impossible situation #2

[sandi2]

Well, sweetie, I hope if you have children, you won't consider that pattern by which to raise them. If you do, you are in for a very bad time of it. I have worked with children for many years and I can tell you that that is not the way to go. They aren't trying to be "heard" ....they are trying to have their way about everything. And the second verse to that song goes like this....the more of their way they get--the more they will demand. Now, you can take this advice from what you probably consider an old woman that doesn't know much, or you can follow that other advice and raise a tyrant. But, I sure hope you won't listen to the foolish writings of some theories. ((hug)).

[Dom R]

I don't know. She might also be stubborn enough to lose him in order to keep her pride intact. That sounds like playing with fire to me.

She is that stubborn.

She had two best friends, from high school.
One moved away.
She ended up not going to the wedding for the other one.
She had semi-reason to it; it was the same day as her brothers 21st birthday.. but still... most people would agree that she should have gone to the wedding.

Her friend was very mad about it. But rather than going to her friend, and saying, "I'm sorry.. i was wrong"... she chose to ABANDON HER FRIEND.

ugh.

[Dom R]

Ok, I see her as a woman who throws a fit to get her way. Maybe she doesn't exactly throw a "fit" but instead, she is saying by her actions....."You had better do everything just the way I want...or else I will make your life miserable by showing you just how mad I can be at you!" Apparently, she is the type of female who can hold onto a grude a long time.....that is worse than blowing up and getting over it. That is a form of blackmail. Plus, she knows you DomR! She knows that you believe in practicing good manners and that yes...you are going to be "polite" to her. So, do a 180 and walk away when she is not using polite manners and showing her rudeness.

Hmm... well.. maybe not "walk away"... but perhaps I should do something else.

.... Some females (and I'm not saying that your W is one of these, but if the shoe fits.....)find ways of punishing their H over and over again. For some, it is a means of controll.
...

If she thought you were always trying to be the "controller" in the R.....perhaps that was her way of taking back the control. Hummmmmmmmmm...........

Yeup. From my perspective, it's more like, she accuses me of being "the controller", because she doesnt want to lose being the one in control in the first place.

She is usually the one who gets what she wants... at the same time that she always complains that she "never gets what she wants, and I always get what I want".

To be fair, I have had some "controlling behaviour" in the past. But what she accuses me of, goes way above and beyond that.

So, she is the real talker in the family, huh? Well, blow me down! So, do you have a hard time getting a word in edge-wise?

well, she's not the super-talker that some people are like that. But when it comes to "live" talking, she's the talker.
I'm more of a writer.

but can you briefly tell me why you two never D and have settled for a S? Is she pushing for a D?

we havent "settled". She told me that she intended to file for divorce, when she moved out. She has filed for divorce, we have been to court over custody.
She has most recently filed for "child support" money. I agreed to give her some money on a monthly basis, to cover what I calculate she could actually need in support (as opposed to what she might WANT to get from me). But it's an out-of-court agreement.
The court date is currently in "continuance", while she decides what she wants to do about it.

I see her as potentially filing for finalization, if she decides to go through with that and push for everything she can get.
The irony is, if she does push it to court.. she might actually end up with less than what I'm giving her now. I've told her that, but she seems to want to believe what her lawyer tells her.

Has there ever been OM?

She moved out because of OM in EA #2.

I threatened divorce over the first one. She decided to "beat me to the punch", for #2 I guess.

She kinda broke up with him, and moved on to others. but, she's doing things with him online a bit more these days again.
(online roleplaying games)

She swears up and down that her moving out was "nothing to do with him", and it was "because of me". But, after me complaining for months that she was way too close to him... [and having a misrable 6 months fighting over it] she moved out, on the day that I discovered them telling they loved each other online, and confronted her with it. you do the math.

As I said in the other thread.. She never admits being wrong.
I think that to admit she moved out because of OM, would be admitting that she did something wrong, so she wont admit it. To me, or to herself.

She blames me for everything bad that happens. Even things that are basically because we have 3 children.. it's my fault.
So, I guess it was much more comfortable to her, to blame ME, for our separation and potential divorce, even though I wanted none of this.

When our children ask her, she used to say something like, "mommy and daddy couldnt work things out", like it was somehow a joint decision. Last time I heard it come up, she said "mommy needed space". Dont know what she's telling them now, about why she isnt living at home with us. I think they've got tired of asking, and getting no sensible, truthful answer back.

When they have asked me, I tell them that mommy moved out because it was more important for her to be with OM#2, than to be with daddy, and that it is her decision whether to come back or not.

They havent asked me for quite a while now. They mostly say that they miss her being with us, and I say that I do too. and that she can come back if she wants to.

btw: no future "family day" stuff is currently planned, unfortunately.
Although we're doing halloween jointly. and actually with her cousin+child, for once.

[sandi2]

Gee DomR, she doesn't sound like a very lovely person. Why exactly do you want to stay married to her? I don't mean that in a catty way....but honestly don't know why you would want her back.

[Dom R]

Ya know... if I were a different person.. who didnt give a damn about what is good for my children, and didnt give a damn about the sanctity of marriage... yeah. I'd be out of here. A long time ago.
I've looked around, and I know that there are a LOT of women, who DO care about honesty, marriage, and would be a whole lot easier to have a positive, enjoyable relationship with.

But.. I do care about those things.
Any one of those things, would in theory be enough to make me keep trying.

I know that my children, need a positive model for what commitment to marriage is like, from their parents. Or they will never have a good marriage themselves.
[and not to mention that they also need BOTH their parents, with them every day! Right now, never mind the future!]

I know that God wants married people, to do everything they can to both stay married, AND try to make their spouse happy and taken care of. Even, sadly, when betrayed by them.

But, lastly... she can be a good person to be with, when she chooses to be. If you are someone that she "favours", then she can be very nice to you indeed. She can be a very loyal person. Trouble is, I'm not on her loyalty list.

She hasn't been committed to our marriage for 6 years. but even then, there have been some positive bright spots for us together.
Heck, even through the separation, there have been a few times, when we've had some really nice days together. I think even she enjoyed it, even if she wont admit it much. [hmm.. she actually DID say, once or twice, that she "had a nice time". ]

I believe that if she chose to be committed to our marriage again, and work on OUR relationship first, before her job, or her family (ie: "do what married people are supposed to do"), then I could enjoy every day with her.
She's not a very "happy" person inside. So I cant say that she would enjoy every day with me . But I think that she would at least be satisfied with the way I treated her


If she treated me in the same way that she has been for the last 4 years (having EAs, putting me last in everything...) then I probably couldnt take it. But if she treated me better, then I would be more capable of treating her better. Basically, to continue to treat her in the way I treat her now. Which, I think she would agree, is far better than I used to.

I told her once, "what if the only thing standing in the way of us having a good marriage, was for you to give up playing stuff online?" She expressed her doubt. Pulled the control card: "you'd just find some other way to control me". [Hmm.. a husband wanting his wife to stop cheating on him by dating other people online, is "controlling"... oops... "my bad"?]

but basically, I think that's the main thing in the way.
With all the time she spends online, then and now... if she chose to substitute positive time spent together instead.... I think we would have a great relationship, that would make both of us happy.

[catfan]

Dom is she doing anything to help herself, counseling, reading, support group, anything at all?

[Dom R]

nope.

she "doesnt believe in psychology". or counsellors. or basically anyone else telling her what to do.

The only books she's read that I'm aware of, are books on "co-parenting", and similar pro-divorce stuff. ugh.

I was going to rant more about no-one around her being any kind of positive marriage friendly, spouse positive role model for her. but I think i've done enough ranting for a while. sigh.

[catfan]

Dom, I'm trying to catch up on your situation and it'll take me some time. Thanks for chiming in on mine.

So an immediate thing that comes to mind for you is to back off further. It sounds like she needs a lot more space and stress relief. You pushing on talks only exponentially increases the stress levels. And honestly it sounds like you have been very manipulative in trying to get what you want with regards to the conversations. Try keeping conversations "business" only and see how that's starts to work. Remember to monitor each new strategy carefully and don't abandon them to quickly not unless they clearly are backfiring.

[SallyM]

dom, I hear you on being frustrated. I wish more than anything that H would just give our marriage a real chance...even if he walked away when all is said and done, I don't see how a parent can just leave like that. not w/o abuse or violence in the picture. I'll never understand spouses who cloak themselves in the idea that kids are resilient and don't even try.

[Dom R]

catfan: i'm not pushing for R talks.
This was an isolated attempt, after months of none. and it wasnt even strictly a "relationship" talk. it was more of a, "look, we have to talk about issues dealing with our kids... how about we do it in a more productive, adult way?" talk.