Heim is fairly correct -- W didn't start dating BF until 4 months after our separation and 2 months after I filed for D. Everybody has a different opinion about affairs, cheating, etc, and my opinion on this is that she didn't cheat on me. She was free to move on at that point (in my mind as well as hers).
That being said -- yes, I absolutely know I could trust her if we were to reconcile. Why or how do I know? Because affairs, cheating, etc -- though I don't consider that the case with my sitch -- are symptoms of poor/dysfunctional M's. If we were to reconcile, and she was able to make changes in herself the way I have done in myself, then I have no question the M would be healthier and better than ever, and that we would have the tools to stand the test of time. Call me an idealist, but I believe that a reality exists in such idealism.
BF is insecure because he is at an extreme disadvantage physically, monetarily, and apparently emotionally, to many a good man out there (though it is not likely to find them clubbing). He hasn't learned from his past 2 failed M's. I was insecure, too, but knowing what I know now, I will never again be that way in a future relationship. I will communicate well in my next R(s), and make sure that my SO's love bank is full as much as possible. I will make time for them, give them their freedom and space, make time for me, and show them that I love them unconditionally. My next R, whether with my W or not, will not fail.
I haven't wrote to you in a long time. Just been glacning over some of your posts. I see where you are getting pretty ticked at people telling you not to be angry. I know, I feel the same way when I'm mad.....I'm really mad and don't want people telling me not to feel that way.
I think what most everyone here means is that you can't be your very best with this kind of anger built up inside of you. It will turn to deep bitterness and that is worse than cancer. I have seen old people who never got over things that happened in their lives and it was awful what it had done to them. You don't want to be that way......nobody is worth doing that to you. Don't allow her that.....please.
Just for the record, the WAW only appears to you to be the good guy here. Believe me, she isn't. Remember, I came very close to being a WAW also and I was anything but the good guy. I did see my H very angry. I saw him at his very worst. I did not like that guy at all. In fact, if he had remained that angry, bitter man......no way would I have decided to stay with him. But, he changed and I stayed. Now, things are beginning to look a lot better these days and I thank God that I never left my H for the OM. It has been 3 months.....a very long 3 months, but we have made it.
My heart goes out to you Markyb, but please don't give up on everything......most of all yourself. You deserve a good life and just b/c one person screwed you over.....don't think everyone out there is like that. If you lose her for good....there will be somebody better that is waiting for you, but sweetie, she won't want you if you harbour this hatred in your heart. I think that is what everyone is concerned about. Yes, you most certainly have a right to be angry.....good and angry, but she has not gotten off so easily, you just have not seen the end results yet. She may want it to look like she has everyone in her corner and that life is just rosey for her.....but who knows what goes on in her heart at night when she can't sleep and the nightmares she may have. Like I said, the end results just are visable yet.
Be angry! But channel that anger in a healty way. Take up running or box the hell out of a punching bag......anything that will work it out of you. I know how hard it is to take people's advice on here at times. I didn't want to hear some of it myself (lol), but I think they are telling you from experience. When we are hurting so badly, it is hard to think clearly and see straight. We need others to help us out.
So, keep coming here.....and it's ok to punch us out verbally if it will help your feelings. We care about you. Hey, she isn't the only one with friends! Right? Right!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So am I just to agree to mediation and ending my M w/o a fight? We never went to one second of counseling and yet SHE thinks that our problems are all MY fault.
So what say all of you?? Should I give in or delay the process??
Remember...she gets to call the shots since she is the WAS(that's how this works)!!
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
You are getting a lot of good advice here. Go back to your last thread and read that and this one again.
Anger is a good thing if you listen to it. It is a signal in response to a hurt. What is the anger telling you? Listen to it.
She is not hurting you - you are hurting you.
Learn what you must do to improve you.
She wants to speed things along? You cannot control that. If you fight, the ropes get tigher and tighter until you strangle yourself.
So, instead of aggression or frustration, be assertive. Show her the man you are. A man does not "give in" or "delay" - a man respects her wishes, supports her when he can, and works to get the fair deal for him, his kids, and her. A man takes care of family - even if she is pissing all over it.
A man makes the best of the hand he is dealt.
Yes Mark, it sucks. And it will take time to get past it. What she is doing is wrong - but she sees it differently right now.
Show her anger and aggression (little boy behaviors), or show her giving up and rolling over by letting her "call the shots" (wimp behavior), and it just confirms her low opinions of you and the R.
Instead, show her a man in control of his emotions and in skillful control of the situation, with the best interests of the family at heart (mature man behaviors) - that is your best and only chance for her to reconsider her direction.
She can live her own life but running away is not the answer to the problem AND blaming me makes it so easy.
Preaching to the choir. You don't have to tell me your arguments...and it wouldn't matter if you told her these same arguments. Yes, running away is not the answer...in your opinion (and in mine). BUT, she felt it was the right thing to do, for whatever reason. Of course you are blamed...that's the way it usually goes down.
Who said it wasn't okay to want a reconciliation? I said that being angry wasn't going to bring it about. So if that's what you want, why don't you table it and consider that she doesn't see things the same way as you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Yo Marky Mark - I'm right there w u man. At first I told my w that if she wanted to file then go ahead and do it. My mantra was "you do what you have to do and I'll do what I have to do". I was very nice about it. She said I dont want to run up these lawyer bills so lets go to mediation. I told her D mediation is for 2 people that both want a D I dont want this D and I dont feel that we have done everything else to try to work on our M. But, we all know at that point the WAS has their mind made up. Its up to us to accept where they're at and not where were at. So I gave in and said fine lets do Med. no amt of time or space was going to change her mind at this point and why give the lawyers all our money. So we went to mediation 3 months ago. Which is really me going to my w's attorney. I have given her A all the paper work she needed. I was always the one to take initiative on stuff like this. So I didnt really act at first but her A called and asked what we were doing. I told her to talk to the W and she said that I was handling it. Can u believe that? She's wants this D and I'm the one that filling out the papers. So finally I just said screw it and wrote down what I wanted. She mostly agreed to everything. At first, in the parenting agreement she had down herself as primary caregiver w D living w her as primary residence and w Dad when in visitation. Once again, screw that, I had the wording changed to both have joint custody and both have joint custodialship with D living at primary res. only for school district sake. No more visitation crap. Anyway, my point is like you've heard a thousand times before we have no control over our Sitch's. We never did. We thought we did and that why it sucks when it feels like we dont but we never did. They are going to do what they want to do. And for me it's I'm cant be happy while I'm married to this guy. Ok fine so get D'd hopefully you'll be happy then. Right now we are the "bad guys" nothing we say or do is going to change that. Over time they may realize that that wasnt the case but sometimes they need to go through the D in order to start over. That's what I'm hoping for anyway when it comes to that. Sorry to go off on a tangent about my crap but I thought it might help. Here are some other previous post that have given me hope for life after the Big D. But like a lot of members on here as well. I'm not sure if my feelings for her will be strong enough to want to start over. We are going to have to dig really deep to try to give our WAS another chance after all the pain they have put us through. Hopefully, when the exorcism is over and the demon is gone I will be able to see the women I married and not this empty corpse.
Anyway, hope this helps. Good Luck. Broken
From Success She filed for the divorce and 6 months later it was finalized. Seven months later, out of the blue, she sends me a card about a couple grabbing each other and writes in her own hand writing - maybe we should try this. This was near Valentines Day and completely took me by surprise. I thought and everyone we know thought it was over for ever. I know I was really never over her and it would have taken me many years to regroup. Up to that point, I had had enouph of her wanting to be a single parent and her job. I tryed to accept all of this, her job, her new apartment, her ER but could not. She was mad because she though she gave me an easy divorce and that I should accept this and do things with her and the kids even after we were divorced. She definitely wanted it both ways. She would say she never wanted the divorce but she was the one that did it. She says she wanted a seperation only and that I pushed her to complete the divorce. I admit I did push her because I felt there was no chance of a reconcilation, didn't like her new views on life, and she was real good about the kids and money. So after a 4-5 months into the divorce I started to treat the divorce like a real divorce. I told her she couldn't just show up when she wanted and that we were going to stick to the visitation schedule. All during this she always threatened me with a PA. I felt the ER had already turned but she always denied even after the divorce. As this went on I guess she starting becoming very unhappy with her life. She had it all, new apartment, good job,kids to enjoy, and a EA that would not leave her alone. Here is were a little luck helps. Her friend asked her if it was alright for a friend of hers to ask me out on a date. My wife (ex) says that it didn't matter but I think it did. I also think working out instead of drinking helped, keeping in touch with my MIl and her sister helped alot. The day we dicided to try I asked her if she had a PA and she said no way never happenned. When we got back she stopped seeing the ER, left her job and is happy we are together to this day. We did the retro deal a year ago. That helped alot. After that which was 6-7 months after we were back, she had to own up to admitting the EA turned to PA after we were divorced but before we got back together. I told her it was probably her best move because I do not think I would have taker her back had I know before. Still a big surprise to me but down deep we were divorced, I was kind of looking around myself, and she came back and chose me. The jerk had a real hard time with all of this because he thought he had his life planned with her. I tryed to answer all your questions the best I could. I hope it works out for all of you.
also
Another Success Story We were separated only 4 months or so before she filed for divorce. Is was very amicable. We sat down and discussed the terms, the divorce was written up by her lawyer, and I signed them. That was it...marriage over.
We actually never stopped seeing each other. From the time she moved out we saw each other quite frequently. We'd go to dinner, movies, go for walks, play tennis, she'd come over to help with housework or to hang out, she'd swing by some nights just to talk, and that continued through and after the divorce. We actually were seeing much less of each other in maybe 3-4 months after the divorce. I had started dating and stopped perseverating on whether we'd ever be a couple again. I'd resigned myself to the fact that we wouldn't. Then, about 6 months after the divorce was final she called me up crying and wondered if I'd think about trying again. After about a month of her "thinking" or whatever, she stayed the night and has stayed every night since. That was in Jan of 2006. We got married again this June.
GoneDancin, it really is up to her what happens next. My wife frequently initiated opportunities to get together, but so did I, because they were usually accepted. If I asked if she wanted to do something she usually did. That's not to say that it was that great of a plan. I think she was relieved when I started to get more distance and started seeing other people. I don't think I gave her enough breathing room, but we did get along really well. I think a healthy dose of interaction and a healthy dose of distance would be best. But how much, if any, contact you have will be up to her. Hopefully you'll be someone she enjoys being around and will initiate opportunities to get together. If not, you can try to create some opportunities.
