More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Looks like this is going to be one of those all day conversations. She started out this evening's discussion by saying "I'd like to stay here but I don't know if we could do that without anger and recriminations and just move forward."

I said there is no anger and there haven't been any recriminations. I said it sounds like this close (with fingers about 2" apart) to marriage...

She continued with "you are in a different place than I am. I have things that I want to do with my life and can't do them here." Then she admitted that neither the marriage nor I have ever stopped her from doing what she wants.

She said that there are things she can do with or without the marriage (school, get a job, etc.) but that there are things that she can't do while married to me. Surprisingly she could not come up with any examples.

This is where I see proof of the confusion. She feels something is missing, and it very well may be. She stated that she did NOT feel this way before the EA but she feels it now.

Then a change of heart. Maybe because of my responses, which in all honesty were not arguments at all, merely asking for clarification on a few things (such as what exactly is missing). She feels it would be best to move to her mother's afterall, at least for a short while to try to find out what she feels is missing. My take is that before the EA, things were fine. She just lost a new and exciting relationship and that hole she is feeling is being blamed on us! Sure, the honeymoon's over, but it's just not fair comparing a 20 year relationship to something 'fresh'.

She believes that if she stays here, we will just fall back into the same routine. We'll decide that things are better this way and have a fake reconcilation - in other words, continue as husband and wife without addressing any issues and really working on us.

I tried telling her that I wouldn't let that happen. We've both invested too much time and emotion into this and for either of us to allow that to occur seems inconceivable.

She admitted that she is "afraid" of staying married because it would mean she'd be giving up her dreams or giving up her search for fulfillment outside the marriage.

Pretty much speechless at that point. Luckily it got late and we had to start running kids around to various appointments. I have no idea what more to say regarding this. It's her choice in the end but how much assurance should I give her? I can see that my attempts at reassurance are having the reverse effect or that she feels I'm trying to convince or entice her.

Time to back off and just let her speak. I'll support her but I won't try to reason with her any longer.