There and Back, #10

[LooseThread]

I'm going to treat saturday as an informational meeting, as opposed to one that should see any resolutions.

Yes yes yes! Detachment! That is it!

I know it'll be hard but if you _can_ look at it like it is someone else's life and you are collecting information to take away and digest it might help you through the conversation.

As much as the suspense is killing you (and us too!) it won't be possible to find a resolution in one meeting. Disappointing I know....but most likely to be true.

LIsten to him, repeat back what he says to make sure you have heard him correctly. If he asks a question, have a drink of water (take a bottle of water with you) adn think about what you are going to say whilst keeping in mind the mantra "will this help me achieve my goal(s)" (whatever they are).

Hee hee...d showed me a new dance move one of her friends taught her. It's supposed to be a black girls move, y'know the one where they shake their booty and their boobies at the same time. Looks very odd on a white 6 year old !

[LL44]

I would be totally honest with him. Like mk said, go in balls to the wall and brutal honesty. Not what he WANTS to hear, what you want to say to him. You have already owned up to your part of the mess, no need to apologize for that part again. If you do tell him you aren't dating, I would follow it with, "I have no interest in anyone, I wouldn't be working so hard on us if I did." or something along those lines. I think you H is seriously worried (like mine has said) that one of these days you are going to be like "F this, I'm doin' it"..meaning dating, sex, whatever. H has said to me that he is scared he is taking too long to decide, and that I won't be here when he gets back. He should be scared.

And yes, the kids-guilt angle never works here, I learned that WAY early on. They have to see that for themselves.

How is your morning?

[SallyM]

thanks casey! (very cute about your daughter, btw)

okay, back from therapy. really good session...helpful. feel like I'm in a good place, or as good as I'm going to be.

have started crucial conversations and can't recommend it highly enough. truly, a book written for situations like ours in many ways. definitely should help me a lot on saturday. my friend has been trying to get me to read this for a long time now, I can see why.

[SallyM]

hey lwb, thanks!

had a good morning with my therapist. feeling pretty good. In my e-mail to you I compared saturday to childbirth...in a way its like it. I'm waiting around, preparing, knowing something is coming but not sure how it will go. with childbirth you have your birth plan, a vision of how you want it to go. that's what I feel like I'm doing here. of course, just like in childbirth, you can't predict, you can only prepare and hope for the best and do all that you have learned to make it go according to your vision. but things do deviate, and surprises do happen (have I mentioned my eldest ended in an unplanned c-section, trust me, I know surprises).

to change metaphors, I told my therapist I can't stop whatever train is coming down the track, but I can sure as hell get ready for it and not be standing there waiting to be hit.

[Astimegoeson]

Good morning Morgan,

Hey, you know what, that looks like a good book for me. I was just saying in my own thread how misunderstandings can create undesirable issues.

I put my foot in my mouth a lot. It's that filter between the brain and the mouth that doesn't function properly at times.

[Ohio_Mark]

Morgan -

Just catching up with your sitch.

You know, I'll be honest, compared to last week, today you sound like a different person. I (and many others) were worried about you. Very worried. But "hearing" you, I can see that you are going to be OK. You are strong.

Choo choo...

[Dom R]

the last few months, after finding db, I really backed off, to the point that the last couple of months I haven't even been asking how he is. I've been dark grey (as black as I can go with the kids), just nothing from me about him, and bare answers from me when he asked questions about me. all conversation was about the kids, with some basic business stuff thrown in from time to time.

I wonder now if that just reinforced in him the idea that I didn't care/didn't respect him?

yes. it did.

he knows I love him...he knows i care. when he had his breakdown last month I said as much and he told me he knew.

there's a difference between mentally knowing it, and feeling it.
it sounds like sometimes, he doesnt/didnt feel it. Which contributed to an affair.

Ironically, i thought this was usually the female's justification for having an affair. "ha ha"?

sorry


The thing is... you are showing him now, by asking about him sometimes, etc.
Sounds like that's a good thing, to me.

[Dom R]

so do I tell him the truth if he asks? or keep saying its none of his business?

I vote for truth.

[nephartiti]

Unless H is talkig reconciliation, I think asking whether you are dating is irrelavent and none of his business. I would try to avoid/evade the topic and keep on whatever topic you are addressing. Your H is consistent in that he pursues you when he thinks you are dating.

If he pushes, honesty is always best, but I think it would serve you to play coy.

[SallyM]

hey all,

first, omg, was crucial conversations written for me. why why why didn't I read this months ago when my friend suggested it? I think she suggested it last winter even, prior to me even finding out about the affair. omg. soooo good. and I can see how it can be applied to so many areas of life. but since my R is where my crucial conversations mostly occur, well, that's where i am applying it.

its one of those books where I feel like I'm going to come out the other end better in many areas of my life.

atgo, really, an excellent choice. if you get it, let me know if you like it as well.

mark, thanks for the concern, I appreciate it. last week wasn't pretty, was it? I knew it wouldn't be, and this weeks fun thrown on top of it is pretty tough, but I will be okay. I know I will be. just a hard row to hoe for a bit. wish life had a ff or rw button sometimes. you made me stop and think last week, btw, when you told me I was being passive/a victim to this. my friend told me the same thing months ago and I hadn't realized how far I had slipped back into that role until you pointed it out. honestly I probably have never completely left it, but I had made some progress for a while...going to start that up again. feeling stronger.

dom and neph, opposing views. hmmm. my therapist votes for no, btw. basically no conversation about it at all. I certainly can say that I have no interest in pursuing a relationship with someone else at this time, but I don't have to admit or deny what I've been up to. will play that one by ear. hey, why does he get to see all of my cards and show me none of his?

have been outside playing with the kids and reading my book. am inside now trying to warm up...wow, is it cold out. or maybe just me trying to adjust to seasonal temps.

I really think this book is going to help me prepare for saturday, so I'm going to keep up with it until then. again, it won't help me stop a train, but will help me stop from getting slammed by it.

funny, I'm still wondering what the conversation will be. if its not straight out divorce, then its going to be about him getting set up in his own place. I can see the $$$ now...not just for the place, but for all that goes into it..furniture, dishes, pots/pans, sheets, etc, etc. wonder if I can use it as an opportunity to get myself new dishes and he can have the old ones from when we were married? hmmm...wonder if ow will like eating off of them? lol.

regardless, going to try to remember to take the time I need to process whatever his agenda is. no kneejerk reactions.