More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

It's been a while since I said it, but thanks to everyone for their insight and suggestions.

One thought about her leaving is that it would make detaching easier. It would also allow me to go dark which I think may be necessary, at least at some point in the near future.

I know she simply needs time to get over the OM thing and then to pick up HER pieces to see how everything fits together.

That's not to say that she will see the "error of her ways". There are no guarantees that this marriage can be saved - well, I'm sure it can be but ultimately it will take the both of us to succeed.

I don't want to talk her out of moving but I can provide a compelling case for her to stay here, albeit sleeping in a different room. That may not be enough. I also don't want to sabotage any chances we may have by having her stay only to find out one day that we can't stand one another.

As for supporting her while she finishes the degree, I would have been doing this anyway. I work, she does not. The only difference is that at this point, she has no interest in staying in the marriage. It could be considered taking advantage of me but, with the knowledge of her 2 year plan anyway, the only difference is that I now know about it.

So the questions are:

1) Do I swallow my pride and offer to let her stay and together come up with some kind of a plan to give each other the space we need? Am I allowing myself to be walked over again? Will she lose more respect for me because I'm doing this? Probably questions only I or she could answer.

2) Do I simply accept and support her decision to leave? She has tried to put the responsibility on me by saying that the longer she stays, the longer I will remain hopeful. In other words "because you can't accept that our marriage is over, I have to leave." (she had a nicer way of saying it of course).

Or do we simply put both options on the table and let her choose what works best for her, and maybe for all of us? I've already told her that I will be hopeful until it's dead inside of me. Regardless of where she's living, that hope will not diminish quickly. Do I restate that or just let it be?

She wants to be here as much as possible and asked if I would have any problem with her being here in the afternoons (after picking up the kids and before I get off work). I told her I don't have a problem with her being here now...

As much as I want to get a clear idea of what I want her to do, I know it's not my choice. I have to be ready to accept whatever she decides.

Theo - any idea where I can find the thread for Frank_D? I've tried the archives but haven't had any luck yet.