup, if you're going to make the effort to make soup in the first place?
It's like she deliberately gave me less than I asked for, to provoke me into complaining, so that she could then justify having a fit at me. Yet she was the one who was deliberately choosing to not meet my needs, and knowingly under-provide for me?
Did you ever get that way?
In reality, the situations were usually a bit more complicated. But it always seemed like she could have made the choice to give all of what I asked for... yet deliberately held back, so that she could rant about "nothing is ever good enough", when I asked her for the full amount of my original request.
Erm... if someone chooses to not do things fully... if someone deliberately offers half of what is requested...then yeah, it ISNT good enough, is it? So it's a "complaint", that she herself instigated. Presumably, in hopes that I never ask her again for anything. Except that I needed those things from her specifically, as my wife.
Really tough to deal with.
Last edited by Dom R; 10/27/0712:38 AM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
E, yes, I thought of that, too. Of course, I'm in no hurry to rush back into one with xh, so maybe that's why I don't care. My fear has been that my desire to have some (non-romantic) male companionship was really sort of vindictive in nature...which is something I've been working at not reacting to.
Oh, Dom...I just asked xh. lol His response: "I don't know. I like it when you wear jeans." After some prodding, "I don't know your clothes that well anymore." Of course, he's in a really odd mood today, anyway. So, that would be why I don't know... But I thought his noncommittal answer was pretty funny!
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