I'm the one who finally ended it and my reasons were pretty darn selfish. As far as I could see the man was a complete liability as a marital partner for the remainder of my life.
It wasn't just that he was a complete liability as a marital partner for the future... it's also that he was a liability as a partner (marital or otherwise) in the present. Would you be BUSINESS partners with your 2bx?
OTOH, I do totally get your thoughts about the moral quagmire of leaving someone because of problems of THEIRS that are related to a condition not of their choosing. What follows are philosophical musings based somewhat on my past experiences...
Sometimes people D because of personality or value incompatibilities. Both are able-bodied individuals with functioning real-world personalities, but there's a big disconnect. Like she wants babies and he adamantly does not. Or she is a church-going, candle-lighting, devout religious person, and he makes his living doing hits for the Mafia. Okay... these people go their separate ways. (Of course, some stay together and find a way to compromise.)
But what if one of the parties is dysfunctional physically, mentally, or emotionally? For the "healthy" person, it's a much more difficult decision. Should I stay with an alcoholic? How do I make that decision? A depressed person can be hell to live with... but what if it's not their fault? What if they're a returning soldier with PTSD and flashbacks? Of course you understand and don't blame them, but how long can you live with a man who insists on sleeping with a knife AND a gun under his pillow and who wakes up screaming several times every night? (No, that is NOT from my personal experience.)
The man I dated before my husband was in the ICU (in another city) when I called him and broke up with him. I just couldn't go another step with him. I felt bad that I was dumping him when he was down and out, but I figured that if he was going to have a bad reaction to being dumped, I'd rather it happen when he was in the hospital than when he was back at home alone. As it was, when he got out, he pursued me for another year, but I was firm in my decision.
My husband came with a truckload of medical problems that made our life hell from time to time. He hated what this stuff did to us as much as (probably more than because of HIS guilt) I did, but what can you do. Yes he did get treatment for depression, and it helped some. Yes he had the penile implant surgery. We were still sliding down the glass mountain with 20 hospitalizations/surgeries in 10 years. But I NEVER would have left him. Never.
I read a message board back then at http://www.wellspouse.org and there you will see stories that will curl your hair. Wives (or husbands) whose spouse had a traumatic brain injury early in the marriage that completely changed their personality. The TBI person IS a stranger, sometimes with enough memory loss that you literally have no history in common anymore. They can be an angry, out-of-control stranger who curses you every time you try to help them with anything. And yet otherwise they're perfectly physically healthy and will live for decades to come. What would your moral code say about D in a case like that? Do you just put up with it? I don't know the answer... some on that board have lived with situations like this for many, many years... not knowing what to do... raising children who never knew their parent before the TBI.
Back to Mojo (and I do appreciate the round-and-round you're going through): ask yourself this-- not that the answer will make your sitch any clearer... what if your H quit jobs, lay in bed all day, criticized your housekeeping, refused affection and sex because of a traumatic brain injury? Would you feel any more or less guilty about D? (There's NO right answer... I'm just curious how it would feel to you to cast it in a different light?)
Depression can be treated, sure, so can alcoholism... Your 2bx has already found another caretaker to put up with his b.s. If I had dumped my bf back when he was drinking, I'm SURE he'd have found someone else in a heartbeat (but what would she have done when he had his heart episode?).
To sum up: I do understand your "guilt" re wondering about leaving someone over something that is not "their fault." Even if he got treatment for depression, there is no treatment for being a horse's a$$, as far as I know. Some of his dysfunctional behavior was due to depression and fourish-ness-gone-way-bad, and some of that was treatable.
IMHO it would have been MORE selfish for you to stay with him in order to avoid feelings of guilt than it was to take the brave leap of casting off the task of fixing him and leaving him alone with himself.
