Lets try thing again!!!!

[Pudmuddle]

Hi HB,

I had to comment that I loved your advice to limbo about what a soulmate is...that was most aptly put and very wise! I am in the same sitch where my H thinks he is "in-love" with OW. Boy is he in for a surprise when they try to get deeper than just the romps in the hay. All relationships will run into snags and eventually she will start making demands on him that he won't like.

I am going to print this out, what you said and carry it with me!

"I just about tossed my cookies upon hearing this and was so enraged that I clearly said to my H that in NO uncertain circumstances that "real soul mates" just do not happen they are not "out there" waiting to hook up. I feel soul mates are made from that commitment to each other, from having children together or building a home together, surviving job losses and successes TOGETHER, from surviving health issue together and/or family losses together. You cannot be true soul mates unless you are together and a romp in the hay a few times over a period of 6 -12 mos hardly constitutes a real relationship. They are in a bubble, fantasy la la land where they do not deal with reality so how could they really even consider themselves soul mates."

I did discover to after my EA with someone, before he had the PA, on my own I realized that I was searching for something I needed from him...and that I still wanted that. So those people meant less and less to me the more I realized that. I know this is Limbo's post, but I just wanted to share this and hopefully it will help her too.

You all on this website are awesome people. {{HUGS TO ALL}}

[Heartbroken]

Thanks Joan,

That is what my heart and head feel true soul mates are. You should have seen the look in my H's eye that day (it was his moving out to an apt. day back last Feb.) he looked so sheepish and like a light came on. I am not sure if he was calling his OW this or not (DON'T want to know) I just know that his ow was going around spouting stupid sh!t like this to her soon to be exH (now exH). I just remember feeling don't you dare compare our 16+ years together to you less than a year fling - what a crock.

Limbo you are a wonderful, caring and very STRONG woman and somehow you will see the path to where you need to be. Baby steps!! We are all here for you!

HB

[limbo]

HB....I re read you post and what you say is true, soul mates are built through a bond.

The more I think about this, the more it is just so stupid...this women was a girl when they were together, it was a summer romance for god's sake, he was only there for a couple of weeks at a time, and I think this happened over a couple of summers, I don't even think they were intimate!!
So why, How can you even consider throwing a 17 yr marriage away for that? One thing is clear to me, is that she is having problems in her M too, who know she may think he is a good catch because he is from the big city and has a good job, but we are broke, and so they certainly wouldn't have the jet set life!

He does need to grow up and stop trying to throw away the good things he has because he thinks thing will be better elsewhere, all he will be doing is trading one set of problems for another.
Imagine all the fall out from both families if they did get together!
It just boggles my mind

[saffie]

We all know there is no future in it.

I was absolutely gutted and betrayed by what my H said he felt for OW and had planned with her. OW thought she was going to move into my home and replace me. She abandoned her own H and HER CHILDREN thinking she would get my H. He is the Chief Exec - kerching - she though she had hit the jackpot. Even after he decided he was going to stay with me he seemed to put her feelings first when it came to the break up. I was the lucky one because he was staying with me so she needed gentle handling - barf

My H gave me all the emails etc that went between them so I was able to see exactly what they had been planning / dreaming about. We had / have 100% transparency about these things now. He knows I come on here but he has never asked me my log on or tried to get on here.

You'd think they would put their effort into the one they have decided to stay with wouldn't you? I was obviously wrong to expect that

However, he has now said that he NEVER loved her. (It took a year for him to come out with that unprompted). He says that he realised that within a few days of deciding to stay with me - which begs the question why the fcuk did it take so long to tell me. But they don't realise that we feel so rejected - they are so high on the feeling of being wanted - the power trip of being able to make a choice. Oh, yeah, it hurts them, but my H definately got off on it too.

I know your pain limbo but I am telling you it does dull in time and you can get to feeling number one again. I have yet to put all of the resentment / hurt behind me as you can tell from this post - maybe I shall never get rid of all of it - but it does lessen with time.

(((((HUGS)))))

saffie

[Heartbroken]

Saffie - my H did the same thing about not wanting to hurt OW to let or down gently - well WTF!!! Who DID he think he was hurting - he probably figure I was 'winning' him the 'prize' and she was losing so let her down easily.

Even still my h says it was hard to make the choice he knew it'd never work with her (no one would accept their R) and coming back to me meant real work too. Boy this makes me feel like the lesser of two evils I told him!!! We are looking forward to our Retro weekend tomorrow evening it starts!!! He says he has a list two pages long - I said if issues with me???? H says well those and things I think about. So I started my own list!!!

I hope we come out of their alive....

HB

[saffie]

Hah!!!!LOL

I am sure you will. Everyone seems to come out of there seeing what a positive experience it was. One thing, I think, is that they teach you to explain things in a nonaccusatory way - that can only be good. I expect your H's list will go out the window!!!

It is something I wish I had available to me here.

Hope it goes well.

saffie

[limbo]

When I left work yesterday, as usual I sent an email to h and ended it take care, he responded back what no I love you.

So I sent him an email this morning, and said that I don't want him to say something, also I have been thinking and the reason this is happening is because he doesn't want to be with me, he keeps trying and after awhile these feelings come back up for him again and this is when things blow up again.
Not sure if its the right thing to do, but I can't keep someone with me who really doesn't want to be.

[Heartbroken]

I understand where you are coming from but also feel you need to slow down. I too don't want H to be back for me or the kids or b/c it's the right thing to do - I WANT HIM TO WANT ME!!!!

But we need to give this all time - it has only been 3 mos for you since your July bomb - hell that is not to long. You need to look at where you were a year ago and HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME. You have made amazing strides - how many H's out there WILL NOT even talk about their A, consider going to a Retro weekend or even try to dialogue on a daily basis!!!!

You seem to be wanting to push him out - this may end the immediate pain but not end it overall!!!

Step back take a look at your whole big picture and they many positives you do have...

You cannot solve all these open remaining issues in one fell swoop you will quit before even trying. Take the top issue(s) and see how to break them down to get through them, baby steps and one day at a time.

You are letting your fear, your anger and your sadness take control of you - don't do it. You need to get into the present moment and work from there, the past is done and you cannot control the future. You can only work on today! And I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

HB

[limbo]

Thank you so much HB

I think you have hit on something there, I am very torn, I do love my H and I want to be married to him, but I am also so hurt and saddened by all of this.
I worry that this really has put so much damage on us that we can never really truly recover the marriage to what it should be.
I also sometimes feel so angry that I do want it over, I just find myself so very torn! and damaged!

[saffie]

I get cross with my H and i try to push him away. I LOOK for reasons not to trust him and always second guess WHY he does things rather than accepting things he says. After being so hurt by them I think that this is completely natural to do but I think heartbroken made some very valid points.

It is hard when you feel low to look at the positives but it is true that many on here would feel lucky to have an H who appears to be so willing to work on things. It seems just you are hitting a bit of a low patch after the high you got from Retro and this email business is enough to drive a person crazy. I am sure you will be up again though. The fact that he notices the absence of an ILY is good. In his darkest hour my H would never have noticed that.

Hang in there girl - in the overall scheme of things you are doing well and making progress.

saffie